with bated breath

kitten TV

This was one of my better ideas - constant entertainment for my two inside cats Gussie & Oliver They lie here on this pillow topped table pushed up against a window and chatter and stare with big saucer cat eyes and make sudden leaps at the window. It's a scream to watch and they're entertained for hours on end. Even my old gal Lulu occasionally hangs out here. I've built a platform outside the window, where I can scatter seeds or fruit, so the birds are sometimes only inches away, and totally oblivious, to kittens Gus & Oliver (they are a year and a half old but will remain kittens in this house until someone younger comes along - that's how it goes). Those kittens are squealing around, up and down the stairs, doing their high speed kitten thing, as I sit here typing - they're so funny. If you're thinking of getting a kitten get two instead - I guarantee that you won't regret it.

The Noodle (Jake) and I are off to the vet this morning early so this post will be brief as I'll update later this morning, when we get home. A big fear I have, is that they'll suggest exploratory surgery, say on his throat. I'm not sure if it's my paranoid imagination or if it's real but his throat seems swollen, his glands perhaps ? and he does, and has had for sometime- since the summer, a much hoarser bark. He's been so fit, energetic and hungry I didn't pay much attention to the new bark and just would tease him and say that's your new old dog bark when he'd be demanding that the plate of leftover cat food magically levitate off the cats feeding table and float over and down to the floor in front of him. Which he's done already this morning (check). The first on my check list of how is he feeling today, the second of which is, when we first get out of the car when we arrive at our walking destination, does he have a few bites of snow and then flop himself down with a thud, roll over, feet in the air and rub and roll happily in the snow - making a big old doggy snow angel. Sigh.

Where was I ? Oh yeah, no suggestions of exploratory surgery please ? I've heard too many very sad stories of them finding really bad things when they peer inside and then asking you to make the decision of - do you wake them up from surgery or do you say goodbye then & there. I could not handle that. Actually I can't handle any of it or at least that's how it feels. It feels like when that time comes I will surely die of a breaking heart.

But why am I going there, to that place - because I'm frightened

things are fine, things will be fine, he's fine.

Oh, he is so fine. Smile.

1:30 update. Well we're back and I guess it's great news combined with more worry & concern. He had a fantastic appointment with our regular (his whole life) vet, who we love. All was good, good vitals, good prognosis, she was not concerned about his throat swelling as it was general and not specific swelling, he's gained 4lbs since December's poop fest - which is really good. Ongoing gradual weight loss at his age could be the sign of something big & bad. In December he weighed 73, his lowest weight since he was a very young dog ... but his weight is up. I shopped, skipping down aisles wanting to sing, or to grab people by the shoulders and say, my dog's OK, my dog's OK.

We received dancing kisses, and many of them, from Miss Dixon who I'm sure spent the entire time we were gone, on my bed fretting & worrying (she takes after her mother). I unloaded the groceries and then piled those sweeties in the car and off we went for our walk. By the end of our hour long stroll, up and down the country road, I did notice that Jake was slowing down, and he was beginning to show the signs of another one of those abdominal attacks, and by the time we got home you could tell he was in a lot of discomfort and just wanted to get in the house and lie down ... which he's doing now.

Our vet said to treat him like you'd treat a colicky baby when these episodes occur, rub his belly and comfort him and give him lots of TLC. She said that these attacks could be caused by a number of things - from simple digestive problems through to the beginning signs of intestinal cancer although she felt that he was very healthy (and you can be sure I asked every point blank question that I could muster) and assured me that she did not think we were at the beginning of the end .... so, Mama's gonna try and go with that.

no sad songs please

favourite children's book character's Ant & Bee & Dog

From a famous series of childrens' s books written and illustrated by Angela Banner which have become rare and a bit of a collectors item now it seems.

We all slept upstairs last night, and me in my own bed. The boy's doing great this morning, and yesterday afternoon was back to his high energy, drivin' me crazy (restless, bored & constantly underfoot- which let me tell ya is totally fine by me), kooky self once again. We do have an appointment at the vet tomorrow morning and I think I'll wait until early tomorrow before deciding if we'll keep it, although I think we probably will. Just a check up and I'll make a quick stop at the Atlantic Superstore for a big grocery shop. Must make a list today.

