another spell

a noodle in the snow

spell n a period of bodily or mental distress or disorder

My boy's had another spell, just a few hours short of a week since the last episode (which I'm feeling is pretty good). And a healthy and energetic, back-to-normal 7 days it's been. It's funny how I've become so incredibly attuned to his every move, facial expression and all the subtle nuances in the qualities and characteristics of the Jake personality. Early yesterday morning he was just not quite himself. Not the usual exuberant early morning Noodle dog, there was no big dramatic demanding of cat food, and he actually slept in (which he never does - if I'm up he's up) on his bed by the fire.

We did pile into the car to go for a walk in the big field next to the cottage lane but we didn't stay long. Both Winnie Dixon and Jake seemed to find it cold (although the temperatures were fairly seasonal to mild yesterday) holding their little paws up and looking at me as if to say ... do something, fix this please and I've become paranoid about taking Jake anywhere too far from the car or from home, especially on a day like yesterday when my spider senses were definitely tingling.

Sure enough around lunch time he followed me into the kitchen and when I turned to look at him he was staring off into space, his body stiffened slightly, tail wagging and I held onto him around his middle as he sunk to the floor, suddenly too weak to stand up. This morning he's still resting and doesn't seem to want to get up yet, he's bright and alert and drinking water, but sadly, declined a few spoonfuls of cat food - a sure sign that he's not feeling well.

It's baffling, I guess I'm supposed to stop trying to figure it out ... but that's really difficult to do and it's very upsetting to see him like this, to be wondering if he's suffering and to be wishing that I could just lift him up like a cat and take him outside to sit in the snow for a minute and breath in that fresh cold air. It's just so strange (strange in a good way) that he has so many days of normal-ness in between these spells. If he had some very serious senior dog illness these symptoms should not retreat for days at a time, but remain more constant. There should be more symptoms, a variety of things beginning to show up. It's totally baffling and frustrating, and I'm really trying to just be calm & positive thinking, to comfort him and remind him of how much I love him ... a million, zillion times.

wonder

clementines

Stuff your eyes with wonder,
live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds.
See the world.
It's more fantastic than any dream.

Ray Bradbury

courtesy of quote maven, Brin at messy thrilling life


ficus leaf

lil man & ver

daily kitten love

Gus & Oliver. Gussie Gus (Mr. Mr. or Lil' Man) my sleek, long and lean, perfect tabby cat. The cat who doesn't like to be picked up, doesn't want to be patted, his idea of affection is smacking his little purring body into you and then flopping down on the floor dramatically, sprawled out like a wee lion in a tree in the Serengeti. He's a strange cat. Mr. Aloof, the cat who we hardly ever see, although since installing the big kitten flat screen in the kitchen he's been hangin' with us much more. He lies on that pillow almost all day, his little body squished as flat as possible, little ears flattened to his head. He's stalking those birds, just inches away, with eyes as wide as saucers ... all day.

And Oliver (Ver), he's just the opposite. Mr. Personality, Mr. Social, Mr. Nosy, Mr. hey what's going on here? Oliver, who's on my lap as I type this, purring and rubbing his soft little head against my face. Sweet Ver, who insists on sleeping draped over me every night like a small, soft, calico blanket. He's my comfort cat.

It's still bitter cold here this morning, far too cold to go for our morning walk and everything here at 29 Black continues to be fine ... very fine.

ps. the beach treasure packets were mailed yesterday afternoon.

a little bit blessed

hey Handsome ! yesterday morning's walk

This morning there's a giant full moon, high up in the sky, shining down and lighting up the dog's yard like a sports stadium. They've both been out to take care of some business and I stood in the sun porch doorway and waited for them to come back in. I stood in the frosty air with my housecoat snuggled in close and listening to their paws crunch across the snow. We're having a few days of bitter cold here in Nova Scotia (this morning the temperature is -19C but because of the wind chill it will feel like -31C). But so what, what do I care. My boy's OK ! My boy's OK. Shhhhhhh ! I mustn't talk about the fact that it's been 3 days and 14 hrs since the last badness. Shush and delight ! shush and look up in the sky, with the big full moon and the twinkling stars, and say thank you. Thank you !

Yesterday, Sunday, was an absolutely perfect day. And I don't toss that word around loosely. Les chiens and I had a lovely morning walk with Carol and Deb and Maggy Sue (the golden retriever). Winnie & Maggie raced and did spins in the pasture, they're usual greeting, Winn looking up at me, tongue hanging out and a smile on her face, as if to say Isn't this great! and my boy barked at the girls Come on, gimme some of those cookies please! Back home again and we all puttered. I had my Sunday morning chat with my sister while making Shepherd's Pie (comfort food) and doing up dishes. I smeared peanut butter in all the cracks & crevices of raw hide knotted treats for the dogs and off they'd trot, content for a while, to their beds by the fire. I spent the afternoon getting my beach treasure packages ready for the post on Monday (having decided that the packages themselves must also be beautiful and thrilling to receive) and I put the final touches on my first Etsy shop wares, and did all the registering, re-sizing of photos & uploading them. Later in the evening I tidied up my giant living room desk, made a list of to-dos for Monday, and readied my cozy bed on the sofa (I'm still sleeping downstairs, just in case, and secretly loving it). I put a few more logs on the fire, snuggled in under the covers, breathed in deeply and felt truly blessed.

a pink kerchief & Gwen Stefani

Miss Dixon with her new pink kerchief

Two walks yesterday, the second short, but in glorious, melting, warm sunshine, 2 days and 13 hrs since my boy got up from his last episode of badness, (shook himself off and barked for some cat food - he comes out of these spells just as suddenly as he goes down), and counting. Of course I'm hoping, (praying, and wishing) that all this badness will just one day not come back, just disappear as suddenly as it appeared, all the while trying not to think about it at all, for fear of (in this case) the dreaded laws of attraction.

