lush life

Friday, June 1, 2012

green & white & sweet shaggaliciousness

We must embrace pain & burn it as fuel for our journey

Kenji  Miyazawa

I feel cured.

oh my, I hate to say that for fear I will curse myself somehow. You know that silly "knock on wood" if you dare to be so brazen as to announce some definitively positive thing. But I do feel like a different person. I rarely feel sad anymore, I'm not suffering anymore from that denied but very intense loneliness, not wallowing in grief, not wondering what I can, should, would, want to do with my scrap of a life. My life doesn't feel at all like a scrap anymore - it feels big, bold, rich & lush.

I'm working on my anxiety, worry, fear & control issues - you know the one where I don my super gal cape & attempt to prevent all potentially bad things from happening anywhere near and/or around me (especially things that involve animals, birds or insects - so don't be bombing no wasps nest with me nearby ;-). This book Nerve I'm currently reading is tres helpful re the whole FEAR thing plus the recently read  Power of Habit (combine the both of them - the Habit of Fear and Bonjour ! Hello Me - or the Me I don't want to be! I guess what I'm aiming for is the Habit of (way) Less Fear 'cause this new me doesn't want to live like that anymore ... it's the one clinging big hang up that's a challenge for me to shake. It takes work, lots of self talk & a consciousness around catching myself when I'm just about to tumble into that mucky fearful thought swamp. But fear is in my way of having an even lusher life ... the cost is high so I am determined.

I do want to write more posts about this transformation because it is thrilling, amazing, fascinating & I do hope might be encouraging to anyone else who's found themselves at that place in life, feeling hopeless, feeling that terrible heavy boots feeling ... I know 2 things for sure no matter how bad I ever felt, and I felt bad for a very long time, I don't think I ever stopped day dreaming about how I wanted my life to be. I dreamed this lush life I have now, I dreamed it in intricate & stunningly exact detail and the other thing that I believe helped me to get to the other side of the perceived vast ocean of sadness was - I was never afraid of feeling it – all of it.

Those things that hurt, instruct

Benjamin Franklin

Rufus Wainwright, Moby & Sean Lennon singing Across The Universe - live - sighing



  1. oh, my, Susan! I love this post... so happy that you're making such wonderful changes. I admire your perserverence. I also think the photo of Missy D is my all-time favorite... such a happy pose in a lush setting. Happy Weekend to you, my friend.

  2. Hi Susan. I want you to know that I went through exactly what you describe with the sadness bit last year and throughout this year, and I fully relate to the: not wanting to proclaim happiness in case it slips away just because you said it out loud; dreaming about what kind of life you truly want and never letting that go; and feelin--to the last ounce of pain--EVERY bit of feeling in my heart: pain, sadness, self-loathing, fear, longing for peace but never feeling it. All of that. But, I think you have to go through the hard stuff and sit with it, discover it, honor it, before you can come out the other side of it. Otherwise, if you just try to push it down, you'll never get away from it.
    Brava to you for feeling it, and SHARING! Such a huge accomplishment. Keep soldiering on.

  3. Hey Kathie ! (I'd say I owe you some snail mail ;-) thank you as the Prince says - if I had a bi-line it would be "bold, persistent experimentation" & half the battle is really knowing what you want in life. Missy D thanks you I love this photo of her too !! oh my how I love my Dee girl, she's heading toward 14 now so each & every day with her is big thick frosting on my cake.

    & Hi Dalyce I've hopped over to your blog to leave you a message there

    xo Susan + les Gang

  4. so nice to read that note about your lush life! enjoy!

  5. Hi Suzi Q----Am I getting through? If so I'll write often!

  6. Sally is that you ?? yes please do comment often xo SQ

  7. C'est moi, Susan. WILL WRITE MORE ON WEEKEND! xox

  8. your welcome Arthur ! - that Rufus ... what a voice xo S + Gang

  9. Glad life is getting better for you Susan.


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