heavy boots (part 2)

gorgeous ... October 2012 - from Cavallini's flora & fauna calendar

The only way to overcome sadness is to consume it

Jonathan Saffran Foer

"I'm feeling everything". "This emotionalness of yours, does it affect your daily life?" "Well, to answer your question, I don't think that's a real word you used. Emotionalness. But I understand what you were trying to say, and yes. I end up crying a lot, usually in private. I get panicky. I'm not very good with people". "What do you think is going on ? " "I feel too much. That's what's going on". "Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?" "My insides don't match up with my outsides." "Do anyone's insides and outsides match up ?" "I don't know. I'm only me." "Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside." "But it's worse for me". " I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him." "Probably. But it really is worse for me."

Jonathan Saffran Foer - Incredibly Loud & Extremely Close

It's the new year, fresh & empty & waiting before me, reading this incredible book created by someone who's written out so many of my thoughts in such a beautiful eloquent way and of being mildly obsessed (as is my nature) with choosing "one little word" to guide me, to be my mantra this new year has me, once again, paddling out into the deeper waters. It's OK though, I'm wearing my bright orange life jacket & I'm not at all afraid. I'm just curious ... very curious.

& determined.

I know this process of mine, thick & sticky as it may be at times, works. Not all thinking & feeling is bad, the secret is discerning the bad kind from the good - a bit of trial and error at the best of times. Over the last few years it feels as if I've managed to almost rid myself of some big, clinging feelings-Ache, Sadness & Despair but somehow by mistake they've turned into more Fear. An emotion which for the most part feels fairly quiet & tame by comparison. But perhaps more dangerous in the long run. It's a different beast, requiring different tactics because tactics are, of course, necessary (wink). I know I can't completely rid myself of Fear, that's not the goal. But Fear is holding me back at a time when I want to go at top speed. It is - heavy boots.

The secret was a hole in the middle of me
that every happy thing fell into

Jonathan Saffran Foer

My long short list of one little words initially had much more to do with mad Creative Empire building, which is my ultimate goal & focus (or so it seems) - that list a mostly dull, predictable gang of create, focus, believe, produce, begin, make, engaged, shine, do, blah, blah, blah. The more I thought about it. "It" being the one thing, the one word, that would help me - grow & develop, feel happy & proud - the most, this brand new shiny year it is without a doubt lessening my fear. Being brave, taking risks, believing in good, being me, seeing good ... oh, I could go on.

So ... another short list of words began tumbling around in my brain - beginning again with the obvious - fearless, brave, courage, lighten, fly, lightness ... & in the end I stole Ali Edwards word. I know she won't mind. it's Up !

uh ! huh !! Up ! Up ! Up ! Up ! Up !

Up | ready, eager, open, awake, into a happy mood

Up, up, up we go