Began the infamous cleaning out of laundry room, supply cabinet, tools & equipment area yesterday and I must say when I do finally begin a project (that seems to be way more than half the battle with me - the beginning of something) I do a bang up, thorough job of it. I will finish up this morning while listening to a favourite CBC radio program (Canada's version of public broadcasting, NPR in the US and ABC in Australia) Sunday Edition with Michael Enright Then les chiens and I will go out for walk a deux with Deb and Maggy Sue in balmy +5 degree temperatures. Big Smile. You know that Sunday's are my favourite days.

Currently reading this book The World without Us
by Alan Weisman. Something you maybe didn't know about me - I'm a bit of a science geek and I love non fiction science, nature, & adventure books and tend to cruise through them while great fiction lies in piles, waiting patiently, by my bedside.

This is a very well researched surmise of what would happen to planet earth in stages and steps over time if we, terrible human tenants that we are and have been, were wiped out suddenly, say by Ebola or some other such thing. The reviews talk about it being an optimistic book and I guess, in that Mother Earth, most definitely will survive and carry on, it is that. But it's also shocking to read chapter after chapter of the damage that we've already done - and often damage that won't be reversed for untold years - like the chapter on plastic. Sickening. That said it is a fascinating book and I am glad to be reading it.

hero

Jake

Another photo that I love, reminds me of a painting or an illustration. Jake's still feeling a little under the weather this morning - just not quite his exuberant self although he did eat the cat food (and eating is always a very good sign), he did not bark boisterously for me to put the plates down on the floor for him (our normal early morning drill). I slept last night on a twin mattress on the living room floor in front of the fire, beside him, all night. The cats (all 4 of them) nearly drove us nuts, obviously they were not keen on this new sleeping arrangement, although sometime through the night Oliver did settle down and draped himself over me to sleep, as he is want to do. Winnie Dixon curled up on the tiny mattress with me and Jake slept soundly all night and did not seem in any discomfort.

So ... who knows. I think we'll make an appointment at our regular vet for Monday and I'm sure that there's a very good chance that I may hear something from our vet, that I don't want to hear, I mean he is 13 (that's quite senior for a golden retriever). I've thought about this a lot, and you know, I don't think it's really denial I'm in, it's really just a sad place, and an ever hopeful place. No one really knows your dog like you do, only I really know how incredibly healthy he is most of the time and I know it's possible that what ever is going on with him is not necessarily some big, bad, grave thing but could also be some chronic senior dog thing. I'm not prepared to go all doom and gloom because of two (a week apart) episodes of sickness. Not when the rest of the time he's bucking & galloping, rolling & jumping and being his normal crazy self. I do know from recent past experiences that I would never allow him to suffer ... but I am also not someone who, at the first sign of decline, would be ready to say goodbye.

It's such a very fine and shitty line, that line, that lies between realism and optimism.


mid rub & roll in lovely green grass - my goof, my Noodle, my hero


fantastic 7:26 am

andre jordon - right on Andre

he's so fine

yep! it's that Noodle dog - Jake ready for wranglin'

Back when he was just a young boy, aside from his first love - retrieving (only from water) he discovered that he also had a passion for cows, and the wrangling or herding of them. Occasionally we would find ourselves walking, off leash, near a pasture and off my boy would go while we gave chase humming the theme from Bonanza all the way. Farmers around here don't take kindly to dogs running with their herds. This illustration is from a series of sketches done years ago for a potential line of stuffed toys, all dogs. Miss Winnie Dixon had a sketch as well and another of a friend's miniature dachshund Francesca (or Frankie). That job never did materialize, but I thought I'd post this illustration from the archives of SBD (Susan Black Design). A goal for 2008 is to include more of my work on this blog and to create many, many new illustrations.

Those of you out there that have been reading lately know that the boy, my boy, Jake has had some health issues of late and I thought you might like a little update. He's so fine! He's back to his normal self. I'm really mostly amazed at him. He behaves and has the trim muscular body like/of a much, much younger dog. Thank goodness! I keep reminding him that in 5 short months we'll be back on the beach and fetching sticks in deep water season (his reason d'etre) will begin all over again. Oh yeh, and chopped liver, I mean Winnie Dixon, would like you to know that she's fine too (just in case you were wondering), she's curled up here beside me on the sofa, curled into a little ball of wiry black fur, with her little black & white kerchief on and looking too sweet for words.

