there's sand in my bath

Jake & Susan another Polaroid from the vault of much loved images

There's sand in my bath ... No. 163 on my ever growing, lengthy list of things that remind me of Jake. Things in our daily routine that always cause me to pause and to remember my big red dog.

No. 52 - sandwiches (specifically the making of them). I would always cut the crusts off making sure to include a good amount of filling along with those darn bread edges. Those were always for Jake. I offer them frequently to Miss D and she just screws up her nose at me. The other day in a rush to find something to eat quickly for lunch so I could get back to the teak topped desk, I made myself a peanut butter fold over sandwich on squishy whole grain grocery store bread. I stopped and stared at the sandwich and at the crusts ... the crusts made my heart feel heavy.

No. 13 - smooth pale washed up sticks I spy each day on our early morning walks at the beach. Sticks I once hunted for and gathered with delight. Sticks that are perfect for retrieving and sticks that I would tuck away, at the end of our mornings, in the tall grass, a pile of smooth, pale sticks waiting for us and for the next day's retrieving events. Sticks that Jake loved.

No. 3 - the back seat of our teal coloured 97' Escort wagon and the brown and beige duvet that still covers that seat. Jake's spot. Winnie always rides shotgun in the front seat and Jake had the entire back seat ... he would sprawl out or sometimes stand with his head out the window, his handsome reflection in my driver's side rear mirror.

No. 52 - peaches. One of my boy's favourite foods. I couldn't bring myself to buy a basket this year. Partly because it made me feel sad and partly because I knew I wouldn't eat a whole basket by myself. Miss D doesn't like peaches either. Preparing peaches was always an annual late summer ritual. Often more than one basket of peaches would be prepared, in our kitchen Jake by my side. Little x's carved into the skin and then plopped into boiling water for a few seconds. Then peeled and sliced over a big white bowl. A slice for me, a slice for Jake and a slice for the bowl. Repeat.

No. 56 - raw cauliflower & No. 53 - fresh pineapple & No. 54 - raspberries
(more favourite foods - see No. 52)

For some reason this has been a hard week, a sad week. Grief came back this week, lately it always arrives out of the blue, suddenly pushing me hard with a shove. I've been really busy with lots and lots of work on my plate which is fantastic and it's been a wonderful diversion and distraction and I do know that time is healing. Monday I walked downstairs in the early morning darkness to get my first cup of coffee, my slippered feet hit the first floor landing and I turned left and down two steps into the kitchen and an overwhelming feeling swept over me, a feeling that Jake was there, or that he should be there. That rush back in time that comes over you - a memory rush - back to how it used to be and to how you wish it still was. He should be there, lying pressed up against the door to our house, protecting all of us ... and as soon as he would hear my feet hit the kitchen floor his big red tail would begin to thump madly ... and I would always say good morning Noodle.

love ya.