torn

my girl Winnie Dixon

Winnies' no better this morning and the more I hunt and research online the more I am beginning to think that it is a left hind ACL injury - a torn or ruptured ligament at the knee. The ligament that attaches the shin bone to the thigh bone. An injury that's very common in dogs (and football players) and one she's already been through on her other hind leg (4 or 5 years ago). The first torn cruciate ligament has healed wonderfully over time (without surgery), no limping or affected gait and the only lasting sign she has today is a thick (calcification) knee cap and an increased likelihood of arthritis in her right back leg.

I've found out (through my research) that it's very common for dogs who've torn the ligament on one side to eventually tear the other side. It is an injury that does happen suddenly and the most telling sign is that the dog will not bear any weight on that foot. The knee has become wobbly and unstable and the dog is not necessarily in much pain, or any pain at all but as you can imagine it doesn't feel right to place weight on a wobbly knee.

Sigh. I had maybe two hours sleep last night and that was with the help of a 2am Ativan (a drug that definitely helps you to fall sleep) only to wake three hours later to the sputtering of my timer set coffee machine feeling as if I'd been asleep for 10 mins. It's a drug that relaxes you but it drastically condenses time - in my experience. I had a million things I needed to do yesterday and I didn't do a one. I'm feeling a little less freaked out about Miss D's injury but times like this I feel as if my emotional life hangs precariously by the thinnest of threads ... and it wouldn't take much to finally snap that thread. As if I can't handle one more thing. My coping vessel is already filled to the brim.

I'm off to the lands of bubbles and scent. Lavender & orange. I've blocked the landing to the stairs to the second floor with chairs because if not Missy D will try to climb them - she really likes to hang near her Mama. She's curled up comfy on the sofa and I must try today to make up time for yesterday's failings. I'll call the vet's office past 9am.

What I'd really like to do is to go outside and lie down in the grass with my girl, stare up at the blue sky and completely forget about the world.

The first big ship of the season is gliding by my studio window on a harbour of glass. The humming of the engine and the familiar clanging as they drop anchor.

update We have an appointment (Miss D and I) this afternoon 2:15 with our favourite vet Diane in the nearest next town a 40 min drive away. Fingers crossed.