restoration

beautiful light - 2009 Cavallini Butterfly calendar on the door to the chocolate brown bedroom

restoration - renewal, revival, or reestablishment

The monotony and solitude of a quiet life
stimulates the creative mind
Albert Einstein

A good friend of mine and I used to while away many a Friday evening here in this old brick house over drinks and heavy duty, deep conversation - my absolute favourite kind of chat. She used to often say that life is like a funnel, it narrows as you get older. Narrows in a good way.
It, your life, becomes more fine tuned, lean & spare. We learn, with the gift of age & the wisdom of experience, to discard with confidence so many things we grow up assuming we'll eventually embrace. We spend the bulk of our years discovering what we need & what we want. What makes us feel happy & content. We become clearer and clearer about all the things we don't need, what we don't want - ideally we come to know, accept & love our selves ... for who we are. Unconditionally.

That's my goal, it's a kind of restoration project, one I'm always working on - we're working on.

Since meeting Doug (the Prince of All Good Things ;-), falling in love, knowing 18 months later than we're in this together for the long haul I've been able to think of my next chapter, our next chapter, the two of us and our ever growing menagerie of animals (who really run this joint) in a completely different light. We're blue skying, we're funnelling, we're dreaming the big dreams ...

together

A quiet mind cureth all
Robert Burton

the prince, the handy cat ...

the beautiful new archway and the space nearly ready for one entire wall of built ins -sigh

The Prince, the Handy Cat ( his apprentice ) and the brand new archway ...

ready for mudding and taping which was completed yesterday. He (that darn Prince of all Things Good) is doing this living room dining room project in 2 phases (because we use this room every evening for our 29Black Street Every Night is Movie Night presentations). The wall space in the above photos will soon turn into one big unit with drawers and cabinets and shelves and cubby holes - holding TV, amp, turntable, CD player, speakers, DVD collection ... and so on. OMGoodness I'm dancing a jig here just at the thoughts, this is something I have always imagined & desired in this space. I love it when you can put stuff away when you're not using it.

Wish it, picture it, desire it ... and be careful because you just might get it. I can hardly keep track of all the amazing goodness that has appeared in my life this past year - the latest & greatest is - big, sweet Sam. I can finally stop, for now, my obsessive, daily shelter(s) hunting. I have wanted a second dog since dear Piper Belle died in March. Two is a very good number.

Oliver, the handiest cat ever, has been helping Doug all along but he has a special interest in the architectural drawing & planning of les new entertainment centre. While they've been drawing cabinets & shelving I've been drawing giftware + home decor stuff for a new customer - hooray !!

books, books & more books

the current bedside pile, all from the library (except one*) and the last fat pink buds of peonies

The Spectrum - Dean Ornish
This is Where I Leave You - Jonathan Tropper
Curtains : Adventures of an Undertaker in Training - Tom Jokinen
Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude - Emily White
Born on a Blue Day - Daniel Tammet
Curiousity - Joan Thomas
Autobiography of a Face - Lucy Grealy
Notes from a Big Country - Bill Bryson *
If you haven't read Bill Bryson be prepared to happily pee your pants ... and he's written sooo many books. Hooray !

and two new cookbooks from the library (no photos)

Baked: New Fronteirs in Baking - Matt Lewis & Renato Poliafito
My French Kitchen : A Book of 120 Treasured Recipes - Joanne Harris

* this book borrowed from the vast & complete Bill Bryson library found at MLou's house

v is for ...

yellow tulips (last year's crop) from the terracotta gardens of 29 Black Street

V ... is for vignette(s)
&
V ... is for very happy

Another day drawing here at the *TTD. Things (design things especially) ... they are a cookin'. I'm off to the lands of bubbles & scent (my new fav and another patchouli blend) and then a lovely walk with the sisters as the sun comes up.


chocolate brown guest room

courage

from the terracotta gardens of 29 Black Street - blazing red oriental poppies & deep pink peonies

Hey there Spring ... we've been waitin' on ya
and a few thoughts on being brave

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tzu

Promise me you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.

Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

love, fear & copper fin pipe

a brand new copper coil for our Miss Saturn (she's developed a bit of a crush on the cowboy)

Courage is not the absence of fear,
but the mastery of it.