SO ... onto Sunday news. Yesterday was phone chat day, not something I regularly do a lot of but both calls were from people I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. First my cousin Joni at about wool which was great and I hope that she and I make a tradition of these phone calls. She and I have just recently been back in touch with each other, via blogs and emails - and I do believe that she is a kindred spirit, and I can always use more kindred spirits in my life. The second call was from my Uncle Derek, my father's brother and another fantastic, long catch up chat while mildly multi-tasking with my cordless phone. I love my cordless phone and could not gab at any length unless I was free to walk around and do things while talking.

I made a batch of dog cookies, beef n' bacon, my boy and Miss Dixon love them. They are so easy to make and each batch makes a good size tin full of cookies. I cut mine into very small little squares, training size. All I have to do is whistle and put my hand in my pocket and my boy will turn around and come to me, instead of following his nose and launching off through the pastures or into the woods and out of sight on another of his big excellent adventures - which he does love to do. See ya later guys, he says I think I smell something rotten, that's my Noodle dog. Carefree & careless. These little training cookies have been working some magic in keeping my 13 year old lug on our beaten path.

Had great plans to Etsy-it all afternoon yesterday (prepare my wares for my shop opening this week)- and I'm afraid that just didn't ever happen. I was still, I think, returning to normal from our mid week crisis day, when I honestly was convinced that Jake was dying right here in my living room. And since then, our trip to the vet, and oh so much angst and tears and fit full sofa sleeps, it's really been exhausting. That little machine in my head was just pooped. This morning I feel well rested and it all seems long ago and far away, and just maybe a very bad dream. I feel thankful and more thankful ... while not thinking, too much, about it. (wink, wink)

Yesterday afternoon, les chiens and I cruised around the village in our teal blue 97' Ford Escort wagon, apres our walk in sunshine, doing a few errands and pretending it was summer. We had the windows rolled down and American Top 4o with Ryan Seacrest turned up on the radio and we were all singing and bopping, me and the dogs, along with Gwen Stefani. We love Gwen.

Smile.

1:30 update -After a brief consultation with Miss Dixon, slightly influenced by Miss Vee's pleading comment re: not being a winner in the beach treasure give away on our blog Saturday, we have decided to add a 4th prize -a prolific commenter prize - and that prize could only go to Miss Vee whose always here with us at 29 Black Street for a daily visit, please hotmail me your postal address Vee and we'll get your package ready. I do appreciate your offer to trade for origami ornaments but since my life's quest is to have less stuff, combined with my almost complete lack of Christmas spirit, I do believe those ornaments would be better saved for your own give away, for those elfs who will do them holiday decorating justice.

Moral of the story - it pays to plead. Wink.

sea treasure

beach glass in sunlight, summer 07

Good morning. Miss Winnie Dixon, with her new pink floral cotton kerchief on, would like to announce the winners of our little beach treasure packets:

Judy
Anya West
Mary D

please email me your postal address to [sablack77 (at sign) hotmail.com] and we'll get these off in the post to you at the beginning of the week. Thank you to all who left a comment (we really love when you leave a comment, we bloggers).

And thank you for all the kind thoughts, hugs, prayers, good vibes and well wishes being sent this way for me and my boy Jake. You have no idea how much it means to us, and a special thanks to Mlou who I know is always just a phone call away.

Hope to have Etsy shop product photos up by tomorrow, and some new photos of les chiens. Smile. Happy weekend to all.

we're up again

Blair Witch - Jake & Susan

Taken last spring while on an early morning walk at the golf course.

He's up again, after being down for 31 hrs, uh huh lying down, basically in the same spot, zonked out, no peeing, no pooping, just resting and sleeping for 31 hrs straight. That can't be good. But this morning, and last evening from 4pm on, he's been up, hungry and fairly normal. We're off at 8am for an early morning appointment with our vet Diane, and I feel quite confident that we'll both be returning home. One last ditch attempt, I guess, to try and call this something else, something concrete and fixable, something that requires a prescription, something to call it other than gradual death. My gut instincts are telling me that there is a very remote chance that this might be something treatable, but mostly I'm thinking we will be lucky to have weeks left and perhaps the time left is much less than that. Hopeful realism. I'm hoping to bring home some pain medication maybe, or some tranquilizer of some sort so that when he does have the, seemingly stressful & painful, initial stages of these episodes (the first hour or so), I can help to make him more comfortable.

I'm sorry that you've been swept up and down this roller coaster ride with me ... but trust me the extremes really have been extreme. The badness when it happens has been very bad, and very scary but thankfully, the good, healthy, up times in between have also been very great. I am so grateful for the overall slowness and gradualness of all of this and for the fact that he's continued to have ups. And I'm grateful for the potential truth to be so gradually and gently taking hold.

I'm off to have a lovely smelly bubble bath, and will write up my detailed report of all Jake's episodes, symptoms, time frames, etc - to try and give the vet as much information as possible. Will update when we return home shortly past lunch. Fingers crossed and prayers are said.

I'm sending artwork off to the printer to pick up today while we're in town. Hope to have my first product (12 Valentines greeting cards and two teeny tiny framed Valentines gouache paintings) in my Etsy shop by Monday.

11:45 am My boy is so fine today he's having a really good day. We're back from the vet and basically she didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know or suspect. The only true way to know anything conclusive would be to do exploratory surgery, she doesn't want to put him through that and I've never had any interest in going that route. She asked if he was having more good days than bad, and yes, I was able to tell her, at this point he is. I guess that'll be the real kicker. When the badness surpasses the good, the kooky, the gimme some of that cat food or I'm just gonna keep on barkin' at ya.

