steam & guts

Sunday, October 23, 2011

no words needed other than love, love, love - my best office mate & cheerleader Oliver

I started feeling anxious the other day, a few days ago, after breezing though weeks - months maybe of anxiety, angst free living. When that darn beast rears it's ugly head, seemingly from out of the blue & after being away for so long, it's hard not to instantly begin analyzing the shit out of it. And of course that's just what I've done. I even have a pain in my stomach - that's the oh ! oh ! ultimate warning sign that's somethin' up. Something hidden is bothering me. The alarms are going off, the gates & doors to my ever active & imaginative mind are all on lock down - giving me plenty of space to pick, pick, pick at this yucky feeling until I uncover it's source.

I stepped out a little this week guest posting over at Deanne's blog, & as much as yada yada yada - I know ! it's-good-for-me-to-step-out-every-now-&-again I swear it just feels counter to my spirit, to my soul. I will to do it again (frequently) with enthusiasm but that doesn't mean it's easy. The very next day I stepped out again, this time for an innocent little coffee date at our local cafe & hot spot (directly across from our world famous fantastic tiny post office where did ya know ? I am now a part-time/casual employee ;-). I enjoyed the coffee date immensely and ended up interacting with oh ... half a dozen people I know. That night, Friday night, I stewed, fretted, worried & felt self conscious endlessly. So here I am Sunday morning, a big ol' knot in my stomach and I'm beating myself up because I know (my brain does anyway) that it's silly to let these things, these social interactions, bother me like they do, there is no need to feel these yucky feelings but apparently my brain still isn't speaking to my gut.

I left my bubble, I ventured outside of my little world where I have been kind of ensconced for the last few months, deep & content in both creativity & reclusivity. + it's a busy time of the year for me. Calendar time (note to self begin 2013 calendars in June not the end of September) so ... I've got a lot on the go & a lot of self imposed yet serious deadlines. I feel rushed, I should have begun sooner & some of this yuckiness I know is simple ... I'm running out of steam.

thank you for letting me vent ... be gone freakin' yuckiness & take that pain in the belly with you


  1. Big cyberhugs! Since you prize solitude so much and find it essential to your own soul's peace and creativity, I'm guessing that was a bit more human interaction than you were used to. It's OK to be who you are. Spinning creativity out of solitude gives you joy, and that's a beautiful thing!

  2. thanks MS - cyber hugs back at ya ! I think the things that irks me the most is when I get like this I lose my confidence, I don't trust myself & then that frustration affects my ability to feel/want to be creative. Sucks !!

    What about the house ?? xoxoxo Susan

  3. That is a rough place to be. Interesting how we each get our sense of self trust in different places. I feel MUCH more confident after significant amounts of human interaction, although I do need some solitude. There are lots of folks, though, who find the strain of human interaction drains them and they have to replenish before they can go on to create. Sometimes, folks like me get a little envious of the capacity folks like you have to enjoy solitude. Just sayin.

    I GOT MY YELLOW COTTAGE ON THE HILL!!! Waiting to make a formal post about it until a couple of loose ends are tied up early next week. But I got it!!!!!! Thank you for asking! I'll be watching those webcasts in a cozy cottage with a stunning ocean view, ahhhhh...

  4. hooray for yellow house on the hill with an ocean view - I do think those web casts also are stirring things up (ultimately positive stuff & I'm loving watching them) but stirring up feelings from the past that are nothing but negative. merci my friend xo

  5. I will post pics of the place when I'm there!

    You know, I find something similar happens to me - I watch the webcasts and then turn them off to process for a while, because they are so rich they bring up really deeply buried stuff. It's definitely not background fluff noise!!!

  6. The fine art of detachment is what is needed here. The dalai lama has plenty to say on this matter - and so eloquently. Recommended reading. It doesnt mean not engaged and interested in means not emotionally investing in how you are perceived. its a liberation. so is saying "no". Theres nothing wrong, btw, with being happy and content with your own company and the lovely life youve made for yourself.

    and theres your dimestore dr freud for today. ;-). hang in there buddy


Hey ! We LOVE comments here at 29 Black Street.
Thanks for stopping by.