beautiful poison

does this cloud look to you like a lean and greying cowboy ...

forever
- 23 days
________
an eternity

Ever has it been known that love knows not
it's own depth until the hour of separation

Kahil Gibran

Yesterday as the cowboy and the beautiful brown hound climbed into their vehicle and pulled away from the curb in front of this old brick house I felt sick to my stomach. The big ache had begun. How on earth will I survive 23 days without him and the brown velvet Bess ?

The cowboy with his big, huge smile and eyes that twinkle at me when he laughs, and he laughs a lot. With arms that fold around me and hold me tighter than I've ever wanted. The man with the tall moustache and boyish silver bangs that flop down over his forehead. A man so handsome my knees are permanently weakened. A man so kind and sweet, so funny and so deliciously complicated that I can't breath properly anymore.

Thank goodness I have 13 archived phone messages. I'll talk to him again Wednesday, tomorrow. He doesn't have a cell phone - of course he doesn't. Why didn't I say call me collect from a phone booth ? Will I ? Can I ? survive 24 hrs without hearing his voice - his real, live voice ?

I would wish to sleep for 23 days like a Snow White awakened upon his return, finally, with the sweetest kiss. But Hey ! Alas ! ... I have a million, billion things that I want to get done, that I must get done. The teak topped desk is yelling at me. If only I could take the cowboy and all my swirling, racing thoughts about him and us and put them gently in a cupboard in this old brick house, tucked away - even for a few hours so that I might be able to think again in a clear, straight and productive manner. Deepest sigh.

I have been beautifully poisoned ...




last night's walk - Winnie Dixon, Piper Belle & me

boat house

the beautiful boat house

Dance if you want to and I'll sit and watch you
Show me the steps that you know
Jump high and swing low and dance all night

Drive if you want to and I'll sit beside you
When there's a road to choose from
We'll choose the right one and we'll drive all night

And play if you want to and I'll listen when you do
And when you sing a tune, I'll sing along with you
And we'll play all night

Rose Cousins - Dance if you want to

Track 14 CD No. 2

mixed tape

scenes from yesterday's first road trip

I said I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you closer to you

Dixie Chicks - Cowboy Take Me Away

The cowboy and the beautiful brown hound Bess leave tomorrow morning on a previously planned 4000 km, 3 week road trip back to where he came from. I've made him 2 music CD's - 33 songs to take with him. The proverbial mixed tape. Songs that I love, have loved and songs that suddenly seem meant for this - for us. A big beautiful soundtrack to this new life that has knocked me over. I can't even imagine him being gone, this wonderful man who's taken over my every thought and consideration. We'll talk on the phone at least once each day, we'll send emailed thoughts and promises and as soon as he & Bess arrive at their destination he will parcel up one of his books, a survey of Canadian history and mail it me express post and I will relish it. I will count the days until they return - as will Piper Belle and Miss D.

My Creative Empire is, has been, busting at the seams - Good Things continue to rush at me fast & furious. I am dizzy with Goodness. I will spend these cowboyless days here at the teak topped desk - building. I will spend time also freeing space and room in this old brick house for him and his things. Suddenly it's easy for me to let go of things that have tormented me for ever. I will miss him ... but Goodness ... I need to catch my breath.

ps to Chez Caesar the Steve Earle song Fearless Heart is a new favourite of mine and is track 7 on CD No. 1 - merci !!

16

the cowboy & the brown hound - beautiful Bess

Hey there handsome.

The cowboy and I and the three sisters, the girls - Miss D, Piper Belle and Bess are going on a road trip today. We will travel to nearby picturesque small towns and villages. We'll stop at the farmer's market, we'll walk on the beach with our family of dogs and he'll show me the nearby harbour where I'll learn to sail next summer. Tonight he'll barbecue. He's moving his much loved weber charcoal barbecue to this old brick house today. He's beginning to move his things.

I love him.

I can't imagine what my life was like before he was here - here filling all of this immense space in my heart and my head. He tells me stories and I love that he's such a chatterbox - a retired history professor who spent 32 years talking, chattering away in 50 min modules. We laugh together until we cry.

Today is day 16 of our big, new life together.

