doing, being

6 from this early morning, hello Autumn ! newly obsessed with cloud filled ocean skies

Now I'm sure that to many what I'm about to say is no biggie. No big astounding revelation - but it is to me. This morning as I sat curled up in the nest of down & flannel sipping my first morning coffee thinking about my day ahead & the new fabulous projects I'm working on it struck me that I cannot think my way through things, I can't think my way to something. Well I can ... and believe me I do. Rumination has been my middle name. But the good things which have been showing up lately are the culmination of me doing, making, slogging, playing, exploring, relaxing ...through & toward every thing in my life. Thinking hasn't really helped me at all. It's a concept I've been pondering for a time now, since reading Eckhart Tolle's book the New Earth I've had many, many, many chats with best friend MLou on this very topic & I would always admit, intellectually, I understood the idea of doing versus thinking - or of being versus thinking but my inner me was always thinking HUH ??? but I like thinking (things to death) I'd say in my whiny voice - it's who I am, it's who I've always been. Turns out that's not at all true.

bye, bye thinking
bonjour doing, being






hydrangeas, Missy D, out into the strait with great blue heron & ahhhhh - the sky

my heart's on fire

chocolate & blue zinnia pattern - digital collage/drawing - 7x13 - Susan Black

You change your life by changing your heart

unknown

In some ways it seems like it's been a terribly slow process, in other ways it feels like it's been happening at the speed of light. oh my, this darn heart is on fire & in so many wonderful ways.

Fan freakin' tastic project(s) at the *TTD. I'm reading the most excellent book - traveling to the Amazon every evening at 9pm. That Prince continues to stun me with kindness & love, the air smells good, the hydrangeas are turning pink, our September weather has been spectacular.

Good things keep coming.

* teak topped desk

freedom

blues (background) - 9x13 - acrylic on paper - Susan Black

The secret of happiness is freedom.
The secret of freedom is courage.

Thucydides

My inside self has never felt bold or brave, in fact my inside self has never really aspired to either. Always perfectly happy to hang with my introverted self and a good book. I remember clearly as I reached the end of my time at art college and was about to embark on my career as a graphic designer, I hoped & dreamed of rising high in my field, of become a shining star maybe one day an art or creative director but also somehow remaining a back ground person - a back stage person, not ever having to be that pitch person. Unfortunately it's an unlikely combo and I ended up struggling through many high profile jobs, making presentations, public speaking, even managing a staff of eight (eek!) for a time and none of it ever felt courageous on my part, I felt no inner satisfaction for accomplishing these achievements because it was never really me.

I have battled a kind of social anxiety, a panic of limelight, an avoidance of crowds of more than 2 or 3 for as long as I can remember ... and I've always felt bad about it. Shame. That there must be something wrong with me. Anxiety & panic frosted with shame. A lovely concoction.

This courage I'm feeling more and more of each day is the almost unconditional acceptance of my inner self. Wait ... not just acceptance but admiration ... possibly even love*. Finally. It's very exciting, it's such a relief. It is freedom & I feel like I am worthy of this new found peace. Trying to be someone else has been completely exhausting.

The ironic thing is the more I've accepted my true introverted inner me the braver & bolder my creative endeavours are becoming. When ya think about it - that sure does make a lot of sense !

To be free is to achieve your life

Tennesee Williams

*love - I have to mention that darn Prince of mine who has shown me that I am "to be" completely adored ;-)

my little world

15 photo from our recent most excellent & stunningly beautiful adventure - sighing always

I thank you God for this most amazing day,
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,
and for the blue dream of sky
and for everything which is natural,
which is infinite, which is yes

e.e. cummings

I thank you God for the incredible beauty & comfort
which surrounds me always everyday in my tiny world
it is the thing, I am convinced, that keeps me sane

hush

a mostly secret, still-a-work-in-progress, tres fun, product design pattern project

the kindest word in all the world
is the unkind word unsaid

unknown

oh those darn words ... be careful because once they're out - they're on their own

the real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place
but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment

Dorothy Nevill

Lately I'm so loving silence
I'm keepin' on, keepin' on
just doing the best I can

rolling in the

another original child collage is leaving the nest & off to the lovely lands of Denmark - merci !

deep ... deep, very deep
It took me awhile to really hear the ache in this song
& now I can't hear anything else

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
and you played it to the beat

Adele

todays haunting earworm

on the edge

dandelion forest

always on the edge .. of something

I'm on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth
I'm on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment with you

Lady Gaga

earworm

truth

stand tall & proud, learn to love who you are, stop trying to be someone else, accept the lulls

speak the truth
even if your voice shakes

tidbits

white phlox thrives near the driveway - I look daily for my friend the little white spider

oh thank goodness - my moon's in Pisces - phew !! + hooray !!

I gave up on The Hunger Games with 60 pages to go - just not my cup of tea but can't wait to begin Ann Patchett's State of Wonder tonight - you can hear her interviewed and reading from the book here at another favourite CBC radio 1 show - The Next Chapter's site

I feel like creative opportunities are raining down on me - it's wonderful. I'm trying to choose carefully, to be smart about it & most important of all to not become overwhelmed with too many ideas, my own passion & the challenges - often good things can be overwhelming.