It's bitter, bitter cold here this morning - but all plus temps next week and climbing to +9 Wed. (dancing around my living room). A week of very mild temps should melt some of the depth of snow and we can get back to our great walks through pastures and at the golf course. It's way too deep at the moment and we've been walking up and down a quiet dead end country road - on leashes, it's OK, certainly better than no walks at all, but we look forward to getting back to our regular hikes.

1:15 update - just to qualify I did mean the he's so fine ... he blows my mind ... kind of fine. You know fine in that complete, all encompassing way. And speaking of fine, he (Jake) is in the midst of one of those, last Thursday night, dreadful spells. We've just come back from a brief trip down to our spot for a quick walk with Carol. It's still really cold and overcast and the sun's not warming things up - so we had a very quick walk and then stopped to do a few errands, grocery store, post-office, bank ... etc and each time I got back into the car I did think to myself Geeeezz! stinking farts in here. My sweet Noodle is presently lying on the kitchen floor in the throws of what seems to be a really bad case of gas or indigestion, complete with the occasional really stinky fart. I'm just going to let him be ... it's very weird, it's been hours since he had anything substantial to eat ??

dig out

how beautiful is she? a little print bought yesterday on Etsy

I've featured her blog Marmee Craft in my blog of the week awhile back. I love her blog and love all her things! please check out her little Etsy shop .

A perfect inspirational & beautiful visual for today Jan 03 - an otherwise tres bleak day. Not only do we have a Ton O' Snow but it's -17C and with the wind chill it feels like -27. Very sad face. However there is a bright spot, there always is a bright spot, it's just sometimes you really have to search for it. After today the temperatures will begin to climb, 0 by Sunday and a balmy +7C (yahoo!) by early next week. My wish is that those lovely warm temps be combined with high winds = melting drifts.

5:42 second cup of coffee, the fire's started and cracklin' and I have to get going and see if I can't dig out. It's a big job this morning and I can't count on the snow plough fairies, although I'm sure they're out there, flitting about, scoopin' and blowin', with their big tractors and helping out where they can. I like shoveling in the dark, I like to pause and take my break and look up into the sky, which is so often clear and bright, after a storm, and filled with twinkling stars.

7:26 am - brrrrrrrr it's cold out there ... it's funny how shoveling out always seems to be easier then first anticipated. I'm done the driveway and walkway to les chiens mobile, also the path to the bird feeders, a little later I'll go out and shovel a path or two for Jake & Winnie Dixon in their yard and finish with the walkway to the street.

some things that have made me smile this morning ...

- mittens and fleece headbands warmed on radiators
- PC brand 3 ply tissue with lotion (try it once and you'll be hooked)
- a flesh coloured pot of Blistex regular lip balm
- the stillness & quiet of standing out on Black Street at 6:00am
- my eternal optimism (I'm not sure where it comes from - but I'm sure glad it's there)
- the welcome I received from dogs Jake & Winnie upon coming in from an hour of shoveling. Oh the kisses!
- poached eggs on toast
- CBC radio 1

resolution ramblings

the cover of my new 2008 wall calender *

5 am - we're all tucked in and cozy in the living room, my laptop has been downstairs for a week now as I slowly, gradually move everything out of my office so I can paint the trim, the floors, and the inside of the closet. In a bold new approach to accomplishing the billion things on my ever growing list of things to do - and things that must be done, I'm attempting to have a much more realistic expectation of the by-when/date to finish things and my office is/will be my first experiment with this new way of being- I'm giving myself the entire month of January to finish it.

Resolution No. 1/48 - attempt to be more realistic in your expectations of life & self (and this one should cover a lot O' ground for me). I do have a tendency to live with my head in the clouds, believing with many things, that if I think about them long enough and plan every minute detail that the work required will just magically happen and I'll spend my time dreaming and planning. Planning & dreaming. I read this great formula somewhere and it is SO true Action = Motivation = More Action and I guess that would be Resolution No. 2/48 - just begin.

Thankfully my design work and business doesn't seem to suffer from the same procrastination affliction that plagues the rest of my life. I've learned, especially in the beginning days of life as a self employed designer, that if you sit and think and wait for that brilliant idea to hit you ... you may be sitting for a very long time. I now turn the little voice in my head off, pick up my beloved red mechanical pencil and with a fresh clean sheet of tracing paper - I just begin. And to this day I am amazed at what often will appear on that piece of paper.