I'm sorry I can't post twice a day Martha ... I wish I could. I do well to get one post up.
Thank you, thank you - all of you, for the big smiles and happiness that I feel in your comments.

ever after

asters

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.


I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply

I've always loved this song and I've always kept it and it's big sentiment tucked away in my own imaginary, hopeless romantic ("that" only happens in movies meant to taint young girls or perhaps in a Nicholas Sparks novel) suitcase, pushed far under my bed, hidden away forever.

Not anymore. These words are real. Boy was I wrong. These lyrics are my life and my future. Today the cowboy and I celebrate 2 weeks of seeing each other. Of seeing each other every day, several times a day and for longer and longer periods each new day. We are fast becoming so completely tangled up with each other we both know that these knots will never come undone.

The day after our first date, dog walking in the park 2 weeks ago, the cowboy stopped at the post office to pick up his mail. He walked up to the counter where Sue stood beaming at him and he looked at her, smiled his big boyish grin and said ...

and they lived happily ever after

and he meant it.

all of this

the small marsh above the crescent beach and looking out into the straight

The cowboy and I began having our evening meals together this past Sunday, on the 10th day of our big acquaintance. Since I have been madly teak toppin' it and working toward a fast approaching deadline (met finally yesterday). He has been preparing our evening meals, cooking at his own house and arriving each evening with some new move able feast - all carefully packed into his wooden wine crate.

Sunday - he prepared a pot roast with new potatoes and new carrots, onions & garlic accompanied by perfectly steamed broccoli. It was delicious.

Monday - he arrived with his grandmother's (she was from Kentucky) fried chicken (technically not fried or at least not deep fried) pan fried in butter, after being generously dusted with seasoned flour, until the skin is crisp and golden and then finished in a hot oven. He served the chicken with new potatoes, pan gravy and buttered peas (and ya know how I love peas). A similar recipe here. Again delicious.

Tuesday - this night roasted lamp chops on a bed of brown rice, with onions, garlic, celery and tomatoes served with perfectly steamed broccoli (turns out we're both crazy about broccoli).

Each of the above three meals was followed by dessert of chunks of extra dark imported chocolate and clementines.

Wednesday - finally my big deadline had been met so I cooked. He brought the broccoli ready to perfectly steam and I made Coquille St. Jacques- using this recipe. It was delicious and perfect. Individual casseroles of cream and cheese, buttered bread crumbs and fat juicy Digby scallops served beside bright green still crunchy broccoli stalks, perfect to scoop up any and all remaining cheesy goodness. For dessert I made my famous, and to die for, tres easy lemon pudding cake souffle like - light, tart and sweet all at the same time. Served of course with a good dollop of real whipped cream.

He loved it all. He's cooking again tonight as I'm moving on to the next project on the TTD queu. I can't tell you how much I am enjoying this new mealtime routine.... and all of this goodness.

crazy

my cowboy and the beautiful brown hound Bess

A Polaroid photograph taken yesterday at the end of our late afternoon walk with the dogs. He and Bess are standing in the golden hay fields behind his home and the beautiful building in the back ground is the house he built for his sailboat.

I can't imagine there is a man that could be more perfect for me. I feel dizzy all the time, I feel drunk, drugged. I feel incredibly lucky and so incredibly grateful that the M. Universe pointed us toward each other and I know he feels just as thankful. I am crazy about him ...

forever

the lobelia are still blooming in the upstairs hall window box

I wish to believe in immortality - I wish to live with you forever

John Keats

The cowboy has been cooking me dinners. I spend a good part of each day and evening with mad teak topped Empire building and after our 3pm walk in the afternoon sun avec les chiens, and after I've had my tea. I go home.

I come home to this old brick house and before I know it there he is again, coming in our front door with the beautiful brown hound and an old wooden wine box containing a moveable feast. He's prepared our meal in his own kitchen, packed it up and driven it the 5 min. drive across the bridge to my house. I've set the table for two in my beautiful new spare dining room. Winnie lies smiling at us from the sofa and Miss Piper Bell and the beautiful Bess continue their endless gnashing and spinning, nipping and tumbling play while the cowboy and I eat and talk and smile and laugh ....

