pink tulips on a sunny windowsill
attachment ... or lack there of ... non-attachment - that's the third word.
I do a lot of thinking while Miss D and I stroll around this village in darkness (although I am supposed to be living in the moment while on our walks I forget often and allow my mind to become busy) and one of those days in between Christmas and the New Year as we walked along the gravel path that edges our little harbour I decided that there were three words that I needed to think about this new year. Instead of the usual long list of resolutions, goals, dreams and to-dos - I would create instead a theme for this year and you know the saying - less is more. So I chose three words.
Mindful, giving and non-attachment.
Then my middle aged brain promptly forgot the third word and try as I might for days I could not remember what that last concept, the third theme and word for this new year was. It came back to me yesterday.
Attachment ... and the letting go of it ... in all aspects of my life.
Mindful, giving and non attachment. Less attachment, I think I'll begin with less 'cause non seems like an awfully big stretch, to everything. To feelings, to dreams and goals, to the things that fill this old brick house, to things people say, to mistakes that I make, to where I live and to who I think I am. We often become attached to negative things and emotions like habits, some strange security blankets draped over us and we begin to define ourselves by them ... sadness is one of those attachments for me. I feel like I've always been sad, in different degrees over the years and certainly this past year as sad as I can imagine I'll ever feel - learning to live without my big red dog Jake. A dog who epitomized all the love I've ever wanted or needed. ... I honestly don't know who I'd be without my pal Sadness, my shadow who's been hanging around with me for as long as I can remember.
But this year I'm determined to find out who I could be ... who I really am.
I guess I'm thinkin' this year - go big or stay home.
I'm bobbing around again ... w-a-y out there in the deep dark water but it feels like I have a life jacket on. It's pouring rain and +10 here this early morning. Miss D's snoring, all the cats are sleeping on the bed and Mama's going downstairs to get a fresh mug of coffee.
I understand "this strange security blanket" of the illusions we construct that we think define us. It's interesting to read this this morning as I was thinking of this yesterday off and on...thinking of how we have to throw all that off and really look for the authentic person that we ARE. There are so many past people and experiences that try to define us and that we have allowed to define us, it can be very difficult to throw that "blanket" off.
ReplyDeleteSusan, I've always lived with a bit of sadness, too. Some people just seem to be born with it. Of course, it comes and goes in varying degrees. I don't think it's irrational, because there really are so many things in this world to be sad about. But, there are also many things to be happy about. I guess it depends on what you are focusing at any given moment. It seems that, on some days, one dominates and on other days the other dominates.
ReplyDeleteI do know people who become so idenitfied with the negative parts of their personalities that it literally becomes who they are. They simply would not know how to function without that negativity. So, "detaching" oneself from those things are vital. But some "attachment" is good, I think. I'm thinking of the attachments to love, to kindness, to the parts of oneself that are unique, to faith, to hope. Big thoughts on a cold afternoon!
ReplyDeleteWhat's gotten to me most this last year, actually for the past couple of years or so, is that I'm not normally a sad or anxious person. I've had all of this shit heaped on me, and it's been a struggle to deal with it and stay upbeat. I guess that is the true test, though; anyone can smile in the sunshine.
ReplyDeleteI think this is our year, Susan. I think 2009 is the year to find out who we really are. And I think it will be big.
"But this year I'm determined to find out who I could be ... who I really am."
ReplyDeleteI wish you well on your journey and thank you for letting us in on the journey.