Unknown

And that would be the big, huge, all encompassing, never before felt - love (not toward a human being anyway - canines and felines have always been exempt from that particular embargo, of course). Love's best friend Fear is constantly nattering away at me, often in a voice so quiet it's almost imperceptible be careful he whispers why ? I sometimes think to sass back You may get hurt he replies. And the butterfly's begin to play in my stomach. Fear's right, I know that. Nothing is for sure, there are no guarantee's erggh how I hate those words but I've chosen, this time, to try Brave, to have Courage in love after such a long time of holding most of my love so tight to me it felt like it was killing me - how incredibly lovely this feels to let it out ... all of it, gushing, pouring, spreading. Maybe this flood of love will drown Fear ... I hope so.

Oh and shiny new copper fin pipe - my high efficiency Saturn boiler - she has a brand new coil. It was installed yesterday after many days of intense planning and deliberation. Installed with as much love, care and blinding intelligence as I've ever known. No wonder I feel so much intensity he, my cowboy, makes me feel weak I love him so and I feel stunned with gratitude - everyday, every day ... every moment it seems.

This beautiful old brick house now has one perfect efficient heating system and she is filling with love from the ground up. Merci Universe Merci.

We're in the midst of a winter storm this early morning, blizzard conditions, zero visibility and the like. The cowboy and the beautiful brown hound are tucked safely in their white farm house just across the bridge waiting for the squalling snow to stop and he and I shared a cup of coffee and a phone chat just after 5am. Sigh.


ain't she a beauty ?

december thrills

the black velvet chicelet Bleet and Miss Winnie Dixon in the sunny chocolate guest room

wind, ice, cold and snow
coffee and morning chatter by the woodstove
Belgian chocolates
CBC radio 1
blustery
crazy about him
drawing 'til 3pm at the TTD
walking in golden crusty hayfields with the sisters
wrapped up well in down and fleece
tea and beer back by the fire
kissing frosty moustaches
dinner at 29 Black Street (rice vermicelli with spring rolls)
baguette chunks spread with Camembert
movie night Das Boot the directors cut - ordered from amazon
turns out we both have a thing for submarine movies
snuggled together on the sofa
a fire glowing in the fireplace
and crazed, wild, gnashing dogs (Piper Belle & Bess) wrestle and play
while Miss Dixon sleeps with her head on the cowboy's lap
a bedtime walk around this sleepy village which is a twinkle with Christmas lights

creeper

Virginia creeper

Any day now huge flocks of Starlings will land on this side of the house to eat the berries (like small grapes) from our Virginia Creeper vine, ... sending Gussie & Oliver, who will crouch hidden on the other side of the window, into a mad, crazed kitten frenzy.

This red ... just sends me.

Off to walk with Miss D. it's fleece headband and glove weather this morning, there's a cold wind blowing in off the harbour and it sure feels like Autumn.

10am - what began as a chilly morning has turned into an absolutely glorious cloudless, blue sky, sunny fall day. I'll putter around outside this morning and after lunch our (Missy D & my) best girlfriends Deb & Maggie Sue will arrive for our weekly Sunday afternoon stroll around this little village. I watched Drain the Ocean on the Discovery Channel last night (previously taped on my combo VCR/DVD player) - a 2 hour documentary with amazing computer animation of what the ocean floor would look like if we could drain away the water - Wow ! and by drastic contrast my new favourite TV guilty pleasure show ... King of the Crown - Bizarre !

unsettled

four loves - insects, beautiful illustrations, Cavallini and pre dusk golden light

Change is never easy.
You fight to let go.
You fight to hold on.

Daniel Stern - The Wonder Years

It's all I think about these days. I might not mention it as often here mostly I think because the whole subject causes me so much confusion. I have never experienced such push pull feelings. I love this place, this village by the sea, it has become my extended nest. It's where I hide away safely from the rest of the world. It's familiar and easy and this once very brave girl has become frightened of a bigger life. I feel lonely daily but I convince myself otherwise. I feel envious and filled with regret much of the time. I feel trapped and yet I'm hanging on for dear life. I don't know what to do ... and all of my life, since I was very young, I have been taking care of me and doing a pretty good job of it. Making the big decisions, leaping bravely off cliffs, never passing opportunity by, forging ahead into the unknown, often with trepidation but always combined with a deep curiosity and wonder. With confidence and assurance. I'm not sure what happened to her ...
I wonder often where did she go ?

