more tulips from the terracotta jungles here at 29 Black Street - a polaroid from les archives
What loneliness is more lonely than distrust ?
T. S. Elliot
It's cold and raining, maybe freezing rain this early morning. I'm just off to the lands of bubbles and scent and thinking deep thoughts (I know - what's new pussycat ?) Deep thoughts about the choices we make in our heads. The choices we make about our thoughts and our feelings. Sometimes, often lately, I write a bit in my journal in bed with my first cup of coffee. This morning I was thinking a lot about "relaxing" (relaxing in my head). I was trying to imagine my thoughts as if they were lounging on a pillow of air, safe and sound, under the sun gently floating down a slow moving river. Absolutely carefree, beautiful scenery and sounds all around those thoughts - not a concern in the world. Nothing to anticipate, nothing to worry about, nothing to plan, no duty, nor diligence required ... and I realized what a terribly frightening scenario I had just conjured up in my mind. Who would I be ?
Uh Huh ! a breakthrough moment, or another breakthrough moment - certainly not the first. I am absolutely terrified to just let things be, to just float relaxed and comfy down the lazy river of life. What are ya nuts ? I think to myself, because in my head, if I should let my guard down, even for a second - I've become convinced (mostly subconsciously and that's the darn kicker*), and have been for as long as I can remember, that big, bad, badness & hurt will ambush me from that deceivingly peaceful looking shore.
This is anxiety. To sooth and calm that beast we (those who know anxiety well) are oh so diligent in patrolling the perimeters of our life, we're on careful watch 24/7. You'd never know it if you met us, we seem pretty calm, cool, collected even. We're very practiced, us anxious types, all the world is and has been our stage. This vigilance is such a part of who I am it's become like the freckles on my face and arms. It's a kind of hyper-vigilance. I'll admit I've worn HV like some sort of badge. Something to be proud of. And in a way it is something to be proud of - it is definitely the yin to my yang, it's got me where I am today. It's allowed me much success and happiness, and many moments of incredible braveness in life so ... why would I want to give it up ?
I know that these posts must seem very personal, perhaps too personal, to some. Look away then I say. I write them because I know that I'm not alone with these feelings and thoughts and taking them out of that busy, full head of mine and throwing them down here not only helps me tremendously but these thoughts may ring true with someone else. And just maybe, allow them to cut themselves a little slack ... if only for a moment.
*darn kicker - it becomes so ingrained that you don't even realize you're doing it. It becomes who you are.
Happy Weekend ! Hey is it a DSS weekend over at the Karmic Kitchen?
another very beautiful song - I love
"patrolling the perimeters of our life" I do know what you mean and you are so right, there are many of us out there always on "the alert". It is tiring and gets in the way of just being in the moment, which is all we have really.
ReplyDeleteHave a splendid weekend with your cowboy and furry family!
Hella no I'm not looking away. Although it is funny to think of you so freckled when I really think of you more often than not as fleeced. No, not in the "got ripped off sense" but in the "does she have other clothes besides fleece based clothes" sense.
ReplyDeleteNo DSS this week, I got bushwhacked at work, had my brain jellied and totally whiffed on the announcement. Now if you'd like to request something, I'm all ears.
" I am absolutely terrified to just let things be, to just float relaxed and comfy down the lazy river of life.".......that is SO me at times!
ReplyDeleteI love this post...I love when you write and just let the words from your heart flow. It's those moments that most often touch my heart that needs comfort and encouragement.
Much love! xo
YES.
ReplyDeleteOh. You just wrote the blog post I would have written if my brain weren't too hyperalert to write it. Seriously, thank you. I needed this at this EXACT moment. You have no idea.
ReplyDeleteI know I have told you this before, but I can relate to so much of what you say.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been to visit lately...but this post shone a bright light on a dark corner I attempt to keep hidden. I have always been hyper-vigilant. In fact, I thought I invented that term. I wrestle with anxiety as well, keeping a current RX of Xanax "just in case"...
ReplyDeleteActually, its your highly personal posts that at least i, and i imagine everyone here, loves the best. Its what defines your blog. Well, that, and your gorgeous photography and art.
ReplyDelete