So I'm happy, I'm deliriously happy. Other people would get home and pour themselves a big ol' glass of wine or smoke a cigarette, but me I'm eating a big ol' slab of three layer, white, trans fat cake, with whipped, edible oil product, frosting and filled with strawberry gel (?). A large single serving slab that I picked up at the Sobey's bakery. It tastes like airy, sweet, slightly chemical fluff - but it seems to be doing the trick. It's much too early for an Ativan & ginger.

I will now continue to gather the courage, to wrap my mind around saying good-bye on a good day. On a day when it can just be he and I, on a day when he's feeling fine. We'll drive to town (30-45mins) together, no BFF's, no cavalry, just he and I. I know, my plan keeps changing, but I think it's becoming more refined and more perfect - it is, after all, a very important plan. Maybe we'll stop on the way at Dairy Queen and split a double bacon cheeseburger in the car (my boy loves a cheeseburger) before we go to the vet and we'll say good bye, together. Courage I think. And we have no idea when that day may be ... I'm allowing myself that glimmer of hope, and of chance that if we're lucky, it's not a day real soon.

ps I'm exhausted.

almond eyes

I love you - just a little bit more than life itself

I know it sounds corny, but that's what I've been telling him all these years.

Things are not very good here this morning. After having a fairly long, energetic, full of beans walk with our gang yesterday morning, he collapsed as soon as we got home. He spent the morning on his bed in the living room with his head in my lap and I honestly thought he might die right there & then. This morning he's still too weak to get up although he seems bright and alert. Winnie Dixon's feeling worried, I'm sad and nauseous feeling and the cats ... well of course they're oblivious. Except Bleet, who has always believed Jake was his mother. Bleet is concerned, and wants to lie curled up on Jake (draped over a paw or curled up in that space between his neck and chest) as he does love to do, but he seems to know that Jake's not feeling well. So instead he sits near him and purrs that deep, loud Bleetness purr.

Jake's not going to get better, I realize that. I'm faced with the decision to try and do the right thing. Do I wait until things are really, really bad - desperate ? Or do I nip this in the bud and say goodbye while he has some quality of life left ? I feel somewhat paralyzed by this decision, and it's making me feel sick to my stomach.

It's very dramatic, the change that comes over him. In almost an instant he goes from healthy, hungry, goofy Jake to an incapacitated, sick and distant dog. These spells do seem more frequent and have become more long lasting. Today is our vet's day off but I will call her tomorrow and have a conversation with her, hear her thoughts and ready the wagon. Just in case.

Just my opinion ... but, a few things to not say to someone in my position as I don't need or want truisms

• you gave him such a long & wonderful life - I know that already
• you're so lucky that he has lived to be 13 - I know that too
• you'd be doing the best, most kind thing for him- uh huh, know that too

what I'd much rather hear, what I need and would prefer, what anyone grieving needs, I think ... is validation & comfort

• you must be feeling so terribly sad - I feel like I'm going to die of sadness
• is there anything I can do to help - thank you so much for asking
• do you need a hug - yes please
• he's an amazing dog - he sure is!

9:48 am That last bit sounds bitchy, for me. I think I'm feeling pissed off- I'm not sure what step or stage that is ... I think it's time for an Ativan, time for some blotting.


Bleet & Jake

just

Miss Dixon feeling a bit like chopped liver lately

My sweet Winnie Dixon, feeling worried and a bit left out lately. She's quite insecure as it is, because of early life trauma, and this Jake business has her a little out of sorts.

And me ... well, between crying and praying and hoping. And humming and skipping and thanking. And patting and hugging and breathing in the smell of his neck and adoring. And painting my 4 full colour paintings for customer No. 1, with gouache and fine red sable and tinkling brushes in water, it's been a busy, time flying by, while time stands still, last few days.

I must say it does seem that every minute that I grow older it becomes a little easier for me to truly live in just the moment that I'm in ... and I am very thankful for that, if I've learned any lesson in my life, I think that's a very good one. No matter what kind of moment it is - to just be in it.

CBC radio, my second cup of coffee, Winnie Dixon curled up beside me on the sofa, the cats are all lurking about and stretching while sharpening their claws on the sofa arms, and Jake has just licked the cat food plate clean, pushing it with his tongue, all the way from the kitchen past us into the living room. Smile. I need to get bundled up to go outside and shovel us out, in darkness and quiet and get that wagon warmed up.

feeling fine

Jake & Maggie Sue

There's my boy with his friend and Golden girl, and Miss Dixon's best girlfriend, Maggie Sue - this photo was taken early Sunday morning. I'm afraid by lunch time Sunday, when we'd normally be piling back into the car to meet our friends for our second walk, Jake had begun to show, what are now becoming the tell tale, signs of another spell (three and a half days since the last one). So I called and let Deb & Maggy Sue know that we wouldn't be coming and gradually sure enough Jake fell into one of those I'm convinced that he must be dying episodes. This one lasted a very long time, nearly 24 hrs before he was back up and att-em and barking at the cat food dishes (my new benchmark for a healthy, happy Noodle dog).

I've been keeping a diary of the symptoms, dates and length of each spell. Sunday was the 4th spell and by far the worst in length but not necessarily in severity ??? Yesterday through a steady stream of tears, while my boy lie prone and zonked out in his bed near by, I organized our affairs.

I have been feeling anxious, each time these spells occur and I'm faced with the possibility that the end may be drawing near, that I don't have a plan of what I would do if it suddenly became clear that the time was here. He's a big dog and I cannot lift him by myself, and I honestly am not convinced that I have the emotional strength, either, to deal with what must be done, by myself. Yesterday I called in the cavalry (actually I emailed the cavalry) with a detailed description of plan A & a plan B (just in case). The cavalry being a good friend's husband, a big, burly man who can handle anything, and who drives a big, red pick up truck with a cab on the back and tires that will make it through most any weather. He emailed me back - I promise. More tears, this time of relief and gratitude. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I can now put those worries and concerns on my back burner.