This house is too big for me to look after, as much as I love it, it needs big maintenance and constant expensive repairs. The yard which is enormous is gradually becoming a tangled forest of green which is threatening to swallow this old brick house whole. I don't know how to stop it and I can't afford to hire the people who do know how. I know I can't let that happen - but it's gotten far beyond what I can do, what I want to do. But yet I stand still ... not knowing what to do.

I feel frozen, at a complete stand still, and although my days, especially these summer days are often filled with peace, beauty and real joy (for which I feel tremendously grateful), I do feel satisfaction and accomplishment on a regular basis, two things which always are essential and important for me to feel ... yet the underlying current of my life feels - unsettled - and it never goes away. It nibbles constantly at my contentment and it casts it's dark shadow over my attempts to live in the moment.

For everything you have missed,
you have gained something else,
and for everything you gain,
you lose something else.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

oh shut up Ralph ... that's so helpful. Sigh.

Check out Alice in Paris Loves Art and Tea a blog about art, life and the goings on in and around the city I think, I just might ... want to move to.

A note on tiny red puppies. They have arrived. 7 boys and 2 girls and I am not getting one this year but I am going to have a little red puppy in my new life ... just not yet. I hope you're listening M. Universe - I am going to have a little red puppy.

terracotta gardens

tangled, lush & hidden

I tease MLou. I tell her 29 Black Street is my Grey Gardens. I actually haven't seen the HBO movie or the earlier documentary about the two Edies (Big Edie & Little Edie). I just know snippets of the story. How the Beales, mother & daughter, didn't want to leave their big old grey manse even though the upkeep and maintenance of the house far exceeded any ability or affordability on their part. Kinda crazy women living in their own rich imaginary world. A world which seemed to them, completely safe, secure, & comforting. Sounds idyllic to me. MLou reminds me that water poured through a hole in their roof, raccoons were living in a guest room and the two Edies went hungry much of the time. Oh.

It's hard for me to imagine leaving my terra cotta gardens because I can't yet picture myself any other place and I have tried. But at the same time painting rooms, worrying about endless necessary repairs, attempts at jungle taming, the cost of heating an old draughty house - all constant requirements, and all things I don't enjoy doing nor can I afford most of it. Even if I could afford to hire someone to help, handy men are virtually extinct in these parts. I've spent all my life fixin' places up ... I'm tired of doing it and doing it mostly by myself. I need to move, I have to move and I don't want to move ... how's that for a can of worms ?

My personal cavalry arrives tomorrow - my guardian angel, fairy godmother, best friend and her kind, sweet husband L. who's also really smart - he's a Geophysicist and I like saying that ! scientists are my rock stars (I've been saving up all my big science questions for him in a separate jar - the science jar). We (yep that would be the royal we) are putting a new beautiful chocolaty brown, wide plank, laminate floor throughout my expansive downstairs - living room/dinging room and kitchen. Those creamy almond walls are goin' be singin'. It's all MLou's doing, she's just taken this life of mine by the hand and said come on you - we're goin' this way. I like her an awful lot so it's been hard for me to keep diggin my heels in - although I know she would beg to differ and tell you that there's been plenty O' heel diggin on my part. Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have a ton of design work here at the teak topped desk - work life and personal life are colliding with a bang for a week or so - this is part of what has made me feel so anxious (in truth I'm anxious, on some level, all the time). I can handle mild multi tasking, but I am a perfectionist (and not at all proud of it, in fact my goal is to eventually shake that handle) and I need time and space and my plan and the planets to all be lined up just so to complete any given task the way Mama sees fit. Don't go throwin' no wrenches in my carefully thought out regimented plan(s) and for damn sure don't go making me rush ... not to mention ...

What will those home reno elves eat ? what about their guest room preparations ? what about the scaredy cat animals who live here like Winnie, Gus & Bleet and that darn chop saw ? What about the fireworks ? (they hate them it scares them) What if one of them escapes in fear ? What if I never find them again? What about all my design projects ? What if my brain goes dead ? What if I never have another great creative idea ? ever ? did I mention what will I cook ? what will we eat ?
oh oh, can you hear them ? the alarms are goin' off. The circuits are goin' to blow. Run !!!!!

Anyone who knows Anxiety on a personal basis knows it's like finding yourself suddenly on an eight lane freeway going way faster then you ever thought you could or ever wanted to and you can't see any exits. It's why a lot of people drink and take drugs, I foolishly gave both up years ago. It makes you feel tired & exhausted - for years I've had an expression - take a trip and never leave the farm.
I used to think it was funny, but not so much anymore.

