great blue heron
Tears are words the heart can't express.
Unknown
My heart sure has a lot to say.
I am struggling again. This time last week, in the midst of my most recent big photo frame project, I honestly thought that Ache & Sadness had packed up and left for good - gone on some extended holiday. I can remember thinking to myself isn't that strange one minute they were here beside me and the next they were just gone, poof ... and it really felt, for several days, that maybe they were gone for good this time. Even though I can't imagine they'd ever be gone for good ... they've been living here with me an awfully long time.
MLou suggested I was just distracted. An explanation that surprised me and made good sense but one that had not occurred to me. I wondered then is constant distraction my ultimate goal ? I don't think so.
I'm weary, weary from missing & longing, from worrying & fretting about old house maintenance and bill paying, from pretending that everything is OK and that I don't have a big hole in my heart, I'm weary from feeling lonely. And all this weariness has weakened my spirit and when my spirit is weak ... Ache & Sadness become stuck to me. Tears spill out at inappropriate times.
Yesterday I had a routine Dr's appointment and errands to run and everywhere I went I found myself wanting to say to them, to anyone, through tear filled eyes. I've lost my best friend. Where could he be ?
It used to be when the grind of this solitary life and all the responsibilities that come with it made me weary. I'd coax that big red lug up on the bed with me, I'd wrap Jake's big paws around me and I'd bury my face in his neck and I'd feel absolutely safe & sound. He was my comfort and he was my joy. Always.
Oh my dear girl. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Imagine we are there chatting over cups of tea, Winnie at our feet (though if I were there she would probably be hiding in another room) and we're trying to figure out some things about life and how to not feel so weary and sad and alone. And maybe we don't actually figure anything out but we drink a lot of tea and eat some scones and feel much better for having one another to talk to. We exchange a warm hug before I leave and I leave you with a tiny suggestion before I go...if being distracted helped a little, get distracted again. Paint Jake. Paint him in every sweet guise he ever displayed. Paint a whole gallery of Jakes.Smiling,dripping, fetching, cuddling, running, splashing. If you need Jake right now, dig down deep and bring up all the sweet faces of Jake and paint them. When you are painting him you'll be absorbed in his essence and it will bring you some peace.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just the way with grief. There is no way around. Only through. I do believe, as unbelievable as it is, time will eventually heal. I am thinking about you with kind and hopeful thoughts and will talk of you to Edward.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you today, Susan and hoping that your grief and sadness will be lifted soon. I know it is hard.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your ongoing kind and supportive words. You know it's not just missing Jake but it's that Jake was my respite. A lovely goofy, silly loving respite from all things bad in my world and now I'm having to learn how to be my own respite, and I have many days, still, when I'm no good at it ... at all.
ReplyDeleteI just returned home from a 2 hour lunch with a friend that I don't have to keep my secrets from and now Miss D. and I are going to pile into the wagon, and go to the beach because it's low tide and there's a blue, blue sky and sunshine and it will be another perfect distraction.
Oops Mary D we left our comments at the same time. My comment should read "thank you three". Wink.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that ache & sadness go missing from time to time is a good thing. Sure, they come back, and it stings when they do, but hopefully they stay gone for longer and longer. Try not to let the grind wear you down, and maybe soon, there will be a reason for joy in your life again. Warm thoughts and hugs from SoCal.
ReplyDelete