And for today, and for right now, in this moment (while humming under my breath, and with a skip to my step)... outside there's a fresh new perfect blanket of snow, I just hung up the phone from a lovely long chat with a good friend who was up early and still on Bangkok time (she's just returned home from a month long visit in the southern hemisphere), we're just about to get bundled up for our early morning walk ... and my boy is feeling fine.

treasures for you

a little bundle of sea treasures from Nova Scotia

I love the idea of paying it forward or offering up a gift to a few of you who've been hanging out for awhile here with us at 29 Black Street. A way to say thanks !

Even though the act of blogging is ultimately a personal activity for me, I've realized that I do also enjoy the company, I love the sense of community and I do love it (as I'm sure all bloggers do) when someone leaves a comment. This blog has become incredibly important to me, and for so many reasons. It's been a wonderful creative outlet and its helped to inspire me, as I plan the growth of my little design & illustration company Susan Black Design. It's become a fantastic visual documentation & diary of my day to day life in this little seaside village, and it's been a place for me to introduce you to my family of 2 dogs Jake & Winnie Dixon and 4 cats Lulu, Bleet, Gus & Oliver, and I feel now, that you've gotten to know them as well - which is very comforting (especially lately with my boy's weird episodic badness).

I've seen this idea on many other blogs and I've since been scheming and pondering what would I offer up as a sweet little gift, for my first give away? Of course most of the bloggers that I peruse are giving away some lovely little item that they've made themselves, and that idea is certainly in the future for me as well, as I did take the handmade pledge, and I hope to have my own Etsy shop, 29 Black Street, up & running by the end of this month. I would love to make this give away post a fairly regular occurrence here at 29 Black Street.

So here's the deal, between today Jan 14 and Friday Jan 18 all you have to do is leave a comment, say hello, on this post. Saturday I'll put all the names in a bowl and see if I can't convince Miss Dixon to draw for 3 winners of these little miniature packages of beach treasure. The beginning of next week I'll bundle these packages up and we'll mail them out to you, wherever you may be, by Canada Post.

Each package will contain a tiny natural envelope with a printed 29 Black Street label. Inside a miniature parcel, wrapped in white tissue and tied with sea blue floss, will contain 20 small polished pieces of sea glass in assorted colours, 7 tiny orange or striped periwinkle shells and 1 smoothed shard of patterned china or crockery and you can be sure that each and every piece was lovingly & carefully collected, by me and les chiens, on our daily walks on the beach.

thaw

pink carnations

Sunday morning - and today is the 4th day. The 4th day since Thursday morning (early) which is when my boy Jake had his last gastro badness attack. He's been increasingly fantastic since then, way back to his normal silly self. Plenty of begging of treats and of food of any kind, on our walks he's been full of energy & vigor, everything seems back to normal again. He's lying here on the floor near me, snoring softly.

Bleet is picking at my pajama bottoms, with his little claws as I type which means that I must get up and follow him, and he will surely show me what he wants. He just came in from his early morning go out the front door, circle the house and come back in with the dog's through their door early morning ritual - so I don't think that he wants out, maybe he needs the dish of crunchy cat food topped up ? Lulu and Winnie are both curled up here on the sofa with me and the kittens Gussie & Oliver are getting geared up for their morning high speed, squealing, skittle action, up and down the stairs as fast as they can go, pinging off arm chairs and basically burning off some of that early morning kitten steam.

Yesterday afternoon, we walked in sunshine and incredibly warm temperatures, with friends Deb & Maggy Sue and it felt so much like spring. Back along the beach, which has once again been revealed, gone and melted is the huge layer of ice that had covered it. Up the red clay cliff (which is now red clay muck), trying to step only on grassy bits so that we don't slip and fall, up to the lighthouse and back down the cottage lane to the car. The ground is very mucky, wet and smells only of melting & thaw.

Life is good at 29 Black St. this second Sunday in January, life is very good.

heart's desire

two colour palettes of a botanical patterned pitcher

Saturday, again already, it's mild and wet this morning. Jake's feeling good, it seems 4 days will be the new test of time. Can he go 4 days or more without having one of his terrible spells. Fingers crossed, talked with God, we'll wait & see and hope.

I had a meeting yesterday with a person from our regional Business Development Association - I'm applying for a small business loan to purchase Adobe Creative Suite 3 (software) and a new Apple imac, a beaut with a 24" (gasp!) screen. My current laptop has begun to show signs of age and I keep expecting it to suddenly go poof ! and for smoke to pour out of the mike jack.
For my mother board to blow or something else just as horrific. And as far as software goes, (sshhhhhh), all these years, all nearly seven of them, let's just say I have not legitimately owned the programs that make my life possible as a designer. When I bought this second hand computer (in the fall of 2004) it was all ready loaded up with the software that I use on a daily basis. I plan to grow my business, in 2008, in leaps and bounds and I want a beautiful studio, a well stocked reference library and supply cabinet, and the equipment and tools to accomplish anything that my little heart desires ... and it is desiring SO much!

Goals for 2008

• get my little Etsy shop up and running - will sell greeting cards and art prints
• finally submit (and be chosen) my greeting card designs to Great Arrow
• begin dabbling in block printing - very exciting
• continue to impress and WOW the pants of new big fish customer - Enesco
• submit concept boards to Demdaco for their bi-annual call for product concepts

I feel excited, invigorated and once again ... invincible. I love what I do, and it's so amazing to make your living from something that never really seems like work. I attribute much of this renewed creative spirit to the many, many stimulating and inspiring blogs that I visit each day. It's hard to believe just how many amazing women are out there in the world, also making a living, doing something that they love, from a room in their home.

spells & gnats

more illustration inspiration, a fold out map calender for 2008

purchased from little otsu yesterday and map calender illustrated by Lart C. Berliner I love maps, and I love wonky, whimsical illustrations and this was a steal at 11.00 US (I bought two so I could pin up or frame both the front and the back).