cowboy 3

the cowboy and the dogs, Missy D, Piper Belle and the brown hound Bess

oh you set up your place in my thoughts
moved in and made my thinking crowded
now we're out in the back with the barking dogs
my heart the red sun
your heart the moon clouded

i could go crazy on a night like tonight
when summer's beginning to give up her fight
and every thought's a possibility
and the voices are heard but nothing is seen
why do you spend this time with me
maybe an equal mystery

Indigo Girls - Mystery

Every afternoon just before 3pm Miss D, Piper Belle and I pile into the teal coloured 97 Escort Wagon and drive the short drive across the bridge to the cowboys house. He lives in a beautiful turn of the century farmhouse which he has completely restored. We all tumble out of the car to big smiles and the happy squirming of a brown velvet puppy and then we walk in the wide fields of brown and gold behind his house. Miss D walks perfectly, off leash, by my side while Piper and Bess zoom and tumble, roar and leap, gnash and yip. I walk with Dee and beside the cowboy.

When we finish our walk I sit in his kitchen in the rocking chair. He adds wood to the fire, makes me tea and he has an afternoon beer. Piper and Bess continue to gnash and snort and play like the crazed young dogs that they are in tumbling circles around his open kitchen and Miss Dee sits by my side staring at the cowboy. Staring at him with affection in her eyes, willing him to speak to her, asking him with her eyes if he wouldn't like to scratch under her neck ... she's flirts with him and I think she might be falling in love.

golden

Sunday - the most favourite day. Warmer temperatures, it's windy and the sky is just beginning to brighten. A jam packed day ahead of mad teak toppin' until 3pm when rewarded for my efforts we, Miss D, Piper Belle and I, will meet up again with the cowboy and his brown hound, the beautiful Bess. We'll stroll in the golden hayfield behind his house and I think I'll take my camera.

t.i.l

rose bush

don't be afraid
have courage
speak your truth
trust in love

trust in love ... trust in love ... trust in love ...

and Hey ! thanks so much for all the swooning happy comments - tres sweet !

7 days

overlooking the small marshy area just above the crescent beach

At the end of a long, long day
There is not much more to say then love
I'm so glad I met you

Royal Wood

If you know me well, you'll know that I am a heart on sleeve kind of girl.

Originally I loved this song because it expressed the huge and simple love that I felt for my big red dog Jake. Now suddenly it has added meaning. The jigs up, after a month of M. Universe pelting me with a series of larger and larger good things she's finally knocked me down with the ultimate good thing. I have fallen ... truly, madly, deeply ... in one week, 7 days and I feel as if I've been run over by the most beautiful train. Turns out that the cowboy and I were two souls and hearts drifting around endlessly in a fog of resignation, in a blinding suffocatingly thick this is how my life is and always will be - so get used to it ! fog of acceptance.

You know what they always say ... just when you least expect it.

Well those sturdy rafts we each were floating on, drifted out of that fog and smacked into each other in a rather dramatic fashion one sunny September evening in the park. When I went home that night I couldn't stop thinking about him and his tears. I decided to be bold, on Tuesday I sent him a card - this image and a note about how sorry I was about his dog Abby, I told him more about my own grief and that I hoped we'd meet again in the park one day. I didn't sign my last name or write a return address because I did not want him to feel obligation but I hoped to make an impression.

I waited and nothing happened.

Each evening at the same time Winn and I would go for our walk down into the park and much to my dismay no cowboys with chocolate puppies ever came running toward us in slow motion. How could that be ? I had felt such a strong connection. I guessed I'd been wrong - I'd been very wrong many times before. Nearly two weeks later Sue from the post office, Sue who I power walk with every lunch that it's not pouring rain, called me and said with a lilt in her voice he hasn't picked up his mail. He hadn't yet received the card.

Hallelujah and some rejoicing from 29 Black Street.

And then he called, the day he finally went to the post office and found my card. He left me a wonderfully kind and polite thank you message. It sounded nothing but platonic and there were no questions asked, no reason really for me to call him back. I archived the message and listened to it many more times than I would ever admit to.

Nearly a month passed. No more calls, no cowboy sightings. More fog, more resignation tinged with sadness and melancholy rolled in thick again. I wondered if I wasn't being a tad dramatic and then I reminded myself that I'm allowed, it's OK to be dramatic - girlfriend you do forget from time to time that you are a human being. On our lunch time walks through pastures filled with black and white cows, walking fast toward the ocean Sue allowed me to babble on about the cowboy she listened and made wishes for me, like good friends do.

