certainty

hydrangea

We turn not older with years,
but newer every day

Emily Dickinson

Early last night, while tucked into the nest of down & flannel, a cup of orange pekoe, a cat and my new great book I stopped to ponder (ya know I love to ponder) the day, the year ... my life. It occurred to me that my dreams & goals, wishes, desires & hopes haven't really changed much in almost 20 years, since I made the big move from the big city back to the ocean and back to a more rural existence. I've always wanted a simple tiny life. One with a garden, trees, dogs, cats, the ocean, quiet, nature, stars, books, darkness. In the time this blog has existed (nearly 4 years) I came to realize, rather late in life, that I also wanted - needed a partner in this life I'd so meticulously conjured up. Someone to share & love this tiny life with, someone to grow old with.

And oh my, over the past 4 years I've lost my way so many times. I'd forgotten my dreams and often it felt like I didn't care enough to even have a dream. Most things felt pointless to me, I felt smothered in my own sadness, grief & loneliness. Lost. Floundering around in a life half lived.

Not any more ... I'm back on the road of my life and I realize now ... I never really left it, I just couldn't see it for the longest time. I couldn't see who I was or what I wanted & frankly I didn't care. I can't believe how many of the tiny, well imagined, pieces of my big dream(s) are falling into place, have fallen into place. I feel completely blessed. I feel so grateful. I feel certain again.