itty bitty Betty / berries / crows in fog / that gorgeous apricot-ish Walmart mini rose now planted snug & cozy in the ground / uh… Mr. task master in early this morning / burning bush berries / my girl she loves to rub & roll in frosty grass / miniature worlds curb side / the golden hour aster seed heads
from a favourite blogger Denise Andrade-Kroon @ faesoul.com, she took the words right our of my mouth & my heart. Well actually she took the thoughts and spoke them much more eloquently than I could've imagined doing - merci sweet one !
A sense of un-belonging.
I'm just not sure I belong. Anywhere. With any type of community: Social. Religious. Spiritual. Heartical. Soul-ful. My soul is hungry to learn and experience, to understand and seek what speaks to me deeply, what feels like home to the rhythm of my heart but throughout my life I have found that not one way or place or group has ever really felt like a place where I fit in.
I wondered about it tonight. If its okay to not belong. If its possible to be at ease with yourself if you never feel you quite fit in anywhere. Then I looked at the word "belong" and I saw two words "be" and "longing".
To be longing.
I realize this is a play on words, but hmmmm.
I always considered to belong was to settle and claim, to be accepted and part of, to be one with and to identify with but perhaps my be-longing is my seeking and my journey, not necessarily my destination. My be-longing is my search for truth and light and LOVE. Its a longing so very unique to me and needn't be part of anything.
So perhaps I do belong. Denise Andrade-Kroon
The thing about my own sense of un-belonging, and I've had it as long as I can remember, I don't really care anymore so much that I don't belong - I care more about the idea that I think I should care that I don't belong. Anne Lamott (new fav person) talks a lot about that feeling of not fitting, of feeling since she was a child of 7 or 8, that surely Martians had dropped her off here on earth, with no users manual and then forgot to come back and pick her up - that same sense of intense un-belonging. I'm not ever sure where I belong though thankfully I am, and always will be - be longing ;-)