Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Hey ! it's Mr. Mr. back when he actually was a very Lil' Man. One of those dud polaroids that becomes kinda beautiful in it's dudliness

I'm up early this morning, having been lying awake and tucked into the nest of down and flannel since 3:30 - stewing, fretting and praying (or chatting) with God or the Universe or my own higher power ... or whoever. I need some help Please. Just help me to be stronger, to feel stronger, to feel safe and secure ... please.
I don't want to feel afraid of life.

Anyway ... I figured by 4:30 am if I was just going to lie there awake (it is the one place that I almost always do feel safe and protected - everyone should have a nest) and stew and occasionally think to take a few deep breaths (which by the way instantly causes the stewing to soften and recede into the background) I might as well be up with a mug of hot coffee doin' my stewin'. So I'm up and dare I say - rarin' (?) to go. Healing bubbles and scent are pourin', a mixture of eucalyptus, lavender, peppermint & rosemary to clear out any remnants of woe. It's another new day, and it feels like I've shed another clinging layer of sadness. It has to come off, it has to come out. I must feel it for it to be gone again. It's a process but Oh when you're in the thick of it ... it feels terrible. There is no feeling worse than ... the absence of hope.

Many thanks for all of your kind and commiserating comments. I think pretending you're someone else adds tremendously to the stress of feeling sad. I don't think I've ever been more myself than I am on this blog ... and that feels very good and it's helping me to see who it is - I really am (without sounding all deep & weird). Wink.

tres grateful for MLou, les Gang and the nest of down and flannel.


  1. Hey, Edward and I are up early, too. A huge storm knocked us out of bed. Thunder, lightning, wind and rain. One of those southern spring storms that make you want to hide in the closet. Dogs in bed with us, all snuggled close. Storms over now, but I'm awake!

    wishing you a good day, Susan!! And love to all the furry ones.

  2. Never, ever, EVER listen to anything that's in your head at 3 or 4 in the morning!! You were right to get up; even though your bed is a nest and a refuge, it also allows your thoughts to run you, without any distraction. And the animals are hopeless at that time too - they just want to zzzz!

    Hopefully today will be better for you.

  3. Shed that sadness darlin'. Makes your skin all itchy.

    Be strong if only for Les Pack. There are too many things out in the world to be sniffed and chased.

  4. Let's make our own bloggers' conference, all of our friends who regularly comment here. I would love to meet all of you. Not a big bloggers' conference where everyone has to wear name tags... just us!

  5. Susan, we have all been in that place of sad deluge.My own opinion is that as we age,we reflect and
    reflection sometimes causes a quite sadness.Let's just hope that
    "this too shall pass" when the weather is warm and sunny and energy returns!Hope you feel better soon!

  6. I feel as you about my nest. Only thing about that is that for the last three years, I've had to leap from my nest at the cranky urging of an alarm clock on weekdays rather than lying there communing with the Universe. I like the morning musings better than the night ones. I find my night plans and thinking are always a little more "manic", more unrealistic, and sometimes slightly grandiose. But in the morning I make more doable plans, have a more realistic outlook about my life and what I can do.

  7. you ARE all deep and wing nut you....hahhaha......

    but, then, some days, aren't we all? ... what a crew hey?

    guess what happened here?.... the wind blew in some more snow, just after me getting all excited about being out raking in short sleeves.... but, then... we know it can do this til ..oh, say, May? or even August for that matter....sigh......

    have a fun and productive day over there 'kay?

    I'm looking at my pic of Oliver that I stole from your blog.... what a sweetie

  8. Hi, how about a cup o tea and a biscuit (do you say biscuit or cookie in Canada?) That always makes me feel better. If only for a moment. I'm feeling a bit like you today. Just wish I was a kid again and I could let everyone else take responsibility for me. Wouldn't that be nice. Someone else to pay the power bill, someone else to go grocery shopping, someone to cook dinner and make you comfy when you're feeling blah. Sigh. Still, I guess if I was a kid I wouldn't be able to choose to eat chocolate whenever I want and stay up till midnight if I feel like it. Its quite good to be responsible for those decisions.

  9. Hope tomorrow will be brighter! Lots of good thoughts comin' your way from Willow Manor!!

  10. You keep being yourself --we love you just for who you uniquely are!

    I had never thought of polaroids as anything special but your picks remind me how lovely they can indeed be over time.

    teh other thing you bring to my mind, is just how much I need a nest of my own too. A place to scurry away. I really don't have that presently. I do, however, pray constantly but a place to jsut snuggle down under covers sounds so good. My bedroom is not set up as such to do that.


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