Turns out Mama's wound pretty tight (at times she says in her defense)
More true confessions from Terra Cotta Gardens

hiding

painting supervisor

Checking for spots that need touch ups, keeping me company and every now and then busting out into a little parkour action - he must keep on practicing because Madge might call at any time. My most excellent cat - my comfort & joy, my little shadow - sweetest Oliver

The skies are dark and grey, the wind is whipping through the tree branches, rain has just begun, the air is much cooler and it's a stormy early morning here in this little village. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Anxious and afraid. Too much going on in my quiet, safe and little insular life. I can handle a lot, I've had to over the years - to just deal with stuff as it comes along but that doesn't mean I don't dread much of it, that I don't close my eyes and hope for the time when it, whatever big bad it it might be, will all be over. There's only so much room on my anxious plate and if it becomes too crowded on that plate I freeze up and panic. Panic turns into sadness and fear. I become inactive, exhausted and I shut down. All those little things (and they are mostly little things) become monsters in my head, they pile up onto each other, into a tall menacing beast of too many little things. And I don't know what to do. So I try and hide as best I can and wait ... until this storm passes. It's how I've spent a good part of my life, layin' low, hiding, waiting for the next storm to pass.

I can wear fleece today - hooray

MLou (who's due to arrive Wed - July 1st along with husband L. and their caravan of love and tools and perfect companionship) has just removed a giant wedge of anxiety pie from my plate. She's shuffled things around a bit ... moved that one little thing over just a titch and suddenly my plate looks different. Things feel calmer, she's managed to make everything seem OK again. She's worked her best girlfriend magic, she understands me, she tolerates (even embraces) all my weirdness & foibles. I feel blessed and grateful. Now I must get back to work at the teak topped desk ... there are deadlines a loomin'.

bedside

bedside vignette - the much loved nest of down and flannel

REMEMBER–it's the worry you haven't
even thought to worry about–that is the worry
that should worry you the most

The Ruby Redfort Survival Handbook
Clarice Bean - Don't Look Now - Lauren Child

No wonder the nest is my favourite place in the whole wide world.

I wish you could hear the birds in our yard - it is amazing.
this morning is warm, wet, steamy and lush
the harbour is filled with thick fog
things are smokin' here at the teak topped desk
lunch out today at the little cafe across the street from the post office
with Helen - former librarian and thus a tres high profile friend in my world
the pink peonies in our gardens are all bursting in bloom
coffee in bed with a my fat black velvet chiclet curled up beside me

I've been in a wee reading slump. I gave up on P.D. James The Private Patient (just wasn't grabbing me) I need a good book and have been feeling like I need a humdinger, a page turning, heart stopping, well written thriller/mystery -
any suggestions ?

nooks & crannies

bedside

don't do anything ...
and nothing gets done

It wasn't quite that bad

It's grey, and stormy and windy this early morning which suits me and my mood just fine • a weekend of much sighing and feeling sorry for myself - thankfully interspersed with occasional mildly enthusiastic bursts of painting - still much to do • the peonies are all beginning to bloom and the small bouquet by my bed smells heavenly • I also did plenty of nothing this weekend, lots of rest and rejuvenation - at least I'm hoping that's what it was • Sadness & Ache came by for a coffee early Saturday and I could not convince them to leave • I feel lonely and yet I don't want to be around anyone • I identified a small new bird to our gardens and petite forest, it's distinct call has been perplexing me for weeks. A tiny bird which flits and darts quickly and with the leaves fully out on all the trees I could never see them - a pair of Magnolia Warblers. He (I suspect it's the he) handsomely fans and wiggles his tail feathers at his girl frequently and they make a short, sharp Tsssst sound constantly. They're insect eaters so they're not stopping at my feeders but they seem to be enjoying living in our jungle because I hear them chatting with each other all the time • I miss my dog, oh, how I miss him - my big lug of comfort & joy and I wonder ... will I ever stop missing him ? • I have lots and lots of drawing work here at the teak topped desk this week - an ongoing largish project from Customer Uno to finally finish up and 2 brand new, yet to begin projects from another customer • and lots of other stuff in between • I've begun this week's schedule and I must stick to it (says she who seems to repel all musts and shoulds) Sigh ... aahhh my carriage of lavender bubbles and scent awaits.


kitten nook