I fear Fear

I'm really into suns & sunshine at the moment - I so love Photoshop & creating my own library of clipart

I fear Fear. & I fear Fear is winning.

Fear & I have been adversaries for as long as I can remember. I had my first real anxiety attack in 8th grade in front of a whole class of my junior high school peers - ya huh !! it was way down hill from there, Fear was like a turtleneck I wore everyday from then on. Somehow I managed to get through junior high school relatively unscathed, then onto high school where I begged each individual teacher (3 years x 5 or 6 = do the math) at the beginning of each year to NOT make me read aloud, give a speech or make a presentation - please I begged of them, just let me sit here, try to learn something and be invisible. Please ! Most complied.

The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater
and greater things. Rainer Maria Rilke

I didn't go to art school 'til I was 23, considered at that ripe old age, a mature student. I loved NSCAD (my art school) instantly, felt like a born again Christian must feel - I had found my place, I had indeed been saved, but not sadly from fear. Fear still lurked, clung, taunted & terrorized me. Still I made it through 5+ years and 2 degrees - Fine Art & Design because I couldn't make up my mind between the 2, that & I loved (and wanted to take) pretty much every course they had on offer.

I've lived all over the place Halifax, Fredericton, Moncton, Calgary, Montreal, Toronto & enjoyed some high powered, high responsibility jobs (in title anyway  Art Director, Creative Director) and finally ended up happily working/living in my current little village by the sea. I've travelled to exotic and exciting places Paris, China, NYC, LA, Taiwan - I even lived in London on an art college exchange for 4 months. Yet I am here to tell you without a doubt in my mind that I have been afraid of all of it. When I look back at the events of my life I can never believe that I lived them, or how I possibly survived. I believe partly what has saved me, what has always made me brave enough was I couldn't (still can't) bear to miss out on something exciting, an opportunity, a chance, a new experience. Curiosity is a natural enemy of Fear.

This is what the things can teach us: to fall, patiently to trust our heaviness. Even a bird has to do that before he can fly. Rainer Maria Rilke

Sadly it feels like, as I grow older, my insecurities, worries & fears all get bigger & stronger. It has new weapons I can't deal with. It's overcoming me, it's smothering me. I feel like Fear is winning. I feel like maybe I'm giving up. My 2 biggest fears at the moment are Winnie's impending death, I know it's soon ... she's very frail, but I have no idea how soon, so I watch her like a hawk, monitoring everything (poops, pees, quantity of food, her gait, her sleep, her breathing, her personality) 24/7 which as you can imagine is exhausting. I'm not sure what it is I fear so much about her death. Of course I'll miss her terribly, I'll feel deep grief. I already feel it. I am super prepared & I've been there, I know those feelings well & I survived them again & again - so what's the Fear ? My other huge Fear is moving away from 29 Black Street. When I say that I know many of you are like "well why move ? stay there for heaven's sake ! we don't want you to move" But you see ... I want to move, we want to move, I can't wait to move, I need more, want more life in my life & we both want much less in terms of stuff, square footage, acreage. The reasons for moving are all agreed upon, decided, it's very positive - a done deal, signed, sealed - there is no turning back ... yet I feel terrified. I'm terrified because I can't picture it, even though I've been wishing, dreaming & manifesting up a storm what, where & how our new tiny life will be (in meticulous detail, trust me).

I think I get sad & fear confused or maybe they are the same thing. I feel sad and feeling sad makes me feel afraid.