don't think I'm not afraid ...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

more photos from the other side - the other side of the harbour, a golf course and a beach !! 

Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones. Thich Nhat Hanh 

Don't think I'm not afraid ... because it's not true. At times I'm terrified.

I'm sure I can come across like I'm all confident & casual about all the change & transition that's happened in my life over the past few months and I guess at times I am confident & cas or I wouldn't have been able to launch myself, Oliver & Virgil and my CE* (minus the teak topped desk for now) to a brand new place. This was all my doing, all my choice, my plan. To leave my home of 21 years. To leave familiar & safe (?) behind. To start fresh - a new life.

Next week will be mark the 2 month anniversary of my move. How can that be ? it's going too fast. In 4 more months I won't have a home - well maybe, hopefully of course I will have a home, another home but at this moment in time I don't know where that will be and that in itself I realize is the crux of most of my fear.

Having Nested with a capital N for what seems like most of my adult life in one place and now that the novelty of living in lovely Lunenburg fades and becomes the reality of living here ... I have a burning desire to settle in somewhere. To find my new forever home. To really unpack, to grow things, set up my new studio space & have Sam, Itty Bitty & the Prince back in my life everyday.

So many things in life you must learn the hard way. Maybe "hard" is a strong word for this particular situation. Challenging maybe is better word. I'm not a person who's afraid to try things and in trying new things you can't possibly predict how it will feel. Or that it won't result in just one feeling but a whole bunch of feelings that ebb and flow like rushing water, just when you decide you feel one way another feeling comes along and knocks the old feeling out of the way. Which is the true feeling or are any of them true ? I can only trust that that my instincts and my decision making skills are well honed and reliable. Faith, Trust + a little more Faith must be my guides ... but if I let it, Fear erodes Trust & Faith. I'm afraid some erosion is happening.

I wake up every morning in a bed with my cats and all my demons & fears crammed in together. I plod downstairs get my coffee, go back to bed and open my journal and my day planner. Let's deal with today and today only. Gradually each and every morning by writing while still in bed with my coffee and then again here at my 29 Black Street blog. I bargain with those fears, I wrestle with them, I convince them to leave me alone for awhile, just for today ... and they do.

But every night when I go upstairs to bed after a day of living my new life in Lunenburg there they are again, lined up against my pillows like a motley crew of wicked teddy bears waiting for me.

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom Marilyn Ferguson

* Creative Empire


  1. I love that little floating cottage, and isn't the harbour front beautiful? Such wonderful colours! I am like you...back and forth and up and down. I blame it on being a gemini. I hope you will find your "forever/ for a while" new home soon.

  2. Lovely photos dear Susan. I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed since you moved, I do hope you will find your 'forever' home so that you will be able to make a permanent and stable nest where you feel completely secure, with your Prince, Oliver, Virgil, Sam and Itty Bitty Princess Betty.
    I do think you will feel less fearful when you are all back together again. Remember how brave you have been in making this move in the first place, that takes inner strength and courage, please don't let that erosion spoil your happiness.
    Much love, Dianne
    xoxoxo ♡

  3. Oh gosh, Susan, such lucid, brilliant, raw writing. So very you. Yes, I suppose upon an initial read one might surmise that you are fearless but I know you all too well from reading you these 6 years or so. I think you sum it up perfectly. I love everything you write here as in part, I can relate to it too. Well put.

    Love this: "To find my new forever home. " Aside from the fact that you already have your CREATE word for the year, I can so easily see you create a vision- or Pinterest-board on this phrase alone to help picture that home and future whenever those doubts and fears come nagging or even flooding back. Courage and bravery never happens in the absence of fear. You are learning to overcome and reach anew, my friend. :)

  4. Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway. ~ John Wayne


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