what ifs

Monday, September 14, 2009

geraniums and I do love red

It's wild and windy here this early morning. Things have calmed down to a dull roar at the teak topped desk. Final deadline details on two projects today, than a wee break Tuesday to deal with the dust bunnies and crumbs, do a little laundry, cook a little something, tidy up the piles and stacks and then back at full speed on Wednesday with brand new projects.

It's sweet your many comments wishing for me a red puppy but it's not the right time and honestly as much as I dream and fantasize about it, about him - I wonder if I'd be OK with a puppy. I worry now that I would be extremely overprotective, overly cautious, frightened and clinging and if it might just be much too hard on a heart that's still not strong enough. If it might not be more love than I feel I can bear. The cowboy's tears stay with me. Recklessly racing through time I wonder could I live through that again ? All the what ifs ? swarming around me, stuck to me and haunting me. I need first, to learn again how to be carefree and confident and I need to learn how to chase those what ifs away - far, far away.

I do feel that I am on my way ... but I know that I still have a long way to go.


  1. Hey, your place sounds just like mine! I have dust bunnies and crumbs and piles and stacks here, too.

    I understand your thoughts about the red puppy. You will know if and when the time comes. It sounds like you and Miss D are doing just fine for the moment (not to mention the furry feline members of the gang).

  2. I think you're right, and I also feel that when you're ready, even if you don't know it, a dog will find you. The universe tends to work that way.

  3. Amazing pics..:) Lovely m'ing!
    Get the puppy soon..;) And leave aside all the 'ifs' and keep moving on dear..there's a lot yet to explore and experience..! The time will tell you when its right..:)
    Keep writing..:)

  4. Well, on the one hand I wanna say 'Get the puppy!', but on the other hand, I know what you're saying. Maybe you just need to wait a little longer. I think you are a very strong person - but maybe you've lost sight of that? I feel the same way every time we get a new pet: "Can I go through that again?". I guess I counter that with "I know I can give this animal, who is already here on the planet, a warm and loving home." That's my logic, Susan! It's gotten me more than one critter I wasn't expecting. LOL! Anyway, I think a red puppy is in your future, I'd be willing to put money on it. :) xox Pam

  5. I do understand. It took us a year and a half before we were ready after our furry broken hearts. But when we got Edward, and then Apple...who was all puppy by the way...we wondered why we'd waited. Of course, if we'd jumped earlier, we would have most likely missed Edward...which is unthinkable.....so fate is a tricky thing!

  6. sometimes it is just the dream or longing of something that keeps us going. i've often heard people who have lost a pet and then gotten a puppy say they wish they had done it sooner. it will take me a good while to feel like i can get another dog without having guilt over presley. it's like by getting another dog i would be forgetting him or saying he didn't matter. the feeling is hard to put into words. i know that i have loads and loads of love to still give and it would be a shame to not share that love with a dog who needed a good home and to be loved. i know you have that kind of love to give as well. and, you certainly deserve to receive that wonderful unconditional love from another puppy. trust your heart to lead you to the answer, susan. you can't go wrong there.


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