I love you more

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

golden leaves from the burning bush near the front porch of this old house

always the last leaves to turn, the last leaves to fall.

In 2 hours from now the cowboy and the beautiful brown hound will begin their 4000km trek back home to us. He'll call often from his stops along the roadside for fuel or to let Bess race around some safe and secure rest stop far away from the maddening highway traffic. For the next two+ days I will have my cordless phone charged and nearby me at all times and the weather network's highway conditions map always open on my big beautiful 24" imac screen so that I may report any trouble looming ahead or better still I can say all systems go ... go, go

He's been gone just past 2 weeks and the time has passed in a blink. We have spoken on the phone every day, often many times each day. Planning, dreaming and scheming together this brand new forever life of ours. We repeatedly tell each other our tales of life before that fateful day, that sunny September afternoon in the park when all of our accumulated love began the beautiful crash into each other, with Miss D and baby Bess the brown hound racing accomplices. We share our past Aches & Sadness, of how we each had really given up on life. We both were just stumbling along, trying to make it through another day but not having any real concept of why it was that we should keep on stumbling. No meaning, no purpose, no spark. I felt as lonely as lonely could be. All I thought I wanted or needed was another big red dog exactly like Jake, a carbon copy please - not golden, not brown or mottled in colour, he'd have to be red. And maybe if I could find that dog then I'd feel loved and safe once again. Thankfully I had MLou who kept tirelessly holding me up, I had my work which I do love, my crazy cats and the love of Missy D but I still felt mostly broken. I'd convinced myself that I was forever damaged. Smashed into a million pieces that would never fit together again - or so I thought.

Turns out that cowboy was feeling much the same way. Turns out our lives have had remarkable similarities. We've battled so many of the same demons and we've each lost to them much of the time. I'm sure that it must seem to anyone outside of this thing looking in, that this current is moving way too fast, maybe dangerously so. How could all of this happen so quickly ? so furiously and all with such audacious conviction. It's stunning and it makes me happier than I ever imagined possible. The cowboy wonders if maybe when his black lab Abby left this earth in late July and made her way up to heaven Jake was waiting patiently there for her to arrive and the two of them conspired together - this big miraculous love. It is cosmic ... no doubt about it.
It is a reason to believe than anything & everything is always possible if only a tiny little part of you can continue to believe it.

I love you more he tells me.
I shake my head Not possible I reply because I love you more


  1. I bet Abby and Jake are up there giving each other high fives right now.

  2. Cosmic indeed. It sounds like it was meant to be. It's a wonderful, real-life love story. When you first wrote about meeting the cowboy that day and talking about his tears, I had a feeling...
    "No", I told myself, "you are being a hopeless romantic", I told myself. But it was true! So happy for you and for him.

  3. it's a true romance story and i'm enjoying it so much! my hubby and i have been together for 13 years and we still do the love you more thing.

    i couldn't be happier for all of you!!

  4. so sweet. I do like the thought of Jake and Abby conspiring.

  5. Sounds like a perfect balance. I'm humming to Jill Barber...."to match the love we give with the love we've been given". Affection that deep will keep you circling higher and higher.

    xo mlou

  6. Suddenly I feel like an Eve Arden supporting character, always ready with a wise crack to keep a scene from getting too...syrupy. But I'm laughing too hard at the "teenagers" in love to crack wise. It's like you've booked us all passage on the Love Boat. (GREAT! Now I can't get the theme song out of my head.)

  7. I love that last exchange. Yes, maybe qite fast on the outside, but only you two know when it just clicks. Who are we or anyone to judge? i am so very happy for you both. What a breath of fresh air to come here adn read your love filed words and gaze upon your love filled photos.

    glad these 2 weeks and flown bye, fastr than you expected, i will imagine.

  8. Well, you know, of course it's only natural to think that bt my in-laws met in their mid to late 30's and immediately fell in love. It was love at first site--she 6 years his senior. They had 38 marvelous constant honeymoon years together!! So wonders never cease. You know wat they did, being strict Catholics? They didn't tell their family that they in fact engaged less than one month later...I think it was on their third date!! finally after they had known each other a year tehy announced their engagement which everyone assumed was recent. Little did they know and how little does anyone know of that kind of meant to be love. I am beyong the moon happy for you adn "cowboy" pref man! Big grins here.

  9. oops posted two comments. one was meant to go elsewhere--well , no worries, you'll figure it out. feel free to cut and paste to correct post where able.

  10. I love your blog. If I could move out of my rambling old house in Ontario, I would buy yours in a heartbeat! Thanks for the inspiration!



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