Saturday, October 23, 2010

Miss D & I both have a big ol' crush on this sweet guy - Juicy - Newfie/Australian cattle dog cross
Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter won't mind.

Dr Seuss

I never start out to be so candid here. I always mean for this to be a visual blog - photos mostly, design, creative stuff but inevitably out comes heart on sleeve gal and the next thing ya know I'm posting photos of myself or sharing inner thoughts and feelings, details of my life and loves, and goodness even photos of me kissing the cowboy. Yikes. I can't seem to help myself and the reason is, I think, it's because that is who I really am.

In live social situations, certainly ones that involve more than one or two people, I might be perceived to be withdrawn, aloof maybe, shy ?? Because goodness knows that's what I'm aiming for. Always in preparation for such an event, a social situation involving more than 2 or 3 people (which thankfully are intentionally rare events in my life) my pep talk to myself always includes don't talk too much just be quiet and listen. Don't be exuberant, don't sparkle, go easy on your enthusiasm, be demure - blend in. Don't stand out. Please.

But ... it's almost impossible for me. Being myself in a live social situation (not a blog which appears initially to be private & solitary) at the time usually feels OK but always upon returning home to the safety and security of this old brick house I feel remorse. A thick layer of self - consciousness & anxiety sticks to me, lingers and makes me feel cross at myself. Why did I laugh and smile and talk so much. I told you, I scold myself, you didn't listen to me and now you suffer.

It began a very long time ago. 8th grade to be exact. I remember the very day, just boom, it seemed I went from bubbly and completely at ease to feeling shy and withdrawn. Suddenly the worst thing that could happen to me would be to draw any attention to myself. It (anxiousness & self consciousness) arrived that day and it's never really left me.

I wonder ... why is it so difficult for us to just be who we really are ?

ps. thanks for all the votes, thoughts & opinions yesterday on the photos of my self


  1. amazing and thoughtful, as usual. i feel like i know your neighborhood - i freaking love it and look forward to your icy winter shots. give me that quilt. it would be tres perfect at chickory.

    now. about those portraits. i really really enjoyed seeing you. and i cant see any reason not to be exuberant. you have every reason to be bright and light - youve earned it. i like all the photos, gotta say the one where you are standing with the drawing is my favorite -although, like you, i feel that having a dog with me helps my looks immensely. LOL

    i wish you continued success and growth with the CE, bliss with the cowboy, and all the goodness of life in the little things...those things you celebrate everyday on this page.

  2. SNORT! Cat in a drawer and looking very caught. Like we don't know it that it goes on ALL THE TIME. You'll be puttering around, open up a drawer, find something bizarre inside and wonder, damn, how did that get in there? Suddenly you're making appointments with Alzheimer specialists and back at the ranch, the cats are snickering (nay, dare I say, snorting) at us again.

    So what you're saying is, you're a private Sparkler?

    Do you have a new PUP????? Have you been holding back?

  3. Susan, I just found your blog via Rachel's over at Slow Lane Life. Gosh, what a gorgeous blog!

    I've added you to my blog roll so that I can see all your terrific photos of your companions, village, artwork and Nova Scotia.

    Love the cat in drawer, too. I have three, but they are all in their mid-teens and only interested in eating and sleeping.

  4. Please ... Oliver's doing some much needed filing. Just one of his many, many Associate Creative Director tasks. As you can see in the other photo, the one of him sitting on the corner of me ever messy desk, he's not thrilled with the progress that I am making and he's in the midst of our midday critique.

    Juicy is a friend's dog - but I'd steal him in a blink. I'm his official godmother. Hooray ! He's 10 years old, goofy, gallumping and very sweet and reminds so much of that big red dog Jake.

  5. I enjoyed your self-reflective post, Susan. It answered a few questions I had about how you seem to reach out and then draw back. I noticed that same habit in myself. I also had a tremendously impacting event at the end of 7th and beginning of 8th grade. Those early experiences can profoundly shape our personality! My daughter calls me an extroverted introvert...which I think could describe your personality as well! Anyway, I know we don't know each other in person- I've just been reading your post over a couple of years...has it really been that long?-but I love it when your guard falls and your expansive personality takes over. I celebrate your lifestyle, creativity, and new-found romance. And I genuinely wish you both personal and professional success.

  6. You are such a beautiful soul. I know it doesn't always feel like it to you, but you are to us.

  7. oh Dani that's just too kind.
    You sweet thing have made my day ! xo from all of us.

  8. I assume Oliver is filed under O!

    Susan, you may like Sandra Cisneros's short story "Eleven", the part about onions and trees. Google it.

  9. I always love your photos and your writing. I love how real you vulnerable you make youself so we really get to see you, sweet Susan. I know there have been some days where it has been difficult to write, but you still do it and I love you all the more for it. You encourage me to keep pressing forward.

    "I wonder ... why is it so difficult for us to just be who we really are ?" ------good question. I feel that way at times, too.

    Much love to you and furry gang. xo

  10. I am so impressed by how neat and organized your cowboy is keeping that construction zone!!
    Juicy is a handsome fella, and I wish I had an associate for my home office that is so on top of things.
    I know how you feel after any social event, but as I tell myself, can laughing and smiling and talking really be that bad? Isn't that what we are supposed to do?!

  11. You take some awesome pictures!
    Snorts and Snuggle
    Benny & Lily

  12. Shaggy said....WOW you sure have a good grip on this whole blogging thing. The last couple of pics actually had me drooling. I'm now getting my mom on a daily basis to help me log on so that I can enjoy your tremendous photography. Not sure what some of the diologue is all about? but my mom sure seems dialed into it. Keep up the good work, this is almost as good as rolling in stink weed.

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