It's been lovely to begin each morning here on the sofa, Jake and Winnie Dixon curled up nearby, a fire on and CBC radio keeping us company. The business report is just finishing up and it's time for the 6am national news - it's snowing, another winter storm advisory in effect and we're not going anywhere this morning. Think I'll go pour my bath.

* wall calender from the beautiful Cavallini line of products

snow, snow & more snow

my snow dog Jake

Happy New Year. I'm up 30 minutes early this morning. I was lying tucked in my flannel nest with Lulu & Oliver curled up beside me, awake and I decided that if the clock said 3:30, well then I'd try and go back to sleep - but if the clock said 4:30, then I could get up ... I love getting up in the morning and this morning there's a lot of shoveling to do if we're going to get that wagon out on the road for our quick drive down to the dead end road and out onto the point to meet our friends for our morning walk. These days we're forced to walk, with leashes, on the road because the snow is far too deep for dog legs, especially senior dog legs ...

It snowed all day yesterday and it seems that we did receive the predicted 25-30 cms. I just (hopefully) checked the weather network website (secretly hoping for rain in the forecast to melt away some of the depth of this snow) and shockingly discovered that we're supposed to get another 25 cms of snow tonight. That's way too much snow. However the 14 day trend says a few days of seasonal temperatures and then finally a mild spell (yeah!) with rain and the temperatures climbing far above normal. Smile.


les chiens in their big fenced in dog yard

It's funny how the dogs make the exact same paths through the snow every year. I love that. After I get the driveway shoveled and the two walkways, one to the car and one to the street I'll bundle up les chiens and we'll all go out into their yard. They love that, when I come out into their world with them. They'll eat some snow, and push their snouts along through the soft light flakes and then flop down and roll over on their backs in the softness, paws kicking the air, to make big doggy snow angels. They don't seem to mind the snow.


yesterday afternoon view from my upstairs bathroom window through the Virginia Creeper vine


aprés shoveling - the view from my front porch 7:00am

The snow ploughing fairy's are out in full force, roaming the streets of this village and one of them (Roger) happened by my place while I was out shoveling and he scooped and blew (a snow blower attachment on his John Deer tractor) that awful heavy big hump, the worst part, that the snowplough leaves at the end of the driveway. Thank you snow plough fairy. Sigh ... smile.

future me

the sunrise was spectacular yesterday morning

Well here it is the last day of 2007. I've been so preoccupied it's snuck up on me. I have lists of resolutions to make, to categorise and organize - perhaps by month or date (by when). I love a new year. I love a new day, so you can imagine how thrilling an entire brand new year can be. A chance to rewrite the current story, to clean the slate, a fresh start, to fine tune & tinker with me & my life. It seems that I live in a perpetual state of mild to medium dissatisfaction, I've always been this way. A mostly happy and contented kind of unrest, of always wanting to improve and to make things better and thankfully I have the optimistic and ever hopeful personality that makes the whole process very satisfying and fun in a compulsive, kind of, way.

Along with my neat (black ink, fine point penmanship) notes, lists, to-dos and goals in my brand new beautiful red Moleskine daily journal I plan to also organize and record my hopes and dreams, goals & wishes in a letter to myself and send it off at this site (a site my nephew Michael shared with me). Dear future me ... you set the date out into the future and on that date, your letter will be emailed back to you. In the meantime I suspect that you'll forget that you ever sent it. And best of all ... I have this blog - a daily written and visual record of my journey. Smile.

eggshells

Jake

More snow here yesterday and the temperatures have been fairly mild. When I let les chiens out into their yard early this morning the sky was filled with stars and the only sounds were the far away noises of snow ploughs and the constant dripping of melting snow.

Yup it's that dog again. I've been noticing, gradually, lately, I think, in that half steeped in denial way that Jake's neck seems swollen, a bit. This morning I came down into the kitchen to pour my first cup of coffee and found him lying in his usual favourite place in front of the door. A place he's always preferred to sleep at night, jammed right up against it and I've always believed he sleeps there because he's protecting us from anyone coming in. If anyone enters this house he wants to be the first to know. I said good morning to him and began our morning patting session, combined with a little doggie massage and I felt a large lump on his neck, or at least I thought I felt a lump (this is where the possible steeped in denial comes in - I didn't apply much pressure because I don't really want to feel a lump or swollen glands or anything for that matter). Needless to say I freaked out, instantly plummeting to that big, bad, worst case scenario place. That was awhile ago. Now he's curled up on the sofa beside me, Bleet tucked in beside him, I'm on my second cup of coffee and I've talked myself down from that place. I've reminded myself that presently he's as hungry as a horse (that's a weird expression), he's running, jumping up with his front paws on the counters and bucking and galloping through snow on our walks like a young pony. He's not showing any ongoing signs of failing health. I do believe the poop fest of November was likely a bacterial thing and the awful sickness of a few days ago really did seem to be a stomach digestion thing.

