a 3 dressed up as a 9

Friday, June 7, 2013

weigelia in our back garden / task master- yikes (somebody's got his serious face on;-) / lilac love / handsome, handsome Samuel / icicle radishes I grew myself / the ships are back / collage-a-thin / for Aunt Sally - we have swaths of pale blue forget-me-nots around the yard / a favourite collage of mine / Missy D loves her pack / product ready for the market

Always remember ...
You are braver than you believe
stronger than you seem
and smarter than you think

Winnie the Pooh

I feel a lot of the time like a 3 dressed up as a 9, an imposter - a fake. That voice in my head often babbling away "if only  they knew ... the real me".  I actually feel like my whole life has been a stage, one long & constant performance, I'm playing the part of a confident, self assured, sort of talented, creative, sometimes exuberant, often extroverted, occasionally overly sensitive, now middle aged woman. My name in this many act play is 9 (sometimes it's 10) or at least that's what I tell people ... but my real name is actually 3. 3 is really how I feel most of the time, 3 is who I most relate to.

As my creative business grows and I become more exposed online, the chances have increased that someone might stumble upon this 29 Black Street blog, someone new, perhaps a potential employment gig person and I wonder & hesitate how honest and open I should continue to be about my struggles with anxiety & fear & depression. Like yesterday's video about the demons onboard my own ship. I agree Sybil not a great video but that chapter (9) in the book The Happiness Trap (my latest home psychotherapy) rang so true with me ! I've always been pretty heart-on-sleeve here on this nearly 6 year old blog. My openness though nerve wracking at times in the end has always felt right, & often very therapeutic. Anytime I've exposed that darker side of myself someone has commented that they relate, they thanked me for my honesty because it made them feel not so alone in their own feelings of darkness. I'm beginning to realize and believe that there are big, bad demons on everyones ship, that we're all trying desperately steer our boats to a desired, destined shore and many of us are stuck out at sea sailing around in circles (of fear) oh my ... what I relief it is to realize that.

Yesterday I had a lunch date with 2 people I know well but hadn't seen in a long time. I got myself completely twisted out and nervous and wishing I didn't have to leave the comfort of my bubble here at 29 Black Street. A whole gamut of demons emotions were reeking havoc in my mind. Shortly after we three women sat down at our table and the how have you beens began to flow I just blurted out my anxiousness, I couldn't contain it (big ugly monster that it is) another second - and guess what ?? they both expressed feeling the same thing wtf ? and so we all had a big ol' round of supportive commiseration along with a few healing breaths ;-). I had allowed those demons to pummel me for hours prior to this lunch, to the point that I felt so exhausted when I arrived home I wanted to lie down. ergggghhh !!

So I've decided I will continue to talk about my fears & demons here because I want people who read this blog to know that though I may appear to look like that actress who's name is 9 a whole lot of the time I feel much more like a 3 ... dressed up as 9 (or maybe 10).

Famous Canadian 70s super band Trooper


  1. Your desk is always so colorful and cheerful!! Mine is always an unorganized mess! Everytime I see your computer I want to go out and buy an iMac! Everyone says you won't go back to a pc. Hope to get one in August when there is a back to school no tax day!! Have a great weekend!

  2. Plato wrote "An unexamined life is not worth living", and I believe this. We all have good thoughts, bad thoughts, and I-wish-that-thought-would-just-go-away thoughts, but I really wonder about those individuals who never seem to pay attention to their inner lives. Far healthier to be open about it.

  3. "...I wonder & hesitate how honest and open I should continue to be about my struggles with anxiety & fear & depression...."

    One thing you've taught me is to be real and true to oneself. Your blog, everything you do, is so special and unique - always has been - because you DO stay true to yourself. You expose a part of you to us which helps us to grow and understand you more and the BEAUTY behind the amazing woman you are.

    Thank you. Truly.
    Much love. xx

  4. Same here. As usual...
    I've become way too comfy here alone at home. I wonder if I step outside will I exist at all?

    Here's a little TED talk I thought you might like...

    {The things you do and share are "9's", I wonder how that translates in how you feel...?}

  5. Susan, I'm 63. I'm s'posed to be an adult by now and yet I often feel as if I am masquerading as one. I'm not REALLY grown up inside: I'm a kid inside doing what she "thinks" an adult is s'posed to do.

    I think to some degree we all are just faking it ...

  6. Galestorm I'm positive once you "go" Mac you never go back - being a graphic designer I started on an apple - PC's seem very weird to me

    Hi Veg Artist & when it's not driving me mad I do think the human psyche is pretty fascinating and it's the only really hot topic between me and my closest friends.

    Thank you Alexandra for that very sweet comment - you & I have been in each other's worlds a long time now - lots of love to you too !

    Thanks Dee I watched the Ted talk - tres interesting you know I haven't a clue how I show up in the world physically, literally and have absolutely no desire to see that (like a video of myself - yikes). I do feel like a real 9 lots of the time, but I hate feeling so often like I'm pretending to be a 9, or wondering "am I kidding myself to think I could be a 9". Basically I pay attention to my thoughts w-a-y too much !

    I agree Sybil about us all just faking it. Fake it til you make it ! or don't care so much if sometimes it feels like faking, or "stop listening so intently to your thoughts Susan. This is a topic that's on my mind often lately and I am reading a lot of books about the concept of positive psychology.


  7. I can't believe no one's mentioned Mr. Bossy Pants ;-)

  8. Susan, yes we have and I'm so glad for it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. ;) xx


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