rhymes with suck

cowboy

I wanted to call today's post F&ck I try not to use that word too often, but to save it for when there just doesn't seem to be a word more appropriate. Damn, is too proper sounding and has no real clout and Shit is also far too insignificant for this particular situation. I just really want to walk around my house, pacing and saying F&ck ! and occasionally stopping myself, sitting down in front of the fire, breathing deeply a few times and asking God to Please help me to know what to do - because I feel desperate, confused, panicked, angry and very sad.

My boy's still down, lying down that is. At noon today it will be 48hrs. That's a very long time. He did make several wobbly attempts to get up yesterday, but really couldn't get any distance before collapsing again. We did manage to get outside once, where he had a long, long (must have felt like one of those drank too many beers) pees. He has been drinking lots of water. I had to drag him back into the house, holding him under his arm pits with his back legs dragging behind him, up a step and into the sun porch, very undignified and very stressful for me. Winnie Dixon somehow interpreted this as some new game we must be playing (sigh) and she stood in the sun porch in front of us, paws down on the floor, bum in the air, tail wagging furiously. Now before any one begins thinking Good God Girl, say goodbye, euthanize that poor dog, please continue on ...

The thing is - he's bright and alert, he doesn't seem to be in any real discomfort or distress. He's drinking water and still has an appetite, he's wagging his tail when I sing noodle, noodle, noodle, no I'm not a poodle to him. His tongue and gums remain pink and healthy looking and believe me I've been curling his lips back to check, way too often. He had a big perfect poop yesterday (colour shape etc ...). His pee was not fluorescent orange or funny smelling, and trust me, I've become quite an expert at examining emissions of all varieties and, and, here's the kicker, thus far in this sad saga, he has eventually just risen again, up out of these terrible bouts, seemingly as good as new. Dusted himself off and barked at the cat food dishes. What's to say that's not gonna happen again, at any minute now. F&ck ... can you see my point.

Jut last Thursday at 4pm he came out of a 31 hr episode just like this, honestly right back to normal. We had a vet appointment the next morning at 9am and at the vet's he was Noodle, he was Mr. Howdy Doody my name's Jake. Curious and active - bordering on being a pest and no one there could believe that he'd been sick.

So F&ck, F&ck, F&ck is what I have to say today. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'd like to disappear, stow away on a ship, except the harbour's filled with ice, I'm stuck in the anger phase and I don't seem to see a way out. And I also do know, in a little place in my heart, that the end is likely much nearer than not. I'm in denial and yet I've come to terms.

* I do apologize to any who find that word offensive and I hope that the beautiful ampersand has softens it's sting