bad day

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Jake, Em & Winnie Dixon from a few summer's ago

Woke up an hour late to barely warm burnt coffee. I smashed the carafe to my coffee maker late in the day yesterday while washing it and attempted to rig up the machine with a spare carafe (wrong shape, wrong pause and serve lid). Was awake for much of the middle of the night. Sigh. Yesterday was a very bad day and I've decided to try and delete it from memory, to scratch it, to not count it, we've officially skipped a day - it was a wasted day.

I declined an invitation from BFF Harry to get doodied up a bit and go out for an hour to a village social event (the grand opening of our new curling club), said yes initially and then realized that it would take way too much effort for me to feel confident enough to mingle and chit chat, my enthusiasm hovering deep in the minuses. So I called him back and said No, I'd much rather stay home in my What Not To Wear clothes and feel sorry for myself. I did do a very tiny amount of design work, and then spent hours on end eating raw cookie dough while watching daytime TV through tear filled eyes. Just waiting eagerly until I felt it was safe to go to bed.

I'm sad, and I miss Jake
People, friends don't want to talk about it.
I can't believe that he's gone.
They think I should be getting over it.
I keep thinking he's still here that I hear him.
Maybe they just don't know what to say.
People don't know how to deal with sadness.
I know that I need to let myself be sad.
I said goodbye to the best friend I've ever had.
I miss him.

I'm going to go wash away my tears (for now) with a hot steaming face cloth and start today off on a better foot. It's Saturday, I have tons of design work on my plate this weekend with lots of tight deadlines. I will keep busy. Maybe I won't delete yesterday, maybe I'll be kind to myself.

Of course I feel sad. It's loss and missing sadness
and I know that it needs to come out.

9:00 am We're back from our walk, Miss Dixon and I, in frigid cold air. We stopped for a few groceries and picked up a new coffee maker from the hardware store and we're planning to have a very good day today. It's Saturday, it's not Friday anymore.


  1. You hit the nail on the proverbial noggin.... yet again, Susan.

    People really don't know what to say in certain circumstances. It is even more difficult for them if they have never had a friend, a special animal companion or even a relative they love dearly, who has died. The same often happens with diagnosis of cancer .. ... people ignore or avoid you because they don't know what to say or do in order not to upset you. It is a regular occurrence for handicapped people.. especially those in wheelchairs.. most of the world just can't come to grips with certain situations. They are not trying to be is hard on them too...they absolutely just don't know what to do...or how to treat some situations. Other people?...jump right in and do whatever it takes.. or ask how you want them to behave..or whatever. Sometimes, you have to take the initiative; tell them right up front; you are not over things..tell them you do want to talk about it... let them know how you feel and that it will take time. If they love you they will be fine with it...if not...avoid them for now.

    Never try to erase any day. My Mom used to say... "no experience is ever wasted", all I can offer is...just keep stepping forward.

    Hugs..... Veronica


    ps.... Greg says.....maybe that puppy would be the answer.....

  2. You talk about Jake all you want. Let yourself feel sad. It is all very normal and healthy AND it is the road to feeling better again.

  3. A hot steaming face cloth, a good cup of coffee, and a walk in the frigid air... they all sound like the start of a good day.
    I can't speak for everyone, but I certainly have days like your Friday. I wouldn't consider it wasted, but I wouldn't dwell on it either.
    You take all the time you need to mourn, but be kind to yourself at the same time. It sounds like you are being kind to yourself with the hot steaming face cloth, the coffee, and the walks. That's good.

  4. Thank you all for hanging in there with me through this ...he just was such an everything dog, so lively, so exuberant, with me every second of every day. I feel very alone and lonely without him, my home is dull and quiet and empty feeling. And I can't seem to chase away the thoughts that maybe I could've done more for him, had more tests, xrays maybe try to figure exactly what the badness was ...might have fixed it. He was sent to me 12 years ago to help me feel strong and loved and he did that job so well. The month of January all seems like a nasty blur to me I can't seem to remember details ...and I just wish I could hold that big faded red face in my lap again and tell him how much I love him and how much I need him.


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