I'm afraid this is the drill when you live with senior animals, when they've already blown by their life expectancy in a cloud of exuberant health, and when it feels like you love them a little bit more than life itself. You're walking, a lot of the time, on eggshells. Every little thing, you wonder is this it? Is this the beginning of the end.

Bear with me. When I sit down each morning at my laptop with my coffee I write about what's on my mind, and lately ... he's on my mind. This blog is a huge comfort to me, it's such a comfort that I have this written and visual record of our life since July.

There are snow ploughs outside on our street, there's swing music on CBC radio, the fire's crackling and it's Sunday. The best day. I'm making a full on roast chicken dinner for us today with stuffing (bread, sausage, celery, raisins, pecans & summer savoury) gravy and lots of vegetables. We'll go out for our walks before the next round of snow arrives, the forecast says 20-25 more cms and blowing for tomorrow. I'm going to put fresh flannel sheets on my bed with the help of kittens, and I'll begin preparing my office for painting (moving everything out into the hallway)- just the trim and the floor, the walls are already done. And I'll try and remind myself that all that really matters ... is this moment ... now.

all the moments

my best friend Jake

I've run the gamut of emotions these last few days. First shock and sadness, grief and worry, thinking my soul mate dog was suddenly dying and being told just that by the vet we went to see Thursday night. Then onto relief, happiness and joy (pure absolute joy) in the early hours of Saturday when I realized that he was feeling better, that he seemed back to his normal self. As yesterday progressed and we went about our daily routine, our long walks (we walked but I felt like skipping and swinging my arms and singing loudly my dog's OK, my dog's OK) at the beach and down the cottage lane, our trip in the car to do errands and then all of us just hanging around in the living room close to the fire, relaxing, I eventually became sure that it was true... I could stop holding my breath. He isn't gravely ill, he isn't dying. Last April after three trips in a row (Sat. Sun. & Mon) to our regular vet and a battery of tests & xrays, because of very similar weird & sudden symptoms, I was told, the vet's best guess, that he likely had a week to live - Hemangiosarcoma - a deadly form of blood based cancer that by the time the symptoms show up - the dog is usually near death. Like a very hard kick in the stomach.

All this to say we've been down this road before. And this morning I still feel joy & happiness, I still feel thrilled. Thrilled that he's out in the kitchen, as I type this, barking at me to let him clean off the cat food dishes, that he's jumped up on the kitchen counter, grabbed an empty cat food can and licked it clean. That he's still my devilish, goofy, kind and gentle, always hungry Noodle dog -Jake. This morning mixed in with all that joy, relief and happiness is a tiny bit of resignation. A tiny bit of crystal clear realism. He's 13, that day's a coming, and there's absolutely no way that you can ever really prepare yourself for it ... except I guess, to make sure to treasure every single moment that you can still put your face in their neck and smell them, that you can still stare into their eyes and thank them for the years and years of pure love and companionship, and to treasure every moment that they're still here with us.

I honestly didn't mean to write a sad post this morning. I'm not sad this morning, but the thoughts of saying goodbye to this dog, to Jake, makes me feel like I'll surely die of sadness.


and not to be forgotten Miss Winnie Dixon, she'll turn 9 next month

too close for comfort

I love that dog - Jake and me

Yesterday afternoon, around 4 pm Jake suddenly became very sick, it seemed instantaneous. His face looked dazed, his belly swollen, he could barely walk and the biggest clue that something was terribly wrong - he was totally disinterested in food. Minutes before he had been jumping up with his front paws on the counter so he could check things out, see if I had left any food items on the counter close enough that he could drag them onto the floor - and chow down. We walked at noon at the golf course and Debbie, Winnie Dixon, Maggy Sue and I could barely keep up to him, he was trotting along at a good clip the entire hour long walk. He was his normal energetic, filled with life, always hungry, dog and in an instant all that had changed. And I confess, I totally panicked - he just was SO sick looking. It was 10 past 4 and would be getting dark by the time we could get to our regular vet 45 minutes away (and I do avoid driving in the dark, although I was mustering my courage) I decided I'd go and I'd just drive slowly, at my own pace, and pullover if need be to let the speed demons go by me. A winter storm advisory was also in effect and blowing snow was supposed to begin at any time.

