those Fears

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

sweet and tres handsome oliver - design assistant - dans his sunny cubicle

Ultimately we know deeply
that the other side of every fear
is freedom.

Marilyn Ferguson

Sometimes those Fears, who all seem to know each other and hang out together, will gang up and then they pile up together like some fancy cheer leading maneuver and form a wall, a wall of dread. I know in my head that Dread isn't real that's it's just an imaginary thing, a thing created completely in my mind, like the drawings that I do here each day at the teak topped desk. But in my heart Dread feels real, Dread feels like I'm about to go on stage. I also know that each of those individual Fears are all fairly small and likely quite easy to overcome - but when piled together they build this impenetrable fortress that always seems insurmountable. Just looking at them, tall and wavering, makes me feel tired and resigned so I bargain with them, I make concessions, I give in to them. I turn my back and I walk away from those Fears ... it feels like the easiest thing to do.

without darkness
Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers.

May Sarton

And les leak report - I called the plumber (the one and only) early yesterday morning, left a detailed message and my phone number and have heard nothing back- which of course is not at all a surprise. I, on my own, have narrowed the problem down to my upstairs bath - wouldn't ya know it - the darn lands of bubbles and scent are givin' me grief. I must say I have enjoyed the last few days of water conservation, the pioneer like carting of water up and downstairs and filling buckets with rain water, of which there was plenty the last few days. I enjoyed the lesson, being reminded of yet another thing in our perfect lives that we totally take for granted. Running clean water at our finger tips, any time and as much as we can pour. I turned the water back on last evening and left it on through the night. I've used my upstairs bathroom sink and toilet with no leaking. I'm about to have a well deserved Tramp bath and we'll see ... I suspect the draining bath just may be the culprit. I do so love it when I leave Helpless Girl far behind me ... in the dust.


  1. Love those kitty pictures...what a sweet fellow! I hope you get your plumbing fixed soon.

  2. Such wonderful lazy relaxed cat pictures. I love the wee nubs of teeth just barely visible in the low angles.
    I am glad you have possibly narrowed down the leak. There's always something isn't there:)

  3. Susan,

    Les Leak shall be conquered. You atleast narrowed it down to the tub. Now where do ya go from there? Maybe the seal around the drain, look at the pipes connecting right under the faucets..maybe they are loose or seals old. You can do it...

    Sonia ;)

  4. Been there, done that - got that t-shirt!
    But then, I knowingly married a man who can't use a hammer! :-)

    I adore May Sarton. She writings gave me strength to leave my first (emotionally abusive) husband!

    My Oliver, a black feline hunting machine, is after the goldfinches on our deck.

    Lovely photos!
    /My Muskoka

  5. Hello my sweet friend. First of all, I adore your cat. Cats will always have my heart first. Then I will leave you with a quote, that I myself have been re-reading lately:

    "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." ~Alan Cohen

  6. Oliver knows how to bath properly. Get yourself comfortable in the sun and get licking!

  7. yup.... I think I would be doing an Oliver type wash-up til the leak is point in draining more water onto the ceiling.... it must already be soaked and need repair now too.

    "P.T.A."....( pussy, tits, and armpits ) ... that's what we had to do in the olden days....when water was at a premium.....not in the days of Adam or anything, but even in the 60's when hot water tanks didn't heat things up as easily and we were several girls in a family of six...

  8. Your cat made me relax just be looking at him! That's magic. :) As for leaks, you are the Sherlock Holmes of Plumbing...big gold star for getting in there and wrestling with it. I hope it gets fixed soon and you can take a nice long soak. You're so right about what we take for granted. Every time we get a power failure here, I'm reminded of the sweet deal I've been given.

  9. isnt it interesting that you found hauling the water in some way leaves the evil cheerleaders in the dust. being capable, as you are, is a sword chopping away at the wall of fears.

    i noticed during the ice storm the inconvenience of loss of power and light and pumps to the well made me consider the ease of life on a normal day -but the dealing with part of it made me feel triumphant. probably because it didnt last too long -im sure i wouldve gotten tres tired of it after a few weeks!

