one day at a time

Monday, March 10, 2008

Winn waiting at the bottom of the grassy lane for Carol

I'll admit I've been having a rough time emotionally since the death of my hero dog Jake on Jan 25 (45 days ago). A caring friend reminds me that often depression can be triggered by a trauma like death & grief. A hopelessness sweeps over you, it's like you're trying to start the engine in your car each morning and you just get that errrggghh errrrggghh errrrggghhh sound. The engine won't turn over, it can't think of a reason to turn over. It seems my eyes are always filled with tears.

It's hard, - people, friends & family don't know how to deal with a broken spirit. If you had some physical ailment something tangible that they could see (a broken limb, a terrible case of the flu or strep throat) something that they could relate to, some sickness that has a name, they might want to try and help. Along with sadness comes loneliness and feeling isolated. It's a terrible vicious circle. Having battled low grade depression and anxiety for most of my life these feelings aren't at all new to me ...

My solution, this morning anyway, is to remind myself that it's Monday always a great new beginning day. I'm pouring a nice hot bath with coco butter and orange essential oil droplets. I have a plan for the day and further plans and goals for the week and I will continue to put one foot ahead of the other, to allow myself to cry if that's what I need. We'll get out in the fresh air Miss Winn and I and we'll have long walks though frosty pastures. We'll get lots of exercise. I'll try to stay with today, with this day only ... to not let my mind wander back in time or forward into the future. I'll make an appointment with my Dr. who is a kind and caring man and he and I have had this conversation before. It's possible, I'll admit, that I may need some help with this.


  1. I'm glad you're seeing your doc. It's the right thing to do. I hope he/she gives you the help you need and that you start to feel better soon. *hugs*

  2. we are all here,.... urging you gently forward Susan and sending you strength, (however little it may be), from long distances.

    Sounds to me like you are doing all the "right" things. I, too, am glad that at least you have a kind/caring doctor that will spend a bit of time talking to you about it. Good idea there too.

    You, yourself, have said that you feel you may be more sensitive in may just be that this will take longer than you or anybody else in the immediate circle will be thinking it should. I have a feeling there is a lot in your past that has built up and the pile of things may finally be may still be dragging a lot of it around with you that you could jettison?

    I have a ton of background baggage, but,many years ago I decided that if I tried to carry it around it would drag me directly to the bottom of that ocean. I finally got tough....likened myself to a pirate wench, and threw it overboard, along with several family members and acquaintances that were doing their best to sink me.... I moved upward and onward.

    My life took a complete turn for the better. Now, I just see all that "stuff" and all the happenings as a huge bag of experience instead of a bag of bricks. I am not dragging it... and it is not dragging me down. It is always there behind me; way in the distance...but...if need be, I can draw on it at any time for the experience factor and use it to my advantage.
    My Mom, who had a shitty time in life...always said... "no experience is ever a waste". That little lady gave us all some of the best advice in the world. It got her through WW II ... a brutal husband...idiot users and abusers...until she finally got to the point where she lived by her beloved ocean and enjoyed her special times walking beside it..smelling the salty breeze and grinning from ear to ear for several great years. She deserved so much more...but she squeezed all she could from a life that was less than perfect and passed that indomitable spirit on... I often wish I had a bit more of it....

    What a cute pic of Winnie.... awwww... waiting for Carol,... I clicked on the pic to make it larger and yes...waaaaay in the distance...I can see her. It is wonderful that you two have such a wonderful place to spend hours walking.........

  3. I'm glad you have a caring doctor. Sometimes, all of us need a little help. And it's only been six weeks; six weeks isn't very long. You seem like you know what to do, what you need and how to take care of yourself. It's just hard at times, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Remember to breathe. Warm thoughts and hugs.

  4. I have recently fallen in love with your gorgeous blog - your photos make me calm every time I look at them. I hope that humans in the blogosphere and real world can be there for me when/if I lose my special and unique friend, david bowie. (yes - that is his name...) I hope this silly photo of dog resembling owner will put a smile on your face...


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