We skipped the idea of going to our regular vet a distance away and drove up the hill to the new vet. We were there an hour, another bad experience and more blunt conversations about cancer and tumours and likely filled with - yadayadyada. He's 13, I'm sure maybe he does have cancer, they told me the same thing at our regular vet when a very similar sickness struck him just as suddenly, nearly a year ago. But you couldn't convince me yesterday that this sudden weird sickness was cancer related - I was convinced that it was about something that he'd eaten - I felt sure that it was a digestive something going on, maybe terrible indigestion or bad gas from eating a bit of a toxic decomposing bunny or bunny poop (he's terrible for snuffing out and snarfing down dangerous delicacies while out on our walks). Winnie and I said a prayer and I gathered up some blankets and we all slept downstairs last night, on the living room floor, all three of us Jake, Winnie Dixon and me, curled up on various dog beds, with blankets, and a fire going. I had been crying for hours, I was afraid that he might be dying and I felt exhausted and scared and unable to sleep so I took and ativan 1mg (I have a small supply for nights just like this or for the odd scary dentist appt. and they work like a charm). Oliver curled up on my belly, Jake and Winnie beside me and both snoring peacefully and I slept ... I slept really well.

Skip to this morning - he's fine, he's fine, he cleaned the cat food dishes this morning and barked at me to give him more please. Sweetie Noodle dog your every wish is my command. It's another new day and my Noodle is better and back to his normal self. Thank you God.


Jake yesterday crossing the ice

11:00am we're recently back from our big normal beach walk, three girls and four dogs down snowy lanes and across snowy fields and pastures. He ran, he sniffed, he ate snow, he made big snowy dog angels and he begged for cookies - he's fine. Big deep sigh. No more swollen belly, no more glazed dazed look in his eyes, no more talk of dying with cancer.

I had a big breakfast of home made fish cakes, dill seasoned potato and smoked fish and coated with cornmeal, a sunny side up fried egg on the side and a huge blob of Harry's spicy zucchini chutney. Heavenly. My ativan/grief hangover is finally abating and I just made a big pot of chicken & dumplings (a favourite comfort food) and we're all hanging out in the living room, close to the fire. Today's mostly a research today. My next project from customer No. Uno is to knock myself off again with a line of "cute" baby/children's photo frames and I'm moved my laptop down here with us. We'll all go out again this afternoon, I'll run a few errands (post office and grocery store) and Winnie & Jake will sit patiently in the car and wait for me and then we'll head down to the point for another long walk in the snow.

around the next corner

our beach Christmas 2005

taken at the top of the small red clay cliff, out on the point of land that juts into the harbour, where the lighthouse is. Oliver's sitting here in his little Buddha fashion on my desk, I'm listening to radio Prague, my bath is pouring and I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee.

I was thinking yesterday about how different this Christmas season has been and has felt and remembering that the last two Decembers I was dealing with the slow but steady decline of two of my elderly pets. First in 2005 it was wise Ernst, tabby cat extraordinaire and then last December Emma Jane, my beautiful golden girl. The last two Decembers were months of aching sadness, sleepless nights, and feeling very alone with my grief. A month spent gradually mustering the courage and strength to make the ultimate decision to end a life. The most difficult decision I'll ever make. I said goodbye to Ernst on December 31st and then Emma on December 22 the following year. Christmas an already sad & lonely time had been tainted.

So this Christmas, by comparison, has been amazingly light, cheery - a breeze. Leading up to last Christmas I felt desperate with despair, I felt lonely and sorry for myself. I had no one to give me a hug, to kiss my forehead and tell me things would be OK. I felt tired and exhausted from being alone, of having to deal with everything always by myself. This year thankfully, one year later, my life feels completely different. My business is flourishing, my brood of pets -my family, are all happy and healthy and my independent and self reliant spirit is back in full strength. I mostly feel hopeful and optimistic, and when I don't, I try and remind myself that the one thing that I've really learned these last few years of my life is ... that you just never know what's around the next corner in life. And in my life, lately, good things have often been just around the next corner.