I slept in by a whole hour this morning, practically unheard of, and when my eyes finally opened and I glanced at the clock it was 5:30. Thankfully I had forgotten to set my coffee maker's timer which normally comes on at 4:45 (I know, it's crazy)- so no stale old coffee. yuck! We were up at 1:00am, 'cause the boy had to go outside to take care of some business (very normal), and Miss Dixon decided that she needed to accompany him. By the time they both returned from their middle of the night scoot around their large fenced in yard I was very wide awake. Back to bed, into the flannel and down nest, to lie there and chase away the frets and worries, which soon began circling the bed.

It's the first time in ages that I've been SO wide awake in the middle of the night - and I'm a bit out of practice at dealing with my demons of the darkness. Why is it that everything can seem so much worse when you're lying awake in the wee hours of the morning. It is about retraining your mind, it sounds so simple, but worrying is really just a bad habit. You have to not allow those thoughts to get a hold, let them flit around like gnats, if they like, but shew them away if they try to alight. And like everything, practice makes perfect.

Winnie soon came up on the bed and snuggled in, big fat Bleetness was curled up at my feet and then sweet Oliver, the softest cat ever, curled up on my chest and began to purr. I let my mind go blank and focused only on the softness of Ver's fur and the sound of his sweet purrs. Pet love meditation - it's the best. I slept so soundly I woke up an hour late and from the midst of one of those great, crazy movie dreams with an incredible cast and amazing sets.

The boy, Jake had another spell earlier yesterday morning (at 4:30am) nearly 12 hours after eating anything (?). And these spells are awful and they completely put him out of commission for hours. He's not hungry at all (that's always a shock - when my boy's not hungry) and he just wants to lie in one place until this badness passes. That was the fourth spell, with anywhere from 4 days to a week in between and in between, no symptoms at all and back really to his normal self. This is all terribly perplexing. I have googled and searched and read and studied and I cannot come up with anything, especially anything grave and big and bad (with thanks!), because with all of those really serious ailments and diseases the symptoms should not retreat ... phew! (I think, I hope, I pray). My best guess, although I have found no absolute, sure documentation to back this up, is that his (mildly) immune suppressed system (low dose Prednisone for a time), specifically his digestive system, has been totally messed up by November's bad viral or bacterial I ate some dead thing or some poop episode- garbagitis (yup there is an official term for it and Retrievers are particularly prone). And my boy, he loves to eat the crap, he can smell some crap a mile away.

sweet cheeks

the other dog - Noodlette, or Miss Winnie Dixon

A photo of my sweet Winn with her scruffy frosted snout. She's been feeling a little left out lately with so much concern and attention being paid to her brother, her best buddy, Jake.

Yesterday felt like spring, it was mild, mucky and wet. The air even smelled of spring and already I can notice that the days are getting longer. Our snow is nearly gone and this lovely stretch of mild weather has suited me just fine. Another spike on Saturday with a forecast of +10C, wow, if the Noodle's feeling up to it we'll be back at the golf course this weekend with our friends Deb & Maggie Sue (another golden girl). Lots of sniffing and roaming and the chasing of squirrels.


the view from the top of the snow covered golf course

yogurt, sardines & pineapple please

another from the illustration archives of SBD

It's +10 already this morning, and wind and even some rain in the forecast. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Means more melting snow and perhaps we can soon get back to our walks through pastures or at the golf course. The snow still too deep for dog legs.

Well we're up, we're down, we're fine, we're not so fine. Yesterday Jake went from feeling pretty good, to I think he must be surely dying, and then back to feeling really good again. I'm exhausted from trying to figure it out, from begging & pleading, with God or whoever, to let him please be healthy, to let him live a few more years. Each time I see him SO sick, in such discomfort, SO not himself - his kooky, crazy, hungry-all-the-time Noodle self, I get a little bit closer to a kind of peace with it all. Because I cannot bear to see him suffer like that. Our vet and I had a telephone conversation yesterday about the likelihood of it being pancreatitis - and she thinks not. Apparently when a dog is suffering from that, they're just sick, really sick, and they don't have these rebounds of normal, energetic, healthy self again. He slept well last night and I in my own bed, tucked in with a Bill Bryson book*, and yes he has been up already barking at the cat food dishes. Big Smile. We're still watching what we eat and I'm feeding him smaller portions, and more often, of healthy foods that he loves. Yogurt & sardines, lean hamburger, rice & squash. Cauliflower, broccoli and fresh pineapple please. Smile.

I have a challenging full colour paintings x 4 project on the go this week. So nice to work in colour for a change again as most of what I do is just black & white technical drawings. Would love to have these 4 paintings wrapped up by the end of the weekend and a healthy happy Noodle would help so much in reaching that goal. Fingers crossed & prayers said.

* I'm re-reading Bill Bryson's Neither Here Nor There - he decides in middle age to re-trace his footprints and re-do the European backpacking trip of his youth. It's laugh out loud funny. Just what I needed and thanks to Joni for reminding me about Bill in an email.


treated myself to this book

ordered & shipped yesterday from Chapters/Indigo, it's been on my wish list for awhile now. A book of hand drawn and found typography by graphic designer Michael Perry

double chocolate

double chocolate crunch cereal ? and triple chocolate chunk cookies

or things you buy when you're skipping down the aisles of the Superstore singing to yourself at the top of your lungs - hey Noodle you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Noodle ... hey Noodle. Foods that seemed appealing after spending the previous 24 hrs with a big ol' knot in my stomach and a catch in my throat - comfort food I guess. I must say also, in my defense, I was quite captivated by the beauty of the Double Chocolate Crunch Cereal box - for a cereal box you gotta admit it's pretty spectacular. Helvetica at it's finest (actually I've been corrected, it's Avant Garde - the perfectly round O's should have been a dead give away to me as they were, clearly, for Miss Patti - now I'm wondering about the differences between Futura and Avant Garde ?). But hey, don't you love it when everyday things come in beautiful, well designed packages.

