november

the last gasps of a window box - white impatients & red petunias

November 1 - hard to believe but I think this happens every year. Fall & winter rush toward you when you haven't had time yet to really get in the groove of summer. It's very windy this morning but warm +11C.

Last November I was in the beginning stages of caring for my ailing senior dog Emma Jane Louise, it was up one day "oh she's fine, look at her go, she's going to be OK" and then two days later she would fail tremendously and I'd be thinking " Oh my God, my dog is dying" and then she'd rally again. November & almost all of December were spent on that roller coaster of emotions going from pure joy because she seemed fine again to heart wrenching grief when she'd have a really bad day. I slept downstairs in the living room by the fire and close to her in case she needed me in the night or by chance if she made some sound that I needed to hear. It felt like I slept with one eye open & my ears listening intently all through the night, it was awful. I felt exhausted, sad & overwhelmed most of the time. I had placed two twin mattresses on the living room floor in front of the fire and made one giant dog bed and we'd all hang out there in the evenings. Em, Winnie, Jake & I having bowls of vanilla ice cream, scrambled eggs & soft toast or whatever tasty treat I could think that would appeal to my sick girl.

The year before, 2005, I spent the same 2 months November & December saying that long hard goodbye to Ernst my sweet tabby cat. He was the very first of my own pets to die. He was 14 and had been hyperthyroid for years and his little organs were just worn out. He declined fairly rapidly and steadily through the Christmas season and I said goodbye on New Years Eve ... and I probably waited longer than I should have ... it's just SO difficult to decide when is the right time.

Ernst's death and sickness taught me so much, and very much helped make Em's decline easier (she was nearly 16, which, for a golden retriever is quite remarkable and I know inside I felt once we had passed 14 that we were living on borrowed time and secretly I had been preparing myself). I remember thinking soon after Ernst was gone ... how it felt like he'd become my little spiritual adviser. Reminding me that the moment is what's important in life, to make sure that I had no regrets as far as my family of animals are concerned. It's hard, sometimes, when you live with a houseful of animals to pay attention to everyone, you worry that someone's being neglected a bit. I would never again walk by them, as they lie in their beds looking up at me, without stopping to pat them and tell them how much I love them. From then on, throughout the day, when someone would arrive at my desk to say hello, I would stop what ever I was doing, speak to them and hug them. I want my family of cats & dogs to feel secure, loved, never bored or lonely, well exercised & well fed. When Em died I had no regrets ... just that awful sense that this can't really be happening, combined with a strange twist of guilt inducing relief, relief that the question has finally been answered. And, when that time comes again ... I want to feel secure that they have lived the best lives that I could possibly give them ... because knowing that ... is and will be very comforting.

I didn't mean to write a sad post this morning, but I guess I needed to have a cry. I have been feeling, these last few days, that tears have been piling up inside just waiting for an opportunity to spill out. Writing this post gave them that chance. I am hoping that this year November & December will be light, easy, breezy & mildly festive - that I'll continue to be very busy with lots of design work, that I'll make tins of home made goodies as gifts for friends and tins of assorted home made dog cookies for all our morning walk canine pals, that I'll string my Charlie Brown's Christmas lights and sing carols to myself while puttering around and most of all ... that this November & December will be happy times in the brick house at 29 Black Street.


Jake & Emma Jane Louise


Ernst (Ernie)