freedom

blues (background) - 9x13 - acrylic on paper - Susan Black

The secret of happiness is freedom.
The secret of freedom is courage.

Thucydides

My inside self has never felt bold or brave, in fact my inside self has never really aspired to either. Always perfectly happy to hang with my introverted self and a good book. I remember clearly as I reached the end of my time at art college and was about to embark on my career as a graphic designer, I hoped & dreamed of rising high in my field, of become a shining star maybe one day an art or creative director but also somehow remaining a back ground person - a back stage person, not ever having to be that pitch person. Unfortunately it's an unlikely combo and I ended up struggling through many high profile jobs, making presentations, public speaking, even managing a staff of eight (eek!) for a time and none of it ever felt courageous on my part, I felt no inner satisfaction for accomplishing these achievements because it was never really me.

I have battled a kind of social anxiety, a panic of limelight, an avoidance of crowds of more than 2 or 3 for as long as I can remember ... and I've always felt bad about it. Shame. That there must be something wrong with me. Anxiety & panic frosted with shame. A lovely concoction.

This courage I'm feeling more and more of each day is the almost unconditional acceptance of my inner self. Wait ... not just acceptance but admiration ... possibly even love*. Finally. It's very exciting, it's such a relief. It is freedom & I feel like I am worthy of this new found peace. Trying to be someone else has been completely exhausting.

The ironic thing is the more I've accepted my true introverted inner me the braver & bolder my creative endeavours are becoming. When ya think about it - that sure does make a lot of sense !

To be free is to achieve your life

Tennesee Williams

*love - I have to mention that darn Prince of mine who has shown me that I am "to be" completely adored ;-)