red leaves & geese

first photo on the crescent beach is for sweet Marie Cameron / berry time / beach glass / a lobster boat leaving the harbour / from the deck of the newly renovated & restored Lobster factory/ Thinker's Lodge Dining Hall / autumn asters are everywhere / the crescent beach / golden rod / Thinker's Lodge & Dining Hall / selfie in the window's of the former Lobster Factory

Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you, As a fish out of water hears the waves ... Come back. Come back. This turning toward what you deeply love saves you. Rumi

Time keeps marching forward, faster almost than I can stand. How is it that it's October this week ? suddenly it seems I'm seeing brilliant red leaves and seeing and hearing the beautifully haunting sight & sound of huge flocks of Canada geese flying in formation high in the sky. I don't feel ready ... ready for what I ask myself. I forgot I only need to be ready for this moment, now.

It's looking like Lunenburg has won the "destination" prize. I may be moving before year's end to an apartment a rental while Doug, Betty & Sam stay behind to finish the second floor painting etc for selling. I could be living in my new home by December 1 ... yikes ! I best do a workback ;-)

new navigational

back on the crescent beach - the lobster boats hummed out of the harbour this early morning - spring is finally here

Longing, felt fully, carries us to belonging.
Tara Brach  

I've been careening through life these last few weeks, few months ... it's been difficult to turn off those feelings of overwhelmedness, the feeling that my creative life (who am I kidding - my life life because it truly is all one) has become like a runaway race car, careening crazily at top speed, all over the road, into the ditch and back out a few times. Me with my hands gripping the steering wheel (?) and hanging on for dear life. One crazy, big, fabulous, scary project rushing into the next one - no pit stops, no rest stops, no time to really think. No time to catch my breath.

But Hey ! it's all good isn't it ? shouldn't it be ? isn't this exactly what I wished for ? isn't this exactly what I've been working so hard to achieve ? isn't this what I want ? ... uh ... hmmm ... erggh ... I think so.

I'm of two minds over this situation, which is no surprise as I'm of two minds about most of life's situations 'cause I'm a died in the wool fence sitter. There's a huge part of me that says to myself daily hey girlfriend ! wow ! you've become kinda popular, dare I say successful, desired, wanted and that feeling/thought is amazing and thrilling no question. It makes me feel happy and tremendously grateful. I'm also proud of myself because I've worked hard, deliberately and intentionally to get to the place I'm at today. In fact I'm exactly where I wanted to be, maybe even a little bit ahead of where I hoped to be.

A desire is anything but frivolous. It is the interface between you and that which is greater than you. No desire is meaningless or inconsequential. If it pulls you, even a little bit, it will take everyone higher. Desire is where the Divine lives, inside the inspiration of your desire. Every desire is of profound importance with huge consequences, and deserves your attention.
Mama Gena 

But ... there's another voice, that stressed out, rushed, panicked, wants to have more control voice that keeps whispering to the mad passionate creative empire building voice pardon moi ... but is this really how you want to feel ? In my spare time (insert exaggerated wink here) and while I work I soak up everything I can about personal and spiritual growth, either reading or listening to audio books and/or youtube chats (Danielle Laporte, Gabby Bernstein, Beth Nicholls, Brené Brown, Eckhart Tolle .... and on). We're a society that propels ourselves forward with our to-dos, our goals and dreams - I know I have my hand up high waving from the front row on this one - but I've been noticing two common, new to me, themes keep cropping up in all the lessons and learning I've been paying attention to. That instead of focusing on the what, the where, the who in relation to our dreams and goals ... why not try instead to instead focus on the HOW do I want to feel ? and does this line up with my VALUES ?

The HOW and the VALUES - these 2  words are sticking with me as I move forward in my quest to steer this big ship called Susan's life into brand new creative + directions. HOW do I want to feel ? and does this line up with my VALUES ? (projects, places, relationship, etc). I'm feeling confident that I've stumbled upon two most excellent new navigational tools. & Oh my dear Rumi xoxo

What you seek is seeking you.
Rumi

mary, mary

oh my those scraggly legs & paws let me kiss them all over / tide pool / my companion, my friend / a little lichen love / Winnie surrounding by new, fresh green / we pretend we're in the forest / a palette of lichen colour / the crescent beach beautiful


What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.