I am not addicted to the internet - another phew !! (truth be told my score was close ;-)

speaking of which ... a few of my favourite, current everyday haunts

oh joy
design lovefest
sf girl by bay
elise blaha
for me for you

and then all the fabulous places they lead me ... I find myself completely lost (far too often) in that world of creative goodness but I must get a handle on it. Productivity & prolificness are my goals always + dear internet you do get in my way, however much I love & adore you.

adore ?? oh my how I love my pinterest ... what ever did I do before I had you

& knowing without a doubt that I am cherished & loved ... how fantastic is that feeling ?

great ads - so hopelessly stuck in my head - girls on film g-i-r-l-s * o-n * f-i-l-m

battling the beast

butterfly & caterpillar - Cavallini calendar - June 2008 - I do so love my Cavallini

Come to the edge, He said
They said, We are afraid
Come to the edge, He said
They came
He pushed them ...
and they flew

Guillaume Apollinaire

blue cloudless skies, favourite cbc radio shows, a slight chill in the air, the sound of seagulls, the taste of lemon, deep breaths, tracing paper & fine line drawing pens, lead pencil & kneaded eraser, cat comfort & kindness, crisp cotton pillowcases fresh from the line and a book to finish.

ahhhhh ... sunday

best

Miss Winnie Dixon silhouetted by early morning sunshine on the crescent beach

please accept me
I'm doing the best I can

me

I'm learning to say this to myself more & more. These two lines I wish that I could wear as a badge over my heart for people I interact with to read. Oh, they'd remind themselves it's OK she's doing the best she can. I'm telling myself to imagine that others I meet are wearing the same badge ... that they also struggle at times through their own lives & are doing their best.

I had an ah ha moment this week when I really made the connection between anxiety (stress) and sadness. When I feel overwhelmed, intensely worried about something (imaginary or real) it's like a switch flips inside me and I feel sad. Down, depressed, lethargic & unfocused - the
kiss of death for how I really want to be. Because I feel sad I have made the mistake of believing that I actually am sad - when in fact I'm just stressed by something, someone, the week, the day, the moment. For some reason at some point in my life my mind, body, spirit got stuck in a groove of worry, fret, stress & anxiety automatically = sad, depressed & lets throw in a little self loathing for good measure. A stinky kettle of fish indeed. Understanding what I'm really feeling & redirecting those angsty feelings away from that normal well worn groove they so love to spin around in and into a new, much more healthy groove (being nice to myself) is a gigantic leap. Now when this feeling comes over me I know to try & address the stress - to alleviate it any way I can, to treat myself to an activity that I know makes me feel relaxed, to give myself lots of extra TLC & to ask those around me to be patient with me ... 'cause I'm doing the best I can.

trying
is exhausting
being
is contentment

me

a weekend of product design, walks with dogs & friends, tea with books & lap cats & a movie

ps to Vicki H. - Bleet's apt. went very well - diagnosis throat or stomach infection. He's healthy, weighs 18lbs + was a bit of a big, black velvet chicelet hit at the vets. No sedation needed, they wrapped him & his talons up in a towel & he graciously decided not to bite them ;-)

sweetness & kindness

sweetness - we've had a bumper crop of sweet peas, the more I cut - the more they bloom

Sweet BleetNess is home heathy & apparently has beautiful teeth + he made a few new friends.

I'm listening to Geneen Roth's latest book on audio CD - Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations about Food & Money. She and her husband lost their entire life savings in the Bernie Madoff scandal she describes the guilt, shame, angst & emotional trauma during the aftermath and the crystal clear realization that they perhaps had been greedy, definitely they had been duped & likely should've known better ... Geneen who has spend most of her adult life very involved in a spiritual, meditation practice, someone who would likely call herself a Buddhist searched high & low for the copy of this wonderful poem that she knew she had tucked away somewhere. She searched & found it knowing that reading it, and eventually memorizing it would bring her comfort ...and ultimate save her. It's a great book (as was Women, Food & God).

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye

Happy Friday !


Nessy Ness apres les vet, sprung from his carrier, plodding around the terracotta gardens

courage my love

grey, still, quiet & incredibly beautiful - Hey ! I live in heaven

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

Chatting on the phone with best friend MLou yesterday, having our usual favourite chat combo of mundane mixed with profound topics, and this quotation came up. A quote that I've known of for years & years but lately it's really beginning to resonate with me, to call to me ... to really mean something to me. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us

I'm about to attempt to put the big, fat, black velvet chicelet Bleetito in a cat carrier to take him to the vet. Yikes. Any attempts at persuading Bleet to do anything he doesn't feel like turns him instantly into a powerful panther like creature with 10 deadly talons and no shame when it comes to ferociously biting the hand that feeds him. Sigh. I think he may have a sore tooth & I'm worried he might be in pain. He's not a creature I've taken to the vet often, because of his semi feral, wild beast attitude about it all. I had to give him a pill once in his 12 years living here with us & I'm surprised I wasn't horribly disfigured in the process. He can be a wild cat. I'm scheming a combination of tuna & catnip to get him into the carrier ... wish me luck. My heart is pounding.

It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery
rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness
that would last the rest of our lives.

Marianne Williamson