I spent a good part of last evening googling abdominal discomfort dog - and kept coming up with pancreatitis, over and over again. I'm not sure why it didn't come up yesterday, at the vets, as a possibility, but after thoroughly researching the disorder myself I've decided to treat Jake as if he may have pancreatitis. Possible causes of this disorder include Hypothyroidism (check), Corticosteroids (Prednisone) medications (check) he frequently has been on a very low dose of Prednisone to combat his extreme itchiness & allergies, Bacterial & Viral infections - let's not forget the infamous poop fest of November in which we decided that his terrible bout of diarrhea was likely caused by eating some dead thing, or some bad poop (possible check), and High Fat Foods (sheepish check).

I'll confess, right here and now, that as soon as we left the vet yesterday, I parked the car at Walmart and skipped & danced my way into the store, to pick up a new retractable lead for Miss Dixon and I made a stop at the golden arches, uh huh, MacDonalds. A sausage egg McMuffin pour moi (a secret guilty pleasure of mine), and a sausage McMuffin for the boy. Well, he hadn't had his breakfast and he is 13 - you think to yourself how much could it hurt to feed him crap, at his age ? and he loved every bite (all 22 gms of fat). 4 hours later he was having one of those episodes. Related ? Who knows, but it's certainly worth a try to treat him as if he does have pancreatitis.

This morning as I drink my coffee and ponder yesterday, I'm remembering and reviewing my lengthy conversations with God, there was much wheeling & dealing prior to our appointment and then lots of praising & thanking aprés the vet. I'm remembering that I did cut a deal with God, or was it the devil, that if Jake could please be healthy, then I would promise to quit, finally, eating all crap, junk & comfort food and walk the straight and narrow nutrition path that I do long to walk. To finally lose those pounds, that sit on each years list of resolutions, finally and for good.

So ... now when the boy is pleading with me to share some of my loot with him, as I sit watching TV curled up on the sofa, I will no longer share a potato chip or 2 or 3 with him (head hung in shame) but I will share cauliflower chunks or pineapple tidbits (two foods thankfully, we both love). We'll do this together, Jake & I, we'll both begin our low fat, no crap regime today.

Love him.

with bated breath

kitten TV

This was one of my better ideas - constant entertainment for my two inside cats Gussie & Oliver They lie here on this pillow topped table pushed up against a window and chatter and stare with big saucer cat eyes and make sudden leaps at the window. It's a scream to watch and they're entertained for hours on end. Even my old gal Lulu occasionally hangs out here. I've built a platform outside the window, where I can scatter seeds or fruit, so the birds are sometimes only inches away, and totally oblivious, to kittens Gus & Oliver (they are a year and a half old but will remain kittens in this house until someone younger comes along - that's how it goes). Those kittens are squealing around, up and down the stairs, doing their high speed kitten thing, as I sit here typing - they're so funny. If you're thinking of getting a kitten get two instead - I guarantee that you won't regret it.

The Noodle (Jake) and I are off to the vet this morning early so this post will be brief as I'll update later this morning, when we get home. A big fear I have, is that they'll suggest exploratory surgery, say on his throat. I'm not sure if it's my paranoid imagination or if it's real but his throat seems swollen, his glands perhaps ? and he does, and has had for sometime- since the summer, a much hoarser bark. He's been so fit, energetic and hungry I didn't pay much attention to the new bark and just would tease him and say that's your new old dog bark when he'd be demanding that the plate of leftover cat food magically levitate off the cats feeding table and float over and down to the floor in front of him. Which he's done already this morning (check). The first on my check list of how is he feeling today, the second of which is, when we first get out of the car when we arrive at our walking destination, does he have a few bites of snow and then flop himself down with a thud, roll over, feet in the air and rub and roll happily in the snow - making a big old doggy snow angel. Sigh.

Where was I ? Oh yeah, no suggestions of exploratory surgery please ? I've heard too many very sad stories of them finding really bad things when they peer inside and then asking you to make the decision of - do you wake them up from surgery or do you say goodbye then & there. I could not handle that. Actually I can't handle any of it or at least that's how it feels. It feels like when that time comes I will surely die of a breaking heart.

But why am I going there, to that place - because I'm frightened

things are fine, things will be fine, he's fine.

Oh, he is so fine. Smile.

1:30 update. Well we're back and I guess it's great news combined with more worry & concern. He had a fantastic appointment with our regular (his whole life) vet, who we love. All was good, good vitals, good prognosis, she was not concerned about his throat swelling as it was general and not specific swelling, he's gained 4lbs since December's poop fest - which is really good. Ongoing gradual weight loss at his age could be the sign of something big & bad. In December he weighed 73, his lowest weight since he was a very young dog ... but his weight is up. I shopped, skipping down aisles wanting to sing, or to grab people by the shoulders and say, my dog's OK, my dog's OK.

We received dancing kisses, and many of them, from Miss Dixon who I'm sure spent the entire time we were gone, on my bed fretting & worrying (she takes after her mother). I unloaded the groceries and then piled those sweeties in the car and off we went for our walk. By the end of our hour long stroll, up and down the country road, I did notice that Jake was slowing down, and he was beginning to show the signs of another one of those abdominal attacks, and by the time we got home you could tell he was in a lot of discomfort and just wanted to get in the house and lie down ... which he's doing now.

Our vet said to treat him like you'd treat a colicky baby when these episodes occur, rub his belly and comfort him and give him lots of TLC. She said that these attacks could be caused by a number of things - from simple digestive problems through to the beginning signs of intestinal cancer although she felt that he was very healthy (and you can be sure I asked every point blank question that I could muster) and assured me that she did not think we were at the beginning of the end .... so, Mama's gonna try and go with that.

no sad songs please

favourite children's book character's Ant & Bee & Dog

From a famous series of childrens' s books written and illustrated by Angela Banner which have become rare and a bit of a collectors item now it seems.