So come to the pond,
or the river of your imagination,
or the harbor of your longing,
and put your lips to the world.

And live
your life.

Mary Oliver, Red Bird

there's a kind of sadness that lives in me that feels not so much as sadness, it feels like a kind of awareness - a super heightened awareness. I use the word vigilance (hyper vigilance) because it feels right, it fits. I feel always braced, ready, on high alert trying to protect the world around me and to protect my own much loved tribe (which extends beyond the walls of 29 Black Street). Having Doug in my life for the past nearly 4 years has helped tremendously with this burden/responsibility of care & protection I carry around & hold onto much too tightly, he willingly holds some of it for me, and that helps. I have a lot to hold onto. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to loosen my grip.

I think about Winnie dying every day, at least 6 times every day - it's crazy I know. But she is 14.5 years old. She is a very senior dog. The time will come sooner than later, bless her shaggalicious heart & soul. My friend Missy D, my love. I will miss her, I will ache for her. I will want to smell her, put my face in her belly after she's gone and fall asleep there breathing in and out with her. The thing is she's absolutely fine, healthy, happy, eating well. We go on two walks/strolls a day, sure she's a little slower lately, I think she's a little deaf ... but she's fine - really. I have no reason to suspect an end is near except for the fact of her very senior age. But I can't help but believe I need to get ready, 'cause that Sadness is a comin' and I better be shoring up (or trying to) the walls of my heart so I will cope better with that sorrow, with that grieve. So I won't miss her so much. So I won't feel so lost when she's gone. 

I'm so happy she lives so vividly here on this blog & that she will live on here forever, she will live in my heart forever & ever ... but oh, my how I will miss her. How I will miss my morning walking companion. Thank goodness for young Samuel who I know is waiting in the wings to become my next true love, & to try and fill her big shaggalicious paws on each early morning jaunt :-)

mary, mary ... Mary Oliver I love you, you give me strength I've forgotten that I had.

From the complications of loving you
I think there is no end or return.
No answer, no coming out of it.

Mary Oliver, Thirst

big, big

archives - early morning's way out on the point - so beautiful yet I never go there anymore

Thinking about walking those beaches, imagining walking in the place where so much of my heart lives still makes me feel weak. It's feels like if I walked there now, even with Winnie, I would somehow be erasing those piles of memories & love that live there, that could live on forever - it's weird I'll admit. Sometimes you just can't go back you must keep moving forward
making new memories in new places while cherishing all the old. I am forever grateful that those days, those walks, that life is documented so completely on this blog - my accidental net of memory & love. of life.

Sometime over the past weekend I know I told myself

You can do anything ! Anything you want to.
So dream big, aim big ... big as can be.

I still believe it's true, though I'm not in that same confident state of mind this morning. Hence the rambling. I do know it is true. I know I tell myself that I can't do lots of things, that I'm not good at lots of things. But it's not true. There are things I don't like or want to do that's different.

I have some very big goals this year. big, big
I promise to share them soon

home

the herons have left - scenes from our early morning walk (sweet cheeks Winn* & me)

I'm a lucky girl 'cause I have 2 homes. 2 places I feel joy, inspiration, comfort & loads of love.
Here at 29 Black Street with the Prince & our family of fur & at MLou + L's place in the forest.

lucky me

courage my love

grey, still, quiet & incredibly beautiful - Hey ! I live in heaven

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

Chatting on the phone with best friend MLou yesterday, having our usual favourite chat combo of mundane mixed with profound topics, and this quotation came up. A quote that I've known of for years & years but lately it's really beginning to resonate with me, to call to me ... to really mean something to me. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us

I'm about to attempt to put the big, fat, black velvet chicelet Bleetito in a cat carrier to take him to the vet. Yikes. Any attempts at persuading Bleet to do anything he doesn't feel like turns him instantly into a powerful panther like creature with 10 deadly talons and no shame when it comes to ferociously biting the hand that feeds him. Sigh. I think he may have a sore tooth & I'm worried he might be in pain. He's not a creature I've taken to the vet often, because of his semi feral, wild beast attitude about it all. I had to give him a pill once in his 12 years living here with us & I'm surprised I wasn't horribly disfigured in the process. He can be a wild cat. I'm scheming a combination of tuna & catnip to get him into the carrier ... wish me luck. My heart is pounding.

