rafting down a lazy river
Saturday, February 27, 2010
more tulips from the terracotta jungles here at 29 Black Street - a polaroid from les archives
What loneliness is more lonely than distrust ?
T. S. Elliot
It's cold and raining, maybe freezing rain this early morning. I'm just off to the lands of bubbles and scent and thinking deep thoughts (I know - what's new pussycat ?) Deep thoughts about the choices we make in our heads. The choices we make about our thoughts and our feelings. Sometimes, often lately, I write a bit in my journal in bed with my first cup of coffee. This morning I was thinking a lot about "relaxing" (relaxing in my head). I was trying to imagine my thoughts as if they were lounging on a pillow of air, safe and sound, under the sun gently floating down a slow moving river. Absolutely carefree, beautiful scenery and sounds all around those thoughts - not a concern in the world. Nothing to anticipate, nothing to worry about, nothing to plan, no duty, nor diligence required ... and I realized what a terribly frightening scenario I had just conjured up in my mind. Who would I be ?
Uh Huh ! a breakthrough moment, or another breakthrough moment - certainly not the first. I am absolutely terrified to just let things be, to just float relaxed and comfy down the lazy river of life. What are ya nuts ? I think to myself, because in my head, if I should let my guard down, even for a second - I've become convinced (mostly subconsciously and that's the darn kicker*), and have been for as long as I can remember, that big, bad, badness & hurt will ambush me from that deceivingly peaceful looking shore.
This is anxiety. To sooth and calm that beast we (those who know anxiety well) are oh so diligent in patrolling the perimeters of our life, we're on careful watch 24/7. You'd never know it if you met us, we seem pretty calm, cool, collected even. We're very practiced, us anxious types, all the world is and has been our stage. This vigilance is such a part of who I am it's become like the freckles on my face and arms. It's a kind of hyper-vigilance. I'll admit I've worn HV like some sort of badge. Something to be proud of. And in a way it is something to be proud of - it is definitely the yin to my yang, it's got me where I am today. It's allowed me much success and happiness, and many moments of incredible braveness in life so ... why would I want to give it up ?
I know that these posts must seem very personal, perhaps too personal, to some. Look away then I say. I write them because I know that I'm not alone with these feelings and thoughts and taking them out of that busy, full head of mine and throwing them down here not only helps me tremendously but these thoughts may ring true with someone else. And just maybe, allow them to cut themselves a little slack ... if only for a moment.
*darn kicker - it becomes so ingrained that you don't even realize you're doing it. It becomes who you are.
Happy Weekend ! Hey is it a DSS weekend over at the Karmic Kitchen?
another very beautiful song - I love
Posted by Susan