tulips -polaroid
This photograph was taken early last evening. I have a stash of Polaroid film, an entire case of it actually, living in my fridge, that I purchased ages ago and well before any news of Polaroid film being discontinued forever. Lucky me. Polaroid film much like a crack cocaine for lovers of photography - try to take just one or two photos after you've loaded the film pack containing only 10 shots.
Yesterday I kept thinking about that line from Shakespeare "to thine own self be true" and that thought arriving in my brain as a cumulative kind of thought, resulting from the seemingly endless recent reevaluation of my life. My needs, my wants, my dreams, my dislikes, my passions ... and what I can afford.
I'll admit when I bought this old house 15 years ago I had giant fantasies, Martha Stewart kind of fantasies of who I was, who I wanted to be, who I was going to craft myself into. I was going to be that super woman kinda girl. With a tool kit and a gardening shed, she could strip wallpaper, paint rooms, patch holes in walls, drive a tiller, mow lawns and cart around a giant gas powered whipper snipper. And work at a full time job and she'd do this all by herself. Well, never completely alone - always with a loving & supportive gang of cats and dogs keeping her company.
Lately it feels like I've just woken up from a dream and I'm looking around at my life and I'm thinking - I am not that super woman kinda girl, I never will be and actually I don't even want to be her anymore. Oh I might have been her for a few moments or days, here and there over the last 15 years but she' s gone now, she moved out awhile ago. I want simplicity, I want a life that's manageable. A life that feels like it's mine. That doesn't always feel like an in box stacked with a teetering pile of things to attend to. I love my work, how fantastic is that ? I'm just beginning year 7 of Susan Black Design and I could sit at my desk for hours on end, happily working away while listening to my beloved CBC radio. I feel strongly that I've only tapped into the tip of that ice burg as far as my creative abilities go. I want and need to spend my time growing my business, teaching myself new things, feeling stimulated and alive and stress free. Sigh.
I need to sell this house ... it really is that simple. That will be step one (and that is a big step). Step two ... where will I move to ? where can I afford to live ? where would I like to live ? Wow... so much to think about. Believe me it's all terrifying and exciting. My life is changing ... big time.
Hey Universe ... I'd like a tiny life please... a tiny life with a big giant heart.
Bleetness with his mama dog Jake
Hey handsome, we love you and we miss you so much ....
"A tiny life with a big heart." Susan, you are so far ahead of the game because now you can define what you want. And you are self honest enough to admit the death or let's just say the fizzling out of a long time dream which you thought for sure was the right one but turned out not to be. And what guts you had to go for that dream and make it happen. If you did it then, you can do it again. You're much wiser now though you may not still have that old "hey, what the hell? I'm going for it." derring do of the young. But you don't need that now. Wisdom can carry you far. Just don't let it paralyze you.
ReplyDeleteAt least the best selling time is ahead. If your area is like mine, the chances of a sale in summer is much greater than in the winter. Like me, you'll have to weigh how much you want the change SOON against how much your house will sell for NOW and with how much more that charming but old house will demand of your resources if you keep it longer. (Here, one can't get in too much of a hurry as it takes houses a couple of years sometimes to sell)
One more tip from an old advertising broad: get involved in the promotion of the house. Draw a charming rendition of the house, romance it with words and help your realtor along. I have always sold houses quicker than most because of getting involved in the advertising. Though I have never used it, you might consider using craigs list in the nearby cities where people are just dying for a weekender on the shore. Without a bunch of extra money to run some of your own adds, you can get creative. What about bulletin boards in upscale areas of the nearest large town. Perhaps a website on the house. And finally...visualize, visualize, visualize!
It's good to have a fresh dream.
Anya your first paragraph nearly made me cry. Your words of support and belief in me mean so much. I do feel as if I've just woken up, jarred even a bit ... suddenly awake. I'm sure Jake's death had something to do with it. The end of the retriever era.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that this blog has helped me tremendously in really uncovering what I love in life and what's important to me and to also help me to accept my imperfections ... and God knows there are many.
My plan is next spring. I have begun the conversation with a real estate agent, someone I know and feel very comfortable with. It's funny she mentioned my blog to me our very first meeting. 29 Black Street is the actual address of this old brick house. She is very familiar with this blog and she feels that it is a kind of branding of the address and of the potential lifestyle ... your idea of a web site is fantastic.
Of course part of me wishes I could just lie down in the grass looking up at the blue sky and twitch my nose like Bewitched and have it all be done with ...it does seem an enormous and daunting task ... making such a big life change. But I have to do it ... my spirit is failing and we can't have that. Smile.
I think "a tiny life with a big heart" is a good mission statement or phrase to propel me forward on this BIG change.
Thank you Anya !
Such lovely tulips! Your Polaroid looks like pastels to me, soft and light. I can relate to the feeling of wanting a life that's yours. Lately, I've been feeling like my life is a Talking Heads song, Once In a Lifetime, that goes "well, how DID I get here?" And I need to make big changes too, it can be sooo daunting to consider, and so completely necessary.
ReplyDeleteHey J. let's believe that we can do it, that it's not so daunting ... that we can and will have the life we dream of, the life we crave and the life we deserve. I'm game ... are you?
ReplyDelete