guilt & grief

nasturtiums

Just felt like we needed a pop of colour on this cold and snowy Tuesday.

I have been planning a post titled Grief, Guilt & Hemangiosarcoma (bet you can't wait). It's about euthanasia and the terrible wracking guilt that often comes along with it and of finally feeling as if I know for sure what was ultimately wrong with my best friend Jake. The thing that was so terribly wrong that I chose, in my traumatized f&cked up state after enduring a month of his severe ups and way, way downs, to end his life 10 months ago today. I've never stopped, obsessively at times, researching on line - attempting to diagnose his illness, hunting for reassurance that yes I did do the right thing and at the right time. What if I could have had more time with him ? Maybe he might have rallied one more time. Those questions and doubts have haunted me, and combined with Sadness and Loneliness - and just plain Missing him, have made this year one of the hardest of my life. You see I've never loved anyone as much as I loved that dog - and I know that sounds strange, maybe even sad to some of you - while human love has eluded me - canine love has surrounded me. The absolute, no holds barred, love of my life (thus far) is, has been, a big red lug of a dog. Who loved me back with the same, constant, wide open, often goofy, exuberant intensity. For that I consider myself a very lucky girl and ... no wonder I miss him still, so much.

Sunday I found, in my ongoing googling around, a chat forum where others shared their stories and experiences of Hemangiosarcoma, an often sudden and extremely deadly form of cancer especially common in senior Golden Retrievers. Deadly in that by the time the dog shows symptoms the tumours are usually very large and have metastasized. The symptoms they described, the ups and downs, the weakness, collapses and loss of appetite and then suddenly out of the blue seeming totally fine again, were all too familiar to me. It talked also about how stoic dogs can be - they're still wagging their tails and smiling at you when they're actually very sick and often near death. Many of the dogs were much younger than Jake, some only 8 and a few even younger. He could have had exploratory surgery as a last resort, possible a splenectomy (removing his spleen and any tumours attached to it) ... I did consider it but putting him through all of that was never really an option, my biggest fear, for my just past 13 year old dog, was that I would end up saying goodbye to him on an operating table ... and I couldn't bear that.

Hemangiosarcoma is a disease which Jake was actually diagnosed with way back in April of '07 when he quite suddenly became very ill, had a battery of tests and xrays and after three consecutive days at the vet was given a best guess, Hemangiosarcoma, 2-weeks-to-live prognosis. Days past and we gratefully began to believe it was a mistake, a wrong diagnosis. He didn't die, he got better and had another fun and amazing retrieving filled summer. I believe now, through all my reading and researching, that he lived another healthy, full of beans, 10 months beyond that initial diagnosis - was a gift - he knew, I'm sure of it, that I needed more time to get myself ready for life without him in it.

Thank goodness I kept hunting and thank goodness that I found this site. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Ache, Sadness & Longing (to bury my face in his furry red neck) will be with me awhile, maybe even always ... but Guilt and Grief I think and hope, are finally riding off into the sunset.

Love ya Noodle ....