Sunday, December 28, 2008

say blue by aliette

is that my little home with the dark cloud

lovely art by Paris based graphic designer aliette - her etsy shop

I've been trying to be a new me. To have a new life. I think maybe I've always been trying ... in a way ... but suddenly, well maybe not suddenly. Maybe gradually, but with an increasing momentum and especially this past year with an ever growing urgency attached to my efforts. It's like I've woken up from a deep sleep, or a deep sleepwalking kind of life. It feels like I'm trying harder than ever ... and trying so hard, to figure it all out, is exhausting. What happened to my simple care free life? In the tiny moments of each day I do recognize that old simple life but when I ponder the bigger picture, the entire picture, "my life" in quotations hangs over me like a dark cloud of uncertainty. Maybe I shouldn't think about a bigger picture ?

Maybe this is what mid life is about. Monotonous ongoing evaluation. I feel like I want a new life, at times that I need a new life, a big change, new things, new people, new challenges and stimulation. All brand new - how exciting could that be? and then when I try to imagine me in that new life I can't picture it. I realize that I've cocooned myself away from the world and I feel like I'd be broken and lost out and about in that world and ultimately I end up thinking it would be safest and wisest for me to stay, cozy & snug, tucked away ... exactly where I am.

But I also know I will keep trying ... because trying is all I can think to do.
And I'm very good at trying.

fugitives by aliette


  1. Susan
    Your post today and Friday... thought provoking and pulling at my heart strings.
    I have become an introvert, and I too find change very hard.
    I love my 'nest'.
    I know you've been talking about moving from your house.
    So is that still in the plan? or is your plan changing.
    Stay warm!

  2. Good morning, sweet Susan. Very thought-provoking post today. I feel like I've known you all my life, the way you write. And I want so much to give you the biggest hug EVER! You ARE a beautiful person, inside and out - and you inspire me in my little world here - much more than you know.

    Much love to you and the furry gang! xo

  3. Susan, I hope Ms. Invincible comes out of hiding and chases away that dark cloud above your house. You brighten all of our worlds on a daily basis with your lovely pictures and words.

  4. To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard

  5. merci mon amis.

    Just back from our big stroll at the golf course where Missy D initiated "the closest" call with a big ol' porcupine and Mama had to run like the dickens through soggy fields, leapt over a frozen creek in one fell swoop and fell twice and bruised my knees - but no quills came in contact with my girl.

    A sure cure for dark clouds - death defying and tres aerobic action.

    porcupine animal totem meaning -
    Innocence & Wonder

    A Porcupine totem reminds you not to get caught in the chaos of the world, where fear, greed and suffering are commonplace.
    Its medicine is relief from the seriousness of life. Open your heart to those things that gave you joy as a child; remember fantasy and imagination and bring into your life again.

    or perhaps just ... chill girlfriend. Wink.

  6. Somewhere there is Balance. We all seek it, find it only to lose it at times...but it is there.
    Wishing you peace, joy and the best. You are indeed an inspiration to many.

  7. I can really relate. The past few years, and 2008 especially, I've felt that things needed to change. There was some study about how happiness decreases in mid-life, but then increases as we get older, so maybe what you're feeling isn't that uncommon. Maybe mid-life is a "sorting out" time. At least, that's what I hope.

  8. I appreciate your dilemma Susan - safety or adventure.I've sold or shifted from many houses that I have loved.The Buddhist recognition that attachment brings sorrow ultimately is self explanitory, yet is comforting in its inevitability and confirmation that grief is very much part of this existence. It comes with the territory. Continue to be gentle with yourself.When you think about it, life really is about change, from the moment we are born. I really don't think it's the change that is holding you back dear, I think you have experienced so much deep sorrow that you are frightened of more. Once you live with the courage to accept life really is loss and move comfortably around those perimeters, it is somewhat easier.I know you do this but it is the "moving comfortably" that seems to be "sticking".Like Mim said, this has pulled at my heartstrings also. It is such a dilemma.To let go of something you love knowing it has served it's purpose.You may choose to stay Susan, where it is safe, but you will always wonder what could have been if you'd moved.There is no defeat however, in staying, it is merely a choice.I admire your struggle and hold you warmly in my heart and thoughts.

  9. This is a potent post, Susan. You describe the dilemma I find myself in so perfectly. I have done the same thing as you and at times I am sure I want to move to a town that offers more of everything....but even more of the time I can't imagine leaving this life I have here in the mountains...isolated but happy but conflicted by some strange yearning for something else at the same time. Like you, I am not certain I actually have a choice. I need to move for financial reasons. I guess that will make my choice for me. But I still have a hard time imagining myself in a new life.

    Great great post that surely hit home.

  10. Dear Susan,

    So well put indeed.

    "Maybe this is what mid life is about. Monotonous ongoing evaluation. I feel like I want a new life, at times that I need a new life, a big change, new things, new people, new challenges and stimulation. All brand new - how exciting could that be? "

    I was just discussing something akin to this today. that is me totally. I can relate.

  11. Beautiful post. Really, achingly beautiful. Oh, change.


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