sweetness - Miss Winnie Dixon
When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I did do mild battle with my nocturnal demon thoughts. But they did seemed weaker, it was easier to push them away because I had been pondering their existence all morning while painting my final painting in a series of pre school cuteness.
J. left an interesting comment, a question, yesterday later in the day on this blog, Oprah's guest was Marianne Williamson, and I was also thinking of the significance of it being 15 years ago today or yesterday that I packed up my life and moved to this tiny village from downtown Toronto. I was coming to a good job, I bought this house while still in Toronto and I didn't know a soul when I arrived. I didn't find it scary at all, it was exciting, a new chapter full of possibilities.
I realized that my moments of insomnia don't bother me so much because I'm tired during the day, nor do I really mind being awake in the middle of the night. When you're self-employed and working from home, a nap is always a possibility if required. The issue at hand is that when I am lying awake in the middle of the night, snug in my nest ... I'm afraid. I feel fearful. And that is ultimately a choice that I am making.
Last night as I pushed those bad thoughts away I thought instead to make a list of 5 things that at that moment I felt grateful for.
- Winnie Dixon snoring soundly in her bed underneath my bed
- Val from customer No. Uno who is my biggest creative fan and continues to give me an endless list of freelance assignments
- The comfort, warmth and security of my flannel & down nest
- My healthy self & body
- My incredible 12 year relationship & adventure, pure love, with my big red lug- Jake
I can't really type as fast as my thoughts are coming this morning. I woke up an hour later than usual ... such a sound and grateful sleep I had. Smile. I feel like the Universe is blowing little spit balls at me. Little chewed up bits of paper, blown through the empty shell of a Bic pen. And I am just beginning to feel them. The recent death and subsequent absence of my hero dog, my best pal, my everything dog - Jake initially felt like a giant void, a hole so deep and dark that it would never fill up again. Now it's beginning to feel more like a wide open space. Like the empty rolling pastures and the endless sandbars that we enjoy each morning.