Last Thursday afternoon, back at the TTD after our lovely energizing walk and chat through hay fields Sue called me and said Guess what I just did ? She had called the cowboy. She had decided a little overt matchmaking was required. She and I chatted for 10 mins or so as she told me about their conversation, what she said to him and how he had reacted to her little bug in his ear with instant immense delight and enthusiasm. When Sue and I said goodbye and I hung up the phone there was a message waiting for me from the cowboy.

That was 7 days ago yesterday, our lives immediately became tangled together.

cowboy 2

more early morning beauty

I am just flying - at top speed. Racing through my life at the moment. So much going on here at the TTD* all good, all wonderful and with an endless stream of new and exciting projects queuing up to be tackled next. Busy = happy, busy= secure.

Sweet little coyote Piper Belle is a petite dream dog. Loyal, sweet, gentle and comes when she's called. Hello ! Miss D, I can tell, loves her, she's much more relaxed, less nervous 'cause she's got a buddy. We've been spending some time, each late afternoon, the three of us walking through golden hay fields with a man and his chocolate brown hound. Piper flies and leaps through the sea of gold like some strange wiry african antelope with Bess the 4 month old chocolate puppy in hot pursuit. My lady Dee, still a little cautious and unsure of this new routine (much like her Mama) prefers to walk beside me. Beside me and the cowboy, the man with the tall moustache who loves dogs as much a I do.

sacred

stunning grey and stillness like glass

Something opens our wings
something makes boredom and hurt disappear
something fills the cup in front of us:
we taste only sacredness

Rumi

... and goodness and gratitude

merci M Universe! lessons and learning, trials and contentment, beauty and truth. Holy Cow !

and Hey ! I won the gourmet chocolate gift from the far away lands of Making Space and you all know how a little gourmet chocolate totally thrills this girl

too good

ghostly queen anne's lace


oh the pirate gets the ship
and the girl tonight
breaks a bottle to christen her
basking in the exploits of her thief
she's a very good listener
maybe that's all that we need
is to meet in the middle of impossibility
we're standing at opposite poles
equal partners in a mystery

Indigo Girls - Mystery

How can it be November ? I find every year the months between September and December race along at such a speed I never seem to catch my breath. Add to that "things a hoppin" here at the cat covered TTD* and the days just keep zooming by me - the space of time between coffee in bed in the morning and tucking in at night with my adored moist heating pad feels like a blink. Days so chock full, of good, goodness & then more good. I've lost my breath. In fact I asked someone the other day Do you think it's possible to feel too good ? I guess I meant it as rhetorical question, or even just an awe struck ponder.

*TTD - teak topped desk

I've been creating mixed play lists in itunes to listen to at my lovely big imac which has fantastic speakers. A favourite old song by Everything But the Girl

fearless ness

Susan with pole beans and red sneakers - 9 years old

Fate loves the fearless

James Russell Lowell


We all have our childhoods living inside us. I've been feeling like this little girl right now in many ways although I am trying with all my might to be the grown up woman that I know I am. It feels like M. Universe is shaking me.

Don't be afraid,
Have courage
Speak your truth
Trust in love

Repeat daily as needed

I have my nephew Michael to thank for reminding me of this favourite photo from my past. It's taken on a sunny carefree summer day in front of my adored grandmother Flo's gigantic vegetable garden. An amazing woman who I love with all my heart and will miss forever.

Michael's begun working on a web site design for 29 Black Street so that I can put everything, all my stuff, in one spot - blog, portfolio, bio, etsy shop - my own web site is a much overdue thing. He's very talented and also very loved by me.

Been to Thailand ? Now's your chance. That girls' on the other side of the world and she's blogging up a storm @ 163 degrees.

handsome

a holly bush in early morning sunshine

holly which grows in the yard up the hill a few streets over and near the schools. The yard across the street from the senior caramel coloured, german shepherd mix, the dog with a huge smile and one ear always cocked and crooked. And the girls and I yell out to him each morning Hey there handsome !

I know that this will sound a tad mysterious but My Goodness - be very careful what you wish for is how I'm feeling currently. And I mean that in only the best possible way.