heavy boots (part 1)

gorgeous ... June 2012 - from Cavallini's flora & fauna calendar

You cannot protect yourself from sadness
without protecting yourself from happiness

Jonathan Saffran Foer

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others–the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

Jonathan Saffran Foer - Everything is Illuminated

I'm currently reading Jonathan Safran Foer's - Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. I was reminded of the book by recent previews on TV of the upcoming movie starring Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock & some amazing new child star playing the lead character - Oskar

After his father's death in the 9/11 World Trade Centre disaster Oskar begins to suffer a deep sadness, panic, worry, fear & anxiety. He describes these feeling that overcome him, almost constantly, as wearing heavy boots. As I read this book I feel like I know Oskar really well.

On Tuesday afternoon I had to go to Dr. Fein. I didn't understand why I needed help, because it seemed to me that you should wear heavy boots when your Dad dies, and if you aren't wearing heavy boots, then you need help.

I wear heavy boots too. It's my biggest secret or maybe it's not a secret at all. Sometimes I think they're getting heavier & this brand new year I want more than anything to lighten them.