participation

from the crescent beach / cosmos bright lights part of a mixed bouquet from the garden & Oliver hard at work in the background - he's conceptualizing / the Prince high up on the ladder painting trim & getting 29 Black ready to sell / heavy dew - devil's paintbrush gone to seed (from the dandelion family) / seaside greens / an especially big ship and the ramp down onto dingy beach / oh my ! my sunflowers - they are spectacular / that big ship leaving port taken from my studio window + spectacular sunflowers / morning glory love / I must always live beside the sea / my poplars at the end of Water Street in summer they create the most wonderful canopy of green, rustling leaves

You have to participate relentlessly in 
the manifestation of your own blessings. 
Elizabeth Gilbert

In an ongoing, but recently cranked up, effort to make having a fit mind, body & especially spirit part of my daily routine every early morning I have a bit of a power walk (with my camera Canon G12 in tow of course). After I've had my stroll with Miss D and before I have my breakfast. It's the secret to successful exercise - do it as early in the day as possible. At low tide, a good  8 months of the year (maybe less) I'm able to walk laps up & down the crescent beach, listening to gentle waves and seagulls - my absolute favourite I usually walk for 40 mins to an hour.

Girlfriend's of mine, Deb & Carol, have been going to free fitness classes offered here in the village each Wed & Fri mornings, Zumba (yes I did say Zumba) highly choreographed* aerobics to music and Pilates (also to music) to great music! In an effort to leave my bubble house more often and to participate in activities with actual human beings I decided to join them. This week I had my first 2 classes and I think it's going to be a very good thing - two of my fav songs from each of those classes below, from the cool down portion of each class, also a favourite part ;-) 2 Canadian gals Feist & Jan Arden.

* me and choreographed anything is hilarious but it's OK also to flail & jump & dance which is mostly what I do at Zumba ;-) 

beautifully, hauntingly

brand new hydrangea / I love this cat more than words could ever say - he is comfort in a small domesticated mammal / hot red pink Phlox and my best girl Winnie Darn Dixon / oh my wild & tangled mini garden & those towering gorgeous sunflowers a mix of varieties / LOVE orange coneflower / little ceramic houses in the window of Monty's Emporium of GoodNess for our K Maggie Rose / down low in the early morning dew / Eaton Park, steps from our front door, with benches set up for music on the main stage / bright lights cosmos adoration / me & my girl stepping' out / more bright lights & more orange loveliness / perfect, pure white new hydrangea blossoms

The things we fear the most 
have already happened to us
Robin Williams

I'm still thinking about Robin William's death by suicide, not obsessively so - it's just on my mind the way something is on your mind when you're thinking to yourself maybe ... he had an especially bad day or two, maybe even just a few hours of that desperate kind of badness some of us know so well ... Perhaps he tried to soothe that badness with a tonic of his choosing - alcohol, drugs, maybe a cocktail of the two & that tonic then whispered to him - it's OK, you can let go ... it's OK to say goodbye. And maybe if he'd passed on the tonic, or maybe if he hadn't listened so intently to that voice of badness he might still be alive. But he knew, we know, eventually that badness would come back to him, would start up with the endless nattering ... it's all just so sad

or maybe it's not sad at all, maybe it was absolute & complete relief.

why is it when you feel sad, you're drawn to listen to all the beautifully hauntingly sad songs that inevitable just make you feel more sad - it's a kind of sadness I think that feels good, soothing, natural & welcome. This favourite song What is Love by Blue Rodeo (Canadian band) with Sarah McLachlan from what I think may be their best of many, many albums 5 Days in July goes out to my dear friends Moose & Denise in Colorado, honorary Canucks & big Blue Rodeo fans. I betcha they love this sad beautiful song as much as I do. (+ another gorgeous song from the same album - no one wants to be a dark angel).

What is this dream 
That I'll never find
What is this prayer
That's stealing my mind

robin williams

All from this morning's walks, my first with Miss D (omg I love her so much and cherish each day I have with her 'cause I know our days together are winding down) / beautiful stripes of water in the sea / her sweet Wanda Cameron skinny shaggaliciuos legs with yellow wildflowers / sea grass / Winnie Dixon near the Dingy beach with salt boat / amazing & beautiful tiny wave / seaweed / from the boardwalk in Eaton Park / my best girl Dee / nature blows mw away / more from the crescent beach / I love living by the sea / crescent beach silhouette / our Eaton park harbour side boardwalk

There are so many things that I want so
badly to tell you but I just can't  Nina LaCour

How can this happen ? how can someone we perceive to be as so happy, so joyous & full of life just one day give up - they've tried, he's (obviously) tried all he can - I get it. I am so sad that such a bright sparkling person had to finally just give up. But I understand completely the desire to want to check out. I used to believe that depressed people were those grey, drab, can't get out of bed people - but now I know that you can be very depressed and not be grey or drab at all. You can see beauty & joy everywhere, every day and still it's not quite enough. You feel like to don't fit, can't fit and are so tired of trying to make yourself  fit - it's exhaustion that wins out - you just want to slip away, undetected, quietly. Bless you sweet Robin Williams - by this very tragic final act you have helped so many people, you have changed the face of depression & this will help lots of people. I know it's helped me already, it's helped me with acceptance

One of my favourite songs ever - and as much as I strain & push against the love & patience of my Prince, my Doug with my own struggles with depression I know he wants only to give me  - everything I've ever wanted - how can that not be enough?

I will give you everything
That you've ever wanted
With this promise
I will bring you home again

tenderness

nasturtium + bee bum = LOVE / Winnie & Bleet in Nessie's new favourite lunching spot on the from porch / sigh - cosmos / Itty Bitty Betty loves to garden / wild tansy / more front garden black pine bark & lichen love / nasturtiums again in the elementary school kids garden planted by Jen / truth in advertising - messy, messy office with hard working, as always, Creative Director Oliver) / more wild tansy / spirea ? there are so many varieties - Dianne ? Rachel ?? John ? / nasturtiums / the black velvet chiclet NessieNess coming to meet Miss D and I / it's tansy day here at 29 black street / the view coming down Black Street toward the water with greeter IBB (Itsy Bitsy Betty) / gorgeousness

When we honestly ask ourselves which person(s) in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advise, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle hand and a tender heart. 
Henri Nouwen

I sure do get weary
'cause tenderness is always what I'm looking for.

& sadly I'll confess tenderness is always my expectation. I say sadly because everything I read suggests that by having expectations, especially expectations of tenderness I am setting myself up for continual disappointment & sadness. I'm having such a tough time letting go of the feelings to not have expectations I wrestle with this idea daily ... hourly sometimes. I wrestle with it intensely & seriously because I know in my far too very tender heart that this is the key to saving myself.

expect nothing
appreciate everything