belated birthday roses from Harry's garden
the key to change
is to let go of fear
Roseanne Cash
Uh Huh ! It's the letting go part I'm having a problem with. In fact I find myself clinging to, rather than releasing, any and all grips I may have had on my life and who I've decided I am - who I thought I was, who I've always wished to be, and even who I might want to become. I'm afraid to let go of fear. It's not a good spot to be in. I do realize that. In a pickle so to speak and I am trying to figure out how to become that easy going, c'est la vie kinda gal. Which reminds me (of course) ... of my dog. It's true ya know Every Thing really does remind me of that dog - Jake
Anyone who's ever known a retriever knows that their personality is affable in spades. When describing the breed it's often mentioned that their best quality can sometimes also be their worst - their extreme overabundance of exuberance - a puppy personality often until middle age and some people find this large bundle of joy just a bit too much. And this particular retriever Jake - from day 1 here at 29 Black Street was happy (always), crazy friendly to one and all (talk about your grand ice breaker) extremely out going, unflappable, up for anything, absolutely fearless Hey whatcha doin? Can I help ? Hey ! Are you goin' eat that ? and/or Hey! why dontcha throw that stick ? his most favourite sayings. He was 76 lbs of LOVE, comfort, happiness and Hey ! come on let's go have some some fun. He was the yin to my yang, my opposites attract, best ever, long term relationship. I fell, almost instantly, deeply and madly in love with my dog.
I guess in the time he's been gone (a year and a half) I've lost much of my own joie de vivre, I don't feel so kooky, and crazy, confident or outgoing and I know that I never feel that deep exuberant, unconditional and constant love, that medicine for my soul. Miss D just doesn't know how to be that way, she's been damaged too. Many people find strength from their relationships, from family, children, husbands and partners - Jake, over 12 years, became my family. It's why I keep talking about him, why I can't seem to move on without him because he gave me so much strength. Strength I always believed was mine ... but come to find out, it seems he took it with him.
I'm sorry I'm drifting a bit with my thoughts this morning, drifting out to sea on some speeding current. On a raft of big, often confusing thoughts. Thoughts of Change, of real Love, Fear and of the great comfort offered by matching neurosis.
It sounds so easy doesnt it, to just let go. But we all know it isnt. But we also know it is possible. Let go of fear while holding on to hope. I think Hope is the key for me, the antidote to fear.
ReplyDeleteSusan, do you think adopting another Golden puppy would bring back your joie de vivre? Or, would it make you miss Jake more? I know that Jake was one of a kind and he will never be replaced. But if goldens in general have that same exuberant quality, maybe it would bring it back in you. Hope that makes sense. You can't change who you are, but your companions can bring out the best part of you... and it sounds like Jake did that.
ReplyDeleteI know for me, I can be brooding and dark... but an upbeat companion can lift me out of it. Maybe you do need a new puppy to do that for you.
Susan - I can identify with you trying to find that joy you had when Jake was with you. I think I had that when my children were little: that unconditional love, the happiness, the feeling that every day was just this fabulous adventure laid out before us. Now mine have grown and are in the middle of flying the coop. There is a void there, an ache for those days. Sophie, our big old husky-shepherd mutt, has helped to fill that void (not completely of course, because those were 'golden days'). She is a confident dog, and somehow, it just rubs off on me. She's a dear happy pal when I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out. And even though she was a gift to my 16 year old, he's nice to share her with me. :)
ReplyDeleteTruly it's Retriever time!
ReplyDeleteTail Wags from ~Moose
and this, too, will pass....
ReplyDeleteI love you, gal! and am praying for answers for you!
Hugs!
I recognize these feelings. I told my husband just other day, as I sat with Edward's fluffy white head in my lap.... I have had many dogs, but none has been closer to me that Edward. He's like all the dogs of childhood rolled into one. I feel for you so much. But, like Judy in ky...I wonder if there is another dog out there who might need you as much as you need him.
ReplyDeleteLove from us all!!
I'm thinking Jake would be sad to think that he took your mojo with him. He knows it's still there inside you, just that it's buried under all that loss and grief. You just gotta get to it. A word about Miss Winnie. While she may not be the same as Jake when it comes to loving every other single human being on the planet, perhaps it's going to take your Joy to bring out her joy. It's a thought to ponder.
ReplyDeleteHang tough.
what a beautiful tribute to a good dog. i was so there with you and i know what you mean...sort of soaking up the goodness of your dog -so abundant as you said - his spilt over and you were the beneficiary.
ReplyDeletei think in the bible when angels appear they always say "dont be afraid". it must be the #1 human tendency to overcome in order to achieve the peace and happiness that i suspect is our intended state of being.
thanks for your kind words recently
dare i say it? i think it's time to get a new puppy. maybe it would be good for both you and winnie d. have courage and take a step toward your fear. any step will do. any step will make you feel better.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) to you my friend! wish i could take the pain and the fear away for you.
Susan, you never need to apologise for anything. It is YOUR blog, do with it what you will. Personally, I love the trips down memory lane with jake.
ReplyDelete"In fact I find myself clinging to, rather than releasing, any and all grips I may have had on my life and who I've decided I am - who I thought I was, who I've always wished to be, and even who I might want to become. I'm afraid to let go of fear."
--Is that ironic? I am the exact same way on a lot of things. We cling to that which is familiar, even fear, than reach for the unknown all too often as we are afraid we will fall and indeed some of us do!!