  10. Good morning, sweet Susan. Thank you for your recent message on my blog. I appreciate it. I have a few good fiction books...actuall a series I started back in IL that i never finished. I will drag that out and get to it!!

    I really liked your post today. I am telling as if we are living the same life sometimes. I TOTALLY feel like that with "dread" and the fears. I feel like I am not strong enough to conqueor these things all on my own. And I am VERY afraid to live the rest of my life alone, too. Dumb, I know. But, at least I am being honest about it!

    LOVE all the kitty photos, but the 4th is my favorite.

    I have some of the artwork I got from you sitting on my desk at work now. Split them between home and work, so I can see you, your work, and the inspiration you are to me.

    Love you TONNES!! Hugs to you and the furry gang. xo

  11. Looks as though Oliver has a pretty nice work environment- sweet photos.
    Your a lovely writer & I so enjoy your blog. Have you ever considered writing a book?

  12. Me, too. I hate it when Helpless Girl lurks around the manor. I enjoy giving her a gentle shove out the front door.

  13. Those are the best, sweetest photos.

    I've got a leak too. Called a plumber yesterday. No call back. Katy and I are due to leave on Saturday! It's the shower head and my neighbor looked at it and said sadly it doesn't seem to be a simple problem. I got the leak temporarily stopped so we're staying clear of that shower. Hope it can wait a week till we get back home.

  14. Susan, you sound exactly like me. The word "dread" describes the fear exactly. Have you read any of Claire Weekes books? You can get them online. She is no longer living, but the books are wonderful. They are all about embracing fear, etc. I really hope you will get them. She was an English doctor who treated these things. They changed my life.

    Also, I really think there may be a physical thing involved. It can be exacerbated by stress, etc., but if your body has an underlying deficiency, some of the new medicines can take away that fear and depression. You would need a real specialist..preferably a psychopharmacologist, who can fine tune your medicine until it works. It takes patience, but it will bring you to peace and tranquility...just like Oliver in today's pictures. Can you go to a larger town and be evaluated? I may be being presumptuous in saying all this, but I really do care. I want you to feel good all the have your moods stabilized, and to be able to do everything you want to do.

    Sometimes we get so frustrated when we pray for help with sleep, with fear, etc., and we don't get an answer...but I believe we will if we wait...and the waiting makes us more dependent on the God that will "never let go of our hands." He really is a good God!

    Think about that medication!

    Love and hugs to you and all the furry ones!

  15. Yes Martha I have been evaluated by someone my own family doctor had wanted me to see for some time. I had two long very satisfying consultations with this Dr. and he felt that medication was not the answer in my case and honestly I already knew that in my heart, but it felt good to have it confirmed . He called what I suffer from a "Depression of the Soul" and I think most of what I feel is both circumstantial and situational "and" a much ingrained habit of negative thinking and anxiety stemming from long, long ago.

    I think therapy will be the best solution and I am in the process of organizing those appointments now - and very much am looking forward to getting some professional help in that area not to mention easing the burden of my wonderful & dear friend MLou who has helped me so much.

    Thank you for your concern & care. I do have a lot of joy in my days and I do hope that that side of me, also comes across here on this blog if not always through my words perhaps through my photos.

    xo from les Gang

  16. Susan, I am so glad you are getting all the encouragement you need from doctors and friends. With MLou, you will make it. It is hard to find the balance in life. You don't seem to write "negatively," at all. You are just "real." And we love you for it. You are do get an amazing joy out of life and spread it around to others.

    The house will sell soon, and you will be in a much less stressful position. Love to the little ones.

  17. Susan, I did not mean for the above comment to be anonymous. I hit the wrong button. Martha

  18. "Depression of the soul". Oh Susan, thank you for so beautifully describing a state my husband battled with.Therapy was suggested, he felt unsure about this but it did wonders, and I mean wonders.I hope this plumbing thing gets sorted for you soon - just to actually know what is wrong will be a relief...and Rachel's comment is so funny, wish I'd thought of it!!

  19. I always thought that JK Rowling's characters, the dementors, were perfect examples of fears and depressions. I also loved it that you could feel better after an encounter with them by eating chocolate.


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