greyish blues

Saturday, April 10, 2010

the view from the end of Water Street and out into the straight

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

E. E. Cummings

MLou said to me one day recently that she thinks I suffer from a kind of chronic one-sided amnesia. I seem incapable of remembering - especially the good and the very good. While the bad, sad & worrisome seem to stick in my mind, and to me, like glue. I'm afraid to trust - that's really it in a nutshell. That's where the need and desire to control comes from. I learned from a very young age that I could always count on myself, that I could really only trust myself. If I try letting go (which I have been practicing madly) battalions of What Ifs come hammering at my door. I fight this good fight against my other self almost daily. The battle to believe in the good, in the love, the security and the safeness that I now treasure and cling to. But I have days that the What Ifs along with their pals Worry & Fret break down that door easily and I tell you, sometimes the battles that ensue ... oh how they exhaust me, both emotionally and physically.
Yesterday was one of those days.

don't be afraid
have courage
speak your truth
trust in love

repeat often - perhaps consider a tattoo

So ... while the battles rage on I attempt to ignore them and I rest, I spoil myself, distract myself with pretty things (a pile of magazines) or compelling words (my current good book), I curl up in my nest of down & (still) flannel with a cat or 2 or 3 ... with a cup of English Breakfast tea (lovingly sent to me from a far away friend) and I relax ... practice my breathing and I wait for those things to calm down again. And they always do.


  1. It is interesting how the mind tends to focus on certain things, excluding others. I have the same kinds of blind spots, which for me become "normal," when in actuality, my vision might be terribly skewed.

  2. Dude, sometimes I think you live in my head. Oy! Trusting in love. This is huge. Sigh... Awesome post. Love the poem.


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