We all slept upstairs last night, and me in my own bed. The boy's doing great this morning, and yesterday afternoon was back to his high energy, drivin' me crazy (restless, bored & constantly underfoot- which let me tell ya is totally fine by me), kooky self once again. We do have an appointment at the vet tomorrow morning and I think I'll wait until early tomorrow before deciding if we'll keep it, although I think we probably will. Just a check up and I'll make a quick stop at the Atlantic Superstore for a big grocery shop. Must make a list today.

Began the infamous cleaning out of laundry room, supply cabinet, tools & equipment area yesterday and I must say when I do finally begin a project (that seems to be way more than half the battle with me - the beginning of something) I do a bang up, thorough job of it. I will finish up this morning while listening to a favourite CBC radio program (Canada's version of public broadcasting, NPR in the US and ABC in Australia) Sunday Edition with Michael Enright Then les chiens and I will go out for walk a deux with Deb and Maggy Sue in balmy +5 degree temperatures. Big Smile. You know that Sunday's are my favourite days.

Currently reading this book The World without Us
by Alan Weisman. Something you maybe didn't know about me - I'm a bit of a science geek and I love non fiction science, nature, & adventure books and tend to cruise through them while great fiction lies in piles, waiting patiently, by my bedside.

This is a very well researched surmise of what would happen to planet earth in stages and steps over time if we, terrible human tenants that we are and have been, were wiped out suddenly, say by Ebola or some other such thing. The reviews talk about it being an optimistic book and I guess, in that Mother Earth, most definitely will survive and carry on, it is that. But it's also shocking to read chapter after chapter of the damage that we've already done - and often damage that won't be reversed for untold years - like the chapter on plastic. Sickening. That said it is a fascinating book and I am glad to be reading it.

hero

Jake

Another photo that I love, reminds me of a painting or an illustration. Jake's still feeling a little under the weather this morning - just not quite his exuberant self although he did eat the cat food (and eating is always a very good sign), he did not bark boisterously for me to put the plates down on the floor for him (our normal early morning drill). I slept last night on a twin mattress on the living room floor in front of the fire, beside him, all night. The cats (all 4 of them) nearly drove us nuts, obviously they were not keen on this new sleeping arrangement, although sometime through the night Oliver did settle down and draped himself over me to sleep, as he is want to do. Winnie Dixon curled up on the tiny mattress with me and Jake slept soundly all night and did not seem in any discomfort.

So ... who knows. I think we'll make an appointment at our regular vet for Monday and I'm sure that there's a very good chance that I may hear something from our vet, that I don't want to hear, I mean he is 13 (that's quite senior for a golden retriever). I've thought about this a lot, and you know, I don't think it's really denial I'm in, it's really just a sad place, and an ever hopeful place. No one really knows your dog like you do, only I really know how incredibly healthy he is most of the time and I know it's possible that what ever is going on with him is not necessarily some big, bad, grave thing but could also be some chronic senior dog thing. I'm not prepared to go all doom and gloom because of two (a week apart) episodes of sickness. Not when the rest of the time he's bucking & galloping, rolling & jumping and being his normal crazy self. I do know from recent past experiences that I would never allow him to suffer ... but I am also not someone who, at the first sign of decline, would be ready to say goodbye.

It's such a very fine and shitty line, that line, that lies between realism and optimism.


mid rub & roll in lovely green grass - my goof, my Noodle, my hero


fantastic 7:26 am

andre jordon - right on Andre

he's so fine

yep! it's that Noodle dog - Jake ready for wranglin'

Back when he was just a young boy, aside from his first love - retrieving (only from water) he discovered that he also had a passion for cows, and the wrangling or herding of them. Occasionally we would find ourselves walking, off leash, near a pasture and off my boy would go while we gave chase humming the theme from Bonanza all the way. Farmers around here don't take kindly to dogs running with their herds. This illustration is from a series of sketches done years ago for a potential line of stuffed toys, all dogs. Miss Winnie Dixon had a sketch as well and another of a friend's miniature dachshund Francesca (or Frankie). That job never did materialize, but I thought I'd post this illustration from the archives of SBD (Susan Black Design). A goal for 2008 is to include more of my work on this blog and to create many, many new illustrations.

Those of you out there that have been reading lately know that the boy, my boy, Jake has had some health issues of late and I thought you might like a little update. He's so fine! He's back to his normal self. I'm really mostly amazed at him. He behaves and has the trim muscular body like/of a much, much younger dog. Thank goodness! I keep reminding him that in 5 short months we'll be back on the beach and fetching sticks in deep water season (his reason d'etre) will begin all over again. Oh yeh, and chopped liver, I mean Winnie Dixon, would like you to know that she's fine too (just in case you were wondering), she's curled up here beside me on the sofa, curled into a little ball of wiry black fur, with her little black & white kerchief on and looking too sweet for words.

It's bitter, bitter cold here this morning - but all plus temps next week and climbing to +9 Wed. (dancing around my living room). A week of very mild temps should melt some of the depth of snow and we can get back to our great walks through pastures and at the golf course. It's way too deep at the moment and we've been walking up and down a quiet dead end country road - on leashes, it's OK, certainly better than no walks at all, but we look forward to getting back to our regular hikes.

