wishing to atone

Saturday, October 9, 2010

early morning summer nest avec coffee, a stack of reading and the very best cat - Oliver

So if you disappear out of view
You know I will never say goodbye
And though I try to forget it
You will make me call your name
And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky...

And we may never meet again...
So shed your skin and let's get started
And you will throw your arms around me
Yeah, you will throw your arms around me

I listen religiously to CBC radio while working at the teak topped desk. A few of my favourite shows are The Current (8:30 -10:00 am) current events, news, politics, documentaries followed by Q (10:00 - noon) a daily arts, culture and entertainment show with a heavy dose of Canadian content. Earlier this week Gian (Q's host) interviewed Dan Savage about his It Gets Better Project which hopes to reach out to desperate & bullied gay teens (who have an incredibly high suicide rate) letting them know that life does get better after junior high & high school. You can listen to the interview here.

I had my own being mean experience in junior high school, in 7th grade. I don't know why I did it but I teased (in a very mean way) a boy who's voice, which was likely changing, was high pitched and a bit feminine sounding. I'm not sure how many times I teased him ... but it feels like it was often. Way too many times. I wasn't mean to him because I thought he was gay, I don't think then I understood what being gay was. I was mean to him because he was different, that somehow he stood out from our pack of cookie cutter pre-teens. It haunts me to this day that I did this mean thing and I've always wondered if he's kept me in his mind as that bad person - as that bully girl. If I could remember his name, oh if I could remember his name, I would track him down and beg him for forgiveness because I am so very sorry ... and ashamed.

At the end of Gian's interview he played this beautiful Hunters & Collectors song - the version below is Pearl Jam with Mark Seymour, lead singer of H & C, who wrote the song.


  1. I think at some point we were all nasty little kids. It's the adults we grow into that make me hopeful. Well....mostly hopeful.

    By the way, love the self portrait.

  2. I think a lot of bullying has to do with the bully's own insecurities - strike first so no one will strike them. And children can have a pack mentality - anything different is suspect - that most grow out of. But I'm listening to the NYC news and reports of 3 different horrifying attacks on gay men in the last few days. Despicable.
    I have loved that song, and Pearl Jam's version of it, for years. Thank you so much for the video.

  3. thank you ... B. Shammy it's good to admit such a crime out loud. I don't think I was a mean kid, at all ... but that particular act of cruelty was terrible and I do think of "it", and of him often.

    Re- new self portrait after the posting of my 25 year old self just recently I am "trying" to accept and appreciate how I look now - 25 years later.

    Hey happy Canadian Thanksgiving !
    xo S, Missy D & those cats

  4. Love the poetry of that song - now I have to go hunt for the H&C version...

    It's OK to let go of the shame, it really is. Hugs.

  5. http://makingspacethejourneyout.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/throw-your-arms-around-me/

    Loved that song so much I made a post about it.

    More hugs!!

  6. What a sweet post. Wonder what life would be like if we could go back and alter some of its less uplifting pages ?

  7. What a great picture. Comfy, peaceful feeling
    Benny & Lily

  8. Hmmm, I think we all have those feelings about our past behaviours. Would it make it any better, do you think, if the people who suffered knew that we were sorry? I'm not sure. But it's better to feel remorse than not, even if it is deeply uncomfortable for us. Brave girl for sharing.

  9. Just noticed the photo of you at the top of the sidebar Susan. So lovely! Thank you for featuring Mark Seymour, one of Australia's favourite sons- it was exciting as an Aussie, to see him featured here. Mark has written a book called Thirteen Tonne Theory which he has been reading from on the radio here (I love my radio too, and much prefer it to television).I think you'd enjoy his book.


Hey ! We LOVE comments here at 29 Black Street.
Thanks for stopping by.