unsettled

four loves - insects, beautiful illustrations, Cavallini and pre dusk golden light

Change is never easy.
You fight to let go.
You fight to hold on.

Daniel Stern - The Wonder Years

It's all I think about these days. I might not mention it as often here mostly I think because the whole subject causes me so much confusion. I have never experienced such push pull feelings. I love this place, this village by the sea, it has become my extended nest. It's where I hide away safely from the rest of the world. It's familiar and easy and this once very brave girl has become frightened of a bigger life. I feel lonely daily but I convince myself otherwise. I feel envious and filled with regret much of the time. I feel trapped and yet I'm hanging on for dear life. I don't know what to do ... and all of my life, since I was very young, I have been taking care of me and doing a pretty good job of it. Making the big decisions, leaping bravely off cliffs, never passing opportunity by, forging ahead into the unknown, often with trepidation but always combined with a deep curiosity and wonder. With confidence and assurance. I'm not sure what happened to her ...
I wonder often where did she go ?

This house is too big for me to look after, as much as I love it, it needs big maintenance and constant expensive repairs. The yard which is enormous is gradually becoming a tangled forest of green which is threatening to swallow this old brick house whole. I don't know how to stop it and I can't afford to hire the people who do know how. I know I can't let that happen - but it's gotten far beyond what I can do, what I want to do. But yet I stand still ... not knowing what to do.

I feel frozen, at a complete stand still, and although my days, especially these summer days are often filled with peace, beauty and real joy (for which I feel tremendously grateful), I do feel satisfaction and accomplishment on a regular basis, two things which always are essential and important for me to feel ... yet the underlying current of my life feels - unsettled - and it never goes away. It nibbles constantly at my contentment and it casts it's dark shadow over my attempts to live in the moment.

For everything you have missed,
you have gained something else,
and for everything you gain,
you lose something else.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

oh shut up Ralph ... that's so helpful. Sigh.

Check out Alice in Paris Loves Art and Tea a blog about art, life and the goings on in and around the city I think, I just might ... want to move to.

A note on tiny red puppies. They have arrived. 7 boys and 2 girls and I am not getting one this year but I am going to have a little red puppy in my new life ... just not yet. I hope you're listening M. Universe - I am going to have a little red puppy.