1:15 update - just to qualify I did mean the he's so fine ... he blows my mind ... kind of fine. You know fine in that complete, all encompassing way. And speaking of fine, he (Jake) is in the midst of one of those, last Thursday night, dreadful spells. We've just come back from a brief trip down to our spot for a quick walk with Carol. It's still really cold and overcast and the sun's not warming things up - so we had a very quick walk and then stopped to do a few errands, grocery store, post-office, bank ... etc and each time I got back into the car I did think to myself Geeeezz! stinking farts in here. My sweet Noodle is presently lying on the kitchen floor in the throws of what seems to be a really bad case of gas or indigestion, complete with the occasional really stinky fart. I'm just going to let him be ... it's very weird, it's been hours since he had anything substantial to eat ??

dig out

how beautiful is she? a little print bought yesterday on Etsy

I've featured her blog Marmee Craft in my blog of the week awhile back. I love her blog and love all her things! please check out her little Etsy shop .

A perfect inspirational & beautiful visual for today Jan 03 - an otherwise tres bleak day. Not only do we have a Ton O' Snow but it's -17C and with the wind chill it feels like -27. Very sad face. However there is a bright spot, there always is a bright spot, it's just sometimes you really have to search for it. After today the temperatures will begin to climb, 0 by Sunday and a balmy +7C (yahoo!) by early next week. My wish is that those lovely warm temps be combined with high winds = melting drifts.

5:42 second cup of coffee, the fire's started and cracklin' and I have to get going and see if I can't dig out. It's a big job this morning and I can't count on the snow plough fairies, although I'm sure they're out there, flitting about, scoopin' and blowin', with their big tractors and helping out where they can. I like shoveling in the dark, I like to pause and take my break and look up into the sky, which is so often clear and bright, after a storm, and filled with twinkling stars.

7:26 am - brrrrrrrr it's cold out there ... it's funny how shoveling out always seems to be easier then first anticipated. I'm done the driveway and walkway to les chiens mobile, also the path to the bird feeders, a little later I'll go out and shovel a path or two for Jake & Winnie Dixon in their yard and finish with the walkway to the street.

some things that have made me smile this morning ...

- mittens and fleece headbands warmed on radiators
- PC brand 3 ply tissue with lotion (try it once and you'll be hooked)
- a flesh coloured pot of Blistex regular lip balm
- the stillness & quiet of standing out on Black Street at 6:00am
- my eternal optimism (I'm not sure where it comes from - but I'm sure glad it's there)
- the welcome I received from dogs Jake & Winnie upon coming in from an hour of shoveling. Oh the kisses!
- poached eggs on toast
- CBC radio 1

resolution ramblings

the cover of my new 2008 wall calender *

5 am - we're all tucked in and cozy in the living room, my laptop has been downstairs for a week now as I slowly, gradually move everything out of my office so I can paint the trim, the floors, and the inside of the closet. In a bold new approach to accomplishing the billion things on my ever growing list of things to do - and things that must be done, I'm attempting to have a much more realistic expectation of the by-when/date to finish things and my office is/will be my first experiment with this new way of being- I'm giving myself the entire month of January to finish it.

Resolution No. 1/48 - attempt to be more realistic in your expectations of life & self (and this one should cover a lot O' ground for me). I do have a tendency to live with my head in the clouds, believing with many things, that if I think about them long enough and plan every minute detail that the work required will just magically happen and I'll spend my time dreaming and planning. Planning & dreaming. I read this great formula somewhere and it is SO true Action = Motivation = More Action and I guess that would be Resolution No. 2/48 - just begin.

Thankfully my design work and business doesn't seem to suffer from the same procrastination affliction that plagues the rest of my life. I've learned, especially in the beginning days of life as a self employed designer, that if you sit and think and wait for that brilliant idea to hit you ... you may be sitting for a very long time. I now turn the little voice in my head off, pick up my beloved red mechanical pencil and with a fresh clean sheet of tracing paper - I just begin. And to this day I am amazed at what often will appear on that piece of paper.

It's been lovely to begin each morning here on the sofa, Jake and Winnie Dixon curled up nearby, a fire on and CBC radio keeping us company. The business report is just finishing up and it's time for the 6am national news - it's snowing, another winter storm advisory in effect and we're not going anywhere this morning. Think I'll go pour my bath.

* wall calender from the beautiful Cavallini line of products

snow, snow & more snow

my snow dog Jake

Happy New Year. I'm up 30 minutes early this morning. I was lying tucked in my flannel nest with Lulu & Oliver curled up beside me, awake and I decided that if the clock said 3:30, well then I'd try and go back to sleep - but if the clock said 4:30, then I could get up ... I love getting up in the morning and this morning there's a lot of shoveling to do if we're going to get that wagon out on the road for our quick drive down to the dead end road and out onto the point to meet our friends for our morning walk. These days we're forced to walk, with leashes, on the road because the snow is far too deep for dog legs, especially senior dog legs ...

It snowed all day yesterday and it seems that we did receive the predicted 25-30 cms. I just (hopefully) checked the weather network website (secretly hoping for rain in the forecast to melt away some of the depth of this snow) and shockingly discovered that we're supposed to get another 25 cms of snow tonight. That's way too much snow. However the 14 day trend says a few days of seasonal temperatures and then finally a mild spell (yeah!) with rain and the temperatures climbing far above normal. Smile.


les chiens in their big fenced in dog yard

It's funny how the dogs make the exact same paths through the snow every year. I love that. After I get the driveway shoveled and the two walkways, one to the car and one to the street I'll bundle up les chiens and we'll all go out into their yard. They love that, when I come out into their world with them. They'll eat some snow, and push their snouts along through the soft light flakes and then flop down and roll over on their backs in the softness, paws kicking the air, to make big doggy snow angels. They don't seem to mind the snow.


yesterday afternoon view from my upstairs bathroom window through the Virginia Creeper vine


aprés shoveling - the view from my front porch 7:00am

The snow ploughing fairy's are out in full force, roaming the streets of this village and one of them (Roger) happened by my place while I was out shoveling and he scooped and blew (a snow blower attachment on his John Deer tractor) that awful heavy big hump, the worst part, that the snowplough leaves at the end of the driveway. Thank you snow plough fairy. Sigh ... smile.