wide open spaces

Friday, February 29, 2008


sweetness - Miss Winnie Dixon

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I did do mild battle with my nocturnal demon thoughts. But they did seemed weaker, it was easier to push them away because I had been pondering their existence all morning while painting my final painting in a series of pre school cuteness.

J. left an interesting comment, a question, yesterday later in the day on this blog, Oprah's guest was Marianne Williamson, and I was also thinking of the significance of it being 15 years ago today or yesterday that I packed up my life and moved to this tiny village from downtown Toronto. I was coming to a good job, I bought this house while still in Toronto and I didn't know a soul when I arrived. I didn't find it scary at all, it was exciting, a new chapter full of possibilities.

I realized that my moments of insomnia don't bother me so much because I'm tired during the day, nor do I really mind being awake in the middle of the night. When you're self-employed and working from home, a nap is always a possibility if required. The issue at hand is that when I am lying awake in the middle of the night, snug in my nest ... I'm afraid. I feel fearful. And that is ultimately a choice that I am making.

Last night as I pushed those bad thoughts away I thought instead to make a list of 5 things that at that moment I felt grateful for.

  1. Winnie Dixon snoring soundly in her bed underneath my bed
  2. Val from customer No. Uno who is my biggest creative fan and continues to give me an endless list of freelance assignments
  3. The comfort, warmth and security of my flannel & down nest
  4. My healthy self & body
  5. My incredible 12 year relationship & adventure, pure love, with my big red lug- Jake
Being grateful, most recently inspired by Pherenike, who posts a sentence of gratitude at the end each post on her blog Sunshine Dew.

I can't really type as fast as my thoughts are coming this morning. I woke up an hour later than usual ... such a sound and grateful sleep I had. Smile. I feel like the Universe is blowing little spit balls at me. Little chewed up bits of paper, blown through the empty shell of a Bic pen. And I am just beginning to feel them. The recent death and subsequent absence of my hero dog, my best pal, my everything dog - Jake initially felt like a giant void, a hole so deep and dark that it would never fill up again. Now it's beginning to feel more like a wide open space. Like the empty rolling pastures and the endless sandbars that we enjoy each morning.

10 comments:

  1. Hey! I swear this post wasnt here 5 minutes ago! I just commented on your last post, Im a bit behind! Im going to bed, its 12:30.

    ReplyDelete
  2. from Eckart Tolle

    Thinking, for most people, is involuntary and compulsive, even addictive. Many people are tortured on a daily basis by their minds, by the voice in their head that never stops speaking. Most negative emotional states are caused by dysfunctional thinking, and emotions are the reaction of your body to your thoughts. For example, grievances, resentment, guilt etc. disappear when the voice in your head stops telling its old stories. Fear disappears when your mind no longer creates future scenarios – to which your body reacts as if they were a present reality

    http://eckharttolle.com

    I do believe in imagining and creating a positive and brilliant future in your thoughts and mind, a la "The Secret" and I also believe deeply in Eckart's philosophy of "The Power of Now" ... if I could just get the hang of practicing both. Smile. Susan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good morning! I too follow the secret and work on my thinking actively. That and meditation really help. I took transcendental meditation way back in the past, and it has never lost its power for me, though I haven't always tapped into it. It's a weird trait of humans that even when we find something we know works, we don't always do it! My best friend, Linda, brought the Eckart book over to show me last night. She was signed up for the big Oprah cast today too. I checked out pherenike's site and I love the gratitude lists. I do that in my journal most days.
    Wow...you were quite courageous in that move long ago.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There was something I read years ago, regarding thoughts and meditation, that went something like "the clouds that move across the sky are not the sky." It resonated with me. We are more than our thoughts. Much of what we worry about never comes to pass. And, to quote a song, "realize that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum." :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi,

    Don't you just wish there was one definitive manual?

    Although, thinking about that more, I have decided to approach the vast array of 'fix it' books out there as a resource. Something that you research and then formulate your own hypothesis. Kind of like the secret brings together a bunch of different traditions for its basis. I think you are on to it when you speak of practicing both 'the secret' and 'the power of now.'

    Ive been tagged and must pass the tag on, so, you guessed it - TAG. Please share seven things about yourself, some random, some odd.

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