terracotta gardens

tangled, lush & hidden

I tease MLou. I tell her 29 Black Street is my Grey Gardens. I actually haven't seen the HBO movie or the earlier documentary about the two Edies (Big Edie & Little Edie). I just know snippets of the story. How the Beales, mother & daughter, didn't want to leave their big old grey manse even though the upkeep and maintenance of the house far exceeded any ability or affordability on their part. Kinda crazy women living in their own rich imaginary world. A world which seemed to them, completely safe, secure, & comforting. Sounds idyllic to me. MLou reminds me that water poured through a hole in their roof, raccoons were living in a guest room and the two Edies went hungry much of the time. Oh.

It's hard for me to imagine leaving my terra cotta gardens because I can't yet picture myself any other place and I have tried. But at the same time painting rooms, worrying about endless necessary repairs, attempts at jungle taming, the cost of heating an old draughty house - all constant requirements, and all things I don't enjoy doing nor can I afford most of it. Even if I could afford to hire someone to help, handy men are virtually extinct in these parts. I've spent all my life fixin' places up ... I'm tired of doing it and doing it mostly by myself. I need to move, I have to move and I don't want to move ... how's that for a can of worms ?

My personal cavalry arrives tomorrow - my guardian angel, fairy godmother, best friend and her kind, sweet husband L. who's also really smart - he's a Geophysicist and I like saying that ! scientists are my rock stars (I've been saving up all my big science questions for him in a separate jar - the science jar). We (yep that would be the royal we) are putting a new beautiful chocolaty brown, wide plank, laminate floor throughout my expansive downstairs - living room/dinging room and kitchen. Those creamy almond walls are goin' be singin'. It's all MLou's doing, she's just taken this life of mine by the hand and said come on you - we're goin' this way. I like her an awful lot so it's been hard for me to keep diggin my heels in - although I know she would beg to differ and tell you that there's been plenty O' heel diggin on my part. Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have a ton of design work here at the teak topped desk - work life and personal life are colliding with a bang for a week or so - this is part of what has made me feel so anxious (in truth I'm anxious, on some level, all the time). I can handle mild multi tasking, but I am a perfectionist (and not at all proud of it, in fact my goal is to eventually shake that handle) and I need time and space and my plan and the planets to all be lined up just so to complete any given task the way Mama sees fit. Don't go throwin' no wrenches in my carefully thought out regimented plan(s) and for damn sure don't go making me rush ... not to mention ...

What will those home reno elves eat ? what about their guest room preparations ? what about the scaredy cat animals who live here like Winnie, Gus & Bleet and that darn chop saw ? What about the fireworks ? (they hate them it scares them) What if one of them escapes in fear ? What if I never find them again? What about all my design projects ? What if my brain goes dead ? What if I never have another great creative idea ? ever ? did I mention what will I cook ? what will we eat ?
oh oh, can you hear them ? the alarms are goin' off. The circuits are goin' to blow. Run !!!!!

Anyone who knows Anxiety on a personal basis knows it's like finding yourself suddenly on an eight lane freeway going way faster then you ever thought you could or ever wanted to and you can't see any exits. It's why a lot of people drink and take drugs, I foolishly gave both up years ago. It makes you feel tired & exhausted - for years I've had an expression - take a trip and never leave the farm.
I used to think it was funny, but not so much anymore.

Turns out Mama's wound pretty tight (at times she says in her defense)
More true confessions from Terra Cotta Gardens