wide open spaces

sweetness - Miss Winnie Dixon

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I did do mild battle with my nocturnal demon thoughts. But they did seemed weaker, it was easier to push them away because I had been pondering their existence all morning while painting my final painting in a series of pre school cuteness.

J. left an interesting comment, a question, yesterday later in the day on this blog, Oprah's guest was Marianne Williamson, and I was also thinking of the significance of it being 15 years ago today or yesterday that I packed up my life and moved to this tiny village from downtown Toronto. I was coming to a good job, I bought this house while still in Toronto and I didn't know a soul when I arrived. I didn't find it scary at all, it was exciting, a new chapter full of possibilities.

I realized that my moments of insomnia don't bother me so much because I'm tired during the day, nor do I really mind being awake in the middle of the night. When you're self-employed and working from home, a nap is always a possibility if required. The issue at hand is that when I am lying awake in the middle of the night, snug in my nest ... I'm afraid. I feel fearful. And that is ultimately a choice that I am making.

Last night as I pushed those bad thoughts away I thought instead to make a list of 5 things that at that moment I felt grateful for.

1. Winnie Dixon snoring soundly in her bed underneath my bed
2. Val from customer No. Uno who is my biggest creative fan and continues to give me an endless list of freelance assignments
3. The comfort, warmth and security of my flannel & down nest
4. My healthy self & body
5. My incredible 12 year relationship & adventure, pure love, with my big red lug- Jake

Being grateful, most recently inspired by Pherenike, who posts a sentence of gratitude at the end each post on her blog Sunshine Dew.

I can't really type as fast as my thoughts are coming this morning. I woke up an hour later than usual ... such a sound and grateful sleep I had. Smile. I feel like the Universe is blowing little spit balls at me. Little chewed up bits of paper, blown through the empty shell of a Bic pen. And I am just beginning to feel them. The recent death and subsequent absence of my hero dog, my best pal, my everything dog - Jake initially felt like a giant void, a hole so deep and dark that it would never fill up again. Now it's beginning to feel more like a wide open space. Like the empty rolling pastures and the endless sandbars that we enjoy each morning.