08/27/2009

miss winnie dixon this week at our big rock a stop along our morning walk

she listens to my woes
she laughs at all my jokes
she sits patiently and waits while I stop to investigate something
a shell, a worn piece of beach glass an insect or a piece of bone
when I stop to take photographs she sits quietly just looking around
she's looking for muskrats, groundhogs or cats that don't belong to her
she is a terrier girl with a bit of sight hound thrown in
she's on a leash often because of this - if she spied a small moving mammal
she'd be off, gone like a shot and there would be no calling her back
and I couldn't bare to lose her - so I keep her close by me
she's 10, she'll be 11 in January - how can that be - it seems like only yesterday
she came to live with us when she was 1, from the shelter
she loved Jake & Em instantly, they became her pack - she fit right in
it seems to me like she's always been here
I can't remember what my life might have been like without her
we've said some big goodbyes, she and I and we've lived through big sadness
she loves to keep me company in the car when I do errands
again she sits patiently waiting, keeping the car safe and keeping my seat warm
she sleeps in a bed under my desk while I work
and she lays curled at my feet on my bed while I sleep
she loves to just sit on the grassy hill overlooking the harbour
each evening we both stare up at the clouds racing across a blue sky
above the glistening water
I lie down and she lies down beside me and I hold her paw in my hand
and we just lie there, the breeze blowing over us and nothing
in the world seems to matter
I put my face in her fur and I breathe in and I try to burn these memories in
how she smells, the funny little groaning noises she makes if I scratch her just so
into me - I try to burn her into my heart so I'll always have her ... with me
and I tell her how much I love her over and over again

and I wish we could stay there, like that - forever.

* a post from August 27 2009 - oh how my own blog archives have been helping me with my grief & sadness, helping me to "be with" my beautiful shaggalicious girl... my dear, sweet Winnie Darn Dixon

my wd

My Winnie Dixon enjoying our big beautiful & very green fenced in backyard

Grief reunites you with what you've lost. It's a merging; you go with the loved thing or person that's going away. You follow it a far as you can go. Philip K. Dick

You just can't prepare yourself for the missing them part, for the missing her, my Winnie Dixon. You can't imagine how many times a day you'll think that they're still here but they're not. I guess I'm having a bit of a delayed reaction. I thought I was prepared for lots of things but I couldn't prepare for this.

she's the girl

Missy D from susan black on Vimeo. Toby is our friends & neighbours handsome Duck Tolling Retriever - Oh Dee, I sure do miss you sweet thing ! from a few years ago on the crescent beach - she trusted & loved me so completely xoxo

the truth, today

pure dog joy - from the left Duke, Winnie Dixon & Maggie Sue low tide on the Pugwash Point beach circa 2008 (I'm guessing)

Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer–it's a question.  Markus Zusak - The Book Thief

The truth, today is not the same as the truth was Saturday or Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. The truth seemed to arrive on Wednesday after lunch. The truth being I miss her ... I can't believe she's not here. After all those flurried few days of worry & fret, of decision making & details to organize & most of all spending what I knew would be my final moments and hours of quality time with my Winnie girl, chatting, reminiscing and reminding her how much I loved her. Now that all that busy-dust has settled and things are somewhat back to normal (?) the truth today is

I keep wondering, a million moments throughout today, where is she ? where did she go ?

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Khalil Gibran

shaggalicious

It may be in harm's way
but as long as I'm with you
and at the end of a long, long day 
there is not much more to say 
than love, I'm so glad I met you. 
Royal Wood 

Winnie & I thank you for all the loving comments left here since Monday's post. It especially makes me happy that you felt so much like you knew her so well & that you loved her too. I wanted you all to know that I'm doing much better than you might have expected, I've been preparing (& over preparing) for Monday for a very, very long time. It wasn't in the end a difficult decision to make, what's difficult is the huge empty space she's left behind. Goodness that Dee girl she managed to take up plenty of space in my days, in my mind and most of all in my heart ... and for almost 15 years.

She & I were meant to be together.

Our favourite Royal Wood song

dear Winnie Dixon

top photo is from last week

Dogs are minor angels, and I don't mean that facetiously. They love unconditionally, forgive immediately, are the truest of friends, willing to do anything that makes us happy, etcetera. If we attributed some of those qualities to a person we would say they are special. If they had ALL of them, we would call them angelic. But because it's "only" a dog, we dismiss them as sweet or funny but little more. However when you think about it, what are the things that we most like in another human being? Many times those qualities are seen in our dogs every single day-- we're just so used to them that we pay no attention.

Jonathan Carroll

Our days, Miss D & mine ... together

A post from May 2013 / our nearly 15 years worth of days are coming to an end - I'm quite sure of it. I bless her beautiful soul for rejoicing & bounding with grace & love into her 16th year and I relish in how lucky I am to have shared her company for such a very long time. But our days together, they are diminishing. I see it, I feel it, I resist it, yet I am grateful for it. I don't want to hold her back. I know how very lucky I have been to have this beautiful shaggalicious, odd, neurotic, fearful, crab killing, muskrat hunting, & extremely loving girl with me for 14 + years. Wow ! I watch her lurching gracefully into her 16th year. She, who's been with me for forever - it seems ... who's comforted me through so many near unbearable sadnesses. I love her, desperately. I cannot imagine life without her.

I love you Winnie Dixon with all my heart. Here's to our remaining days xoxo Susan
I love you & I promise I will not cling to you. & I will forever rejoice in all of our glorious days together. Always.

to live in this world
you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
let it go

Mary Oliver

Today, October 27th 2014 is that day - the time has come to let you go Missy D. Oh my ! my sweet girl the many adventures we've shared. You have been my constant companion for such a very long time I do find it hard to imagine my life without you, but thankfully I never will be without you because you have a permanent home in my heart and our life together will live on in words and in photos, hopefully forever, here on this blog. I adore you Winnie Dixon & I always will ! xoxo Susan

Miss Winnie (Darn) Dixon / January 1999 - October 2014

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. 

Rumi