9 days

Noodle

I'm sure that when you look at this photo you see an old dog, but I just see my dog. An ageless big lug of faded red fur, the most kind and gentle big brown eyes and love like I've never felt before and I miss him so much, I just can't believe it. I feel mad, hurt, & lost. I know this is normal, to have moments when it feels like it's getting better, that the deep sadness is retreating a little and then for it to come whooshing back, like a big wave knocking you off your feet. I always knew it would be like this, because I did think about it, a lot. How would I ever cope saying goodbye to this dog, how could my life just go on without him in it. I have friends and family that have young dogs in their lives and they know what I'm talking about. Their lives are far too short and as soon as you find yourself madly in love with them, your mind will occasionally creep to that place ...

I love them all, have loved them all. Ernst & Emma. Winnie Dixon. My crabby bossy Lulu, sweet weird Bleet and kittens Gus & Oliver. But Jake ... that big ol' red, stick fetchin' Noodle... well he completely stole my heart, he took it from me years and years ago, shortly after we first met.

Grief is a such a desperate feeling, other than drinking or drugs and numbing yourself to it (which unfortunately I gave up years ago), there's nothing to do but feel it. I can't change things, I can't fix this, I can't will him back and God knows I've tried. And I'm having such a hard time believing that he's gone. Just like those days recently after we'd had a good vet report and I'd whirl my shopping cart through the Superstore wanting to stop people, shake them by the shoulders and sing my dog's OK, my dog's OK, now I want to scream and yell at people, even friends, my dog's gone, he's gone ... and he's not coming back. I want to say shut up with your platitudes of a long life and a good life and a much loved life. I miss him. I want him back. This is about me, it's about my hurt, it's about my loss.


a Noodle in the snow with our girl

The song Sailing by Christopher Cross just played on the radio, a song I used to love and a song I haven't heard in a very long time. I turned it up really loud. I do believe that song was a message, a message from my boy.

And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find tranquility
The canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me
It's not far to never never land
No reason to pretend
And if the wind is right you can find the joy
Of innocence again