yesterday's early morning walk in snowness
scenario #1
- 5 am-8pm - coffee (ahh!), blog, bath, walk, busy work day designing cute things, post-office, afternoon walk, dishes, small chores, etc.
- 8pm-9pm - watch Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert, laughs and smiles with clementines
- 9pm - retreat to the Nest with books, magazines and CBC radio Ideas
- 9:15 pm cats (all but Gus) begin the bedtime swarm and Winnie's gone to her bed under my bed (I have a very high old antique bed).
- 9:30 - read 2-3 pages of current you can fix your life book and feel oh so cozy and snug and then suddenly, very sleepy - so lights off
- Midnight - 2am - always in that 2 hour time slot (Bing!) eyes wide open and big, bad, ugly monster thoughts are circling the bed (worry, fret and anxiety are now joined by grief and sadness, where did my big red dog go ?) I turn the light on beside my bed and they retreat a bit, scurrying to the darker corners of my room (big sigh), I feel panicked many nights, I get up and go to the washroom, I read, I listen to CBC radio's overnight programming. Radio Checkoslvakia or radio Australia. I turn my light off again and listen to voices chatter away. A radio documentary about Benazere Bhutto or a radio play about cats living in a chateau, anything, other words and sentences to replace the ones that are picking away in my head.
- 2-3 am - The witching hour seems to be over, kinder, gentler thoughts appear. Hopeful and optimistic arrive tagging along with you can do this (whatever this may happen to be) and sleep, thankfully, comes too.
- 3-5am Lovely sound sleep often accompanied by movie dreams, rich and interesting with lovely settings, and beautiful cinematography
- 5 am - hear the last gurgle and sputter of my coffeemaker and smell that wonderful aroma of morning. Housecoat on, coffee poured, yawn.
- 5 am-8pm - coffee (ahh!), blog, bath, walk, busy work day designing cute things, post-office, afternoon walk, dishes, small chores, etc.
- 8pm-9pm - watch Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert, laughs and smiles with clementines
- 9:00pm - retreat to the nest with books, magazines and CBC radio Ideas
- 9:15 pm cats (all but Gus) begin the bedtime swarm and Winnie's gone to her bed under my bed (I have a very high old antique bed).
- 9:29pm - place tiny magic pill under my tongue to dissolve and wash the taste away with a swig of water.
- 9:30pm - read 2-3 pages of current you can fix your life book and feel oh so cozy and snug and then suddenly, very sleepy - so lights off
- 9:31-4:59 am - a kind of coma sleep, sound, deep and condensed - it feels at 5am like I've only been sleeping for an hour. I feel slightly heavy. I don't like this sleep either and I don't like taking pills.
- 5 am - hear the last gurgle and sputter of my coffeemaker and smell that wonderful aroma of morning. Housecoat on, coffee poured, yawn.
afternoon walk through pastures toward the sea, mild + wind = melting
I know what you mean about taking those pills. You definitely go to sleep, but when you wake up you don't feel rested. I don't know which is the lesser of two evils though.
ReplyDeleteMy question is, which feels better to you, #1 or #2? You're able to go back to sleep after your bout of 2am anxiety, but do you feel sleepy the next day, or does it not effect you much? Also, might a different medication have a better result? There are a lot of options out there, including herbs and supplements, so maybe a little experimenting might help. Sunshine & hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think the ultimate best solution is, will be, to change my thinking. It's not that I'm tired during the day, and it's not that I mind being awake in the middle of the night. Being self employed I could have a nap in the afternoon if I needed to. The real issue, I'm realizing, is that when I'm awake in the middle of the night I feel afraid.
ReplyDelete...I need to deal with that fear. I'm reading Eckart Tolle's A New Earth and am signed up for Oprah's big web cast course with Eckart beginning Monday March 03. I need to learn, understand & believe that I am not my thoughts.
Thanks J. for your question. It helped me to realize that it isn't at all about sleep.
Flurries & hugs back.
Hey ive looked at that New Earth book in the shop. I haven't read it, but don't a lot of other sources say "you ARE your thoughts" And that you choose your thoughts? This is mostly what I am trying to follow.
ReplyDeleteStrange coincidence you mentioned about thoughts because i just thanked myself/the universe/whoever (in my blog) for my understanding of this idea.
Goodnight.