surrounded by love

itty bitty Betty in her laundry room basket in a room of her own (complete with closed french door, no boy cats & with all the essential feline amenities) someone's a lil' Princess / I do love to pose in sunshine - handsome Oliver / the big black velvet chicelet Bleet / cats lounging - that darn Virgil, he makes me smile / itty bitty Betty's breakfast nook (also in the laundry room of her own) / my favourite place - the chocolate brown nest / I also look very handsome wrapped in contrasting flannel / itty bitty Betty, once again, in her laundry room basket with a patch of  sunlight - natch / I ♡ cardboard boxes, especially ones with windows / ocelot / Oliver on the cat pillow in my studio surveying the scene

There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.

Richard Bach

There's a difference between knowing and believing something. Believing it in that true & faith-full way. I am a perfectionist, no question, a perfectionist in that it's like carting around a 20lb shield way that Brené Brown talks about in her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I try very hard to never fail or make mistakes and I know that that is crazy talkin'. I know that's crazy by heart. I can recite a whole raft of quotations about the necessity of failure and mistake making in achieving success and authenticity in life, even more quotations remind me/us that if you don't feel vulnerable (Fear and Doubt) from time to time you're probably not living a very exciting or passionate life.

Perfectionism is like a 20lb shield that we carry with a thought process that says this, 'If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, and do it all perfectly, I can avoid or minimize feeling shame, blame, and judgement. 

Brené Brown

I do know these things are true, but I'm still learning to believe that they're true. And the only path I can see to believing is plain old trial by fire, plain old try, fail, make mistakes (& big ones) ... then get back up, fail again, try again, fail better.

I'm trying to let go of a long time dependency to sleep medication, a dependency from another time in my life, a time far far away from where I stand now. A time when Fear & Doubt ruled the roost around here especially in the middle of the night, that darn witching hour 1am - 3am. Nights (or early morning's) when if I woke up Worry & Loneliness, Doubt & Fear would all pile into the bed with me and I would feel physically & emotionally overcome with Panic and Sleeplessness. I began taking 1mg of Ativan at bedtime, it worked like a charm ... for years and years and it still works now but smothering my feelings and my fears isn't how I want to live anymore.

Last night as I lay awake, yet another night, through the witching hour instead of Doubt & Fear I felt instead absolutely immense gratitude, and for so many reasons, even or maybe especially for my mistakes. I thought to myself at this moment right NOW I have absolutely everything I've ever wanted or needed. I am surrounded by love ... so what's the deal with this fear thing ;-)

I have everything I need or want
I am surrounded by love ... it's true
I am filled with gratitude


Brené Brown's 2 famous TED talks on shame and vulnerability - watch & repeat as necessary + happy weekend