It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery
rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness
that would last the rest of our lives.

Marianne Williamson

ah the sea

ah the sea ... & a 2 minute walk from 29 Black Street - the view from the end of Water St.

psssst ....

wanna know a secret ??

I have a job interview today at on of my most favourite places ... the post office ! uh huh !!
it's for a very casual, part time, (foot in the door) post office clerk position here in our little village and I'm so psyched ... my interview's in the nearby bigger town at 2pm today.

crossed fingers & paws please ;-)

changing

from the crescent beach this early morning and collected blue mussel shells - Miss D + me

they must often change,
who would be constant in happiness & wisdom

Confucius

Sometimes changing is so subtle & quiet, so slow & gradual it's practically imperceivable and other times changing feels very rough & tumble, irritating & annoying - undesired. I ponder to myself why can't I wrap myself up tighter in my cozy warm quilt of status quo and sleep this off.

Life just doesn't work that way.
Change is good. Change is growth.
Change is constant. Best get used to it.

A fantastic ad for my much loved Google -
Curious with a capital "C" am I and with google one never needs to wonder ever again -sigh

mysteries

an early evening view from our favourite grassy hill (Miss D's & mine) - we sit each night a spell

The time will come when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door,
in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit ... here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread.
Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love after Love - Derek Walcott*

I wonder why it feels so hard to give your heart to yourself

I've yet to figure out where I can put all of that sadness. Overstuffed bags of it that I've been carting around ... forever. It's so heavy, it fills up so much space, and it never really goes away, it just moves or shuffles around to a different location ... it recedes. But at a moments' notice it's back and ready to expand to 300x it's normal size, like those weird little toys - grow a dinosaur. The books I've been reading explain that thoughts & feelings aren't true, they aren't facts - they are just thoughts & feelings (and therefore to be taken, please, with a grain of salt).

How can that be ?
I feel like I am a feeling, actually I am a billion feelings and thoughts and not much else.
My feelings and my thoughts - isn't that who I am ?

Apparently not.

*from this dog eared, fantastic & favourite book (I read this book over and over again).

gloosecap

scenes from yesterday's Canada Day road trip along the beautiful & spectacular Bay of Fundy

What a perfect way to celebrate our country's birthday. Driving around secondary roads being swept away by the rugged beauty of where we live. We left the house around 9am and returned at 6:30pm, I drove the entire drive as the cowboy is suffering from some summer flu/cold affliction. Driving and me are a funny pair - most of the time I don't enjoy it but yesterday the roads were quiet and the few cars that we encountered seemed happy to mozy along at the speed limit with us. I'm thinking all the idiots and joy riders who prefer to drive, always, at least 20kms over the speed limit, tailing my !#?&! bumper trying to make me speed as well were all sitting in a beer tent somewhere or riding the ferris wheel. Hooray !

We followed the Gloosecap Trail along the coast of the majestic Bay of Fundy from Nappan to Joggins, through Ragged Reef, around Cape Chignecto, Advocate Harbour, Spencer's Island, Port Greville, Parrsborro, Five Islands, Bass River, Diligent River, Economy and stopped just before Truro to turn North and head home again. We packed a picnic lunch and stopped along the way for an ice cream cone and a quart of local strawberries bought at a road side stand. We'll do this drive again very soon ... it was an absolutely perfect Canada Day.

Two time lapse videos of the worlds highest tide - the Bay of Fundy - here & here
At Spencer's Island there is a plaque commemorating the mystery of the ship Mary Celeste
The legend of Gloosecap
Tidal Life: The Natural History of the Bay of Fundy a book I just took down from my bookshelf
Bay of Fundy blog
the wild and thundering Dory Rips at Cape D'or (scroll down for great photos)