spells & gnats

Friday, January 11, 2008

more illustration inspiration, a fold out map calender for 2008

purchased from little otsu yesterday and map calender illustrated by Lart C. Berliner I love maps, and I love wonky, whimsical illustrations and this was a steal at 11.00 US (I bought two so I could pin up or frame both the front and the back).

I slept in by a whole hour this morning, practically unheard of, and when my eyes finally opened and I glanced at the clock it was 5:30. Thankfully I had forgotten to set my coffee maker's timer which normally comes on at 4:45 (I know, it's crazy)- so no stale old coffee. yuck! We were up at 1:00am, 'cause the boy had to go outside to take care of some business (very normal), and Miss Dixon decided that she needed to accompany him. By the time they both returned from their middle of the night scoot around their large fenced in yard I was very wide awake. Back to bed, into the flannel and down nest, to lie there and chase away the frets and worries, which soon began circling the bed.

It's the first time in ages that I've been SO wide awake in the middle of the night - and I'm a bit out of practice at dealing with my demons of the darkness. Why is it that everything can seem so much worse when you're lying awake in the wee hours of the morning. It is about retraining your mind, it sounds so simple, but worrying is really just a bad habit. You have to not allow those thoughts to get a hold, let them flit around like gnats, if they like, but shew them away if they try to alight. And like everything, practice makes perfect.

Winnie soon came up on the bed and snuggled in, big fat Bleetness was curled up at my feet and then sweet Oliver, the softest cat ever, curled up on my chest and began to purr. I let my mind go blank and focused only on the softness of Ver's fur and the sound of his sweet purrs. Pet love meditation - it's the best. I slept so soundly I woke up an hour late and from the midst of one of those great, crazy movie dreams with an incredible cast and amazing sets.

The boy, Jake had another spell earlier yesterday morning (at 4:30am) nearly 12 hours after eating anything (?). And these spells are awful and they completely put him out of commission for hours. He's not hungry at all (that's always a shock - when my boy's not hungry) and he just wants to lie in one place until this badness passes. That was the fourth spell, with anywhere from 4 days to a week in between and in between, no symptoms at all and back really to his normal self. This is all terribly perplexing. I have googled and searched and read and studied and I cannot come up with anything, especially anything grave and big and bad (with thanks!), because with all of those really serious ailments and diseases the symptoms should not retreat ... phew! (I think, I hope, I pray). My best guess, although I have found no absolute, sure documentation to back this up, is that his (mildly) immune suppressed system (low dose Prednisone for a time), specifically his digestive system, has been totally messed up by November's bad viral or bacterial I ate some dead thing or some poop episode- garbagitis (yup there is an official term for it and Retrievers are particularly prone). And my boy, he loves to eat the crap, he can smell some crap a mile away.


  1. I can commiserate with the night frets. I have not even learned how to keep them at bay. Sure wish I was clever enough to figure out a way........
    One second I am talking myself out of thinking about some guilt inducing long past action or some stupid thing I did...and then at warp speed...I am on to the next horrible thing. Worrying about some imagined doom for a friend or relative, seeing a horrific car crash in my brain; a comatose body lying with tubes protruding from every orifice... administering morphine to my poor Mom and making a mistake where to inject even if the medi-port was in place... ridiculous things that didn't happen or won't happen. .... and.... then ever onwards to the next and the next..at such excruciating speed that my body begins to thrash around the bed at about the same speed trying to escape the thoughts. I am one who thinks it is better to stay horizontal though..so don't want to get up .. as I feel I will be even more wide awake than I already am ...yeah...right..as if that's possible by then! Greg says I should get up and bake...I would if I didn't worry about keeping him awake. He has to get up at 5. I could try reading or doll or bear making but my poor eyes are usually the only tired part of my body... by midnight they don't want to open anymore even if no other part of me is showing any sign of slowing down. It seems if my eyes would stay open or not be blurry...I could work two whole shifts before I am physically and mentally able to sleep. (makes me feel like I am 21 and back in the stupid plywood plant pulling a second shift to make a few extra bucks!!)
    I wish my foot and back were totally better so that I could get back to vigorous physical exercise .. that might help. I can only remember 2 times in my entire life that I fell onto a bed and actually went to sleep within minutes. One was after an 800 mile day on the back of a motorcycle. We had had only 1 hour of sleep the previous night because we slept under the stars in very cold mountainous campsite ... I couldn't get my sleeping bag any closer to the fire without risking major flames...
    My doctor still thinks it is not a good idea to prescribe sleeping pills... I have tried Valerian and other natural remedies to no avail. At this stage in my life who cares if I become addicted? All I want is about 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.... 4 or 5 hours would be absolute heaven. Oh, to just sleep without wild, technicolour dreams ...or hours on end of frustratingly flitting from one catastrophic event to another in my strange and tangled mind.
    For me, when I had cats...it didn't help... I couldn't sleep at all with them on the bed either.......it has to be quiet, dark and still.... or I am wide, wide awake.
    I am sure part of it stems from living in a violent situation as kids.. always having to be ready for the worst (fight or flight).. and, being eldest, protecting younger sibs too I suppose...'cause they could sleep through anything... but, now that I am ancient, and safe, and none of that exists... why can't I just turf it all?

  2. that's sounds terrible Vee - true insomnia, and very unlike my mild forays into fretting & worrying. I can't imagine. Not much wonder you stay up so late, or should I say early (in the am). I think Greg is right though, everything I've ever heard says you should get up and do something else, lest you begin to associate your dear old bed with pure, awful sleeplessness and all those negative emotions that go along with it.


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