There's a big winter storm a brewing here, a forecast of 25 cms of snow beginning after lunch today.


Em and Carol Christmas 2005

merry & bright

my little twinkling faux tree

Well yesterday, Christmas day, seemed as near perfect a day, as a day could be. Spent the morning puttering around relaxing with the gang of animals that share this house, humming Christmas carols, making mince tarts, talking with my one and only sister for a bit, and last minute final touches & wrapping of a handmade gift I was taking with me when I ventured out for Christmas dinner. The weather was mild and precipitation free making for easy driving for all the revellers on the road. I spent an afternoon smiling and laughing, my cheeks sore at the end of it, eating a fantastic huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings plus more. It really was perfect. Perfect in every way ... and I'm a girl who loves perfect.

The wee early hours of Christmas morn were spent cozy and tucked in on my big cushy sofa. Coffee in hand, snoring dogs and curled up cats all around me, a fire crackling, and carols playing on the radio as I opened my gifts from away. Shoe boxes replacing the traditional stocking, filled with presents. Now if I'd been thinking I would've dug out my family stocking, felt appliqued and embroidered, with a jingle bell and lovingly made by my grandmother Flo years and years ago. I could have stuffed all these tissue wrapped treasured into my stocking and really gilded my own holiday lily ... maybe next year.

I received an array of thoughtful and practical (I do love practical) items and when all was said and done these three things seem to represent my favourite things about this Christmas.

My Aunt Sally, my mother's sister (who married my father's brother, so a true double aunt and uncle) sent in her package of goodies, two sterling teaspoons with our monogram SAB. The original owner was my great grandmother on my fathers side whose name was Sarah Allison Borden, then passed on to Sally A Black and now on to me Susan A Black. These delicate silver spoons have been stirring tea and coffee in my family for years and years and now they will remind me of family, and of history and tradition.

Another gift from Sally, this one made me cry, a notebook turned cookbook recipe book belonging to my grandmother Flo. Signed and dated 1928, she would've been 27 and just recently married. In her late twenties, she married late for that day and age, and I'm sure she had been almost written off as an old maid. She'd been busy, attending art college, studying jewellery design in New York city at Pratt Institute and eventually teaching Applied Arts at Mount Allison (formerly The Ladies College). She was an amazing woman and was, still is, an incredible influence on me and my life and I treasure having something that seems a part of her. A notebook filled with her handwriting, pages that she turned ... This gift to me represents love ... I always knew that I was loved by Flo and I did love her also, completely.

And a jar of my favourite, unusual carrot cake jam from my sister Sandra. A blend of pineapple and carrot and spiced with ginger and cloves - homemade and bought at a local gift and craft fair. This gift represents comfort and security. What's more comforting then homemade jam on buttered toast?





my most favourite Christmas card, a pop up card
filled with colour, whimsy, happiness and dogs

Christmas

a Christmas bouquet

Flowers dropped off yesterday along with homemade food gifts of fish cakes and baked beans, zucchini chutney and treats for the cats and dogs from BFF Harry and his partner Joe. This morning I'll curl up in the living room and have my morning coffee with my gang of cats and dogs. With chorale music on CBC radio, we'll sit by the light of my little Christmas tree and the crackling fire will warm us all ... a nice change from our usual morning routine.

11:00 am update. Had a lovely long walk early this morning, down the cliff and onto the beach and then through seaside pastures, with our friends Debbie and Maggy Sue (golden retriever). Home to stoke the fires and to make a big pot of squash, brown rice and beef dog food for les chiens- my dogs, especially Miss Dixon, LOVE squash. 6 little mincemeat tarts in the oven pour moi, a newly discovered very adult taste, mincemeat is and I do believe I'm making up for lost years. A tart warmed in the oven, with a small blob of hard sauce and a small scoop of vanilla ice cream - heaven ! Puttering this Christmas morning, all the while listening to amazing traditional Christmas music on CBC radio. And now am just about to jump in the bath and get doodied up a bit for Christmas dinner and Christmas cheer at Carol & Gary's home. I think this is shaping up to be one of the nicest holidays that I can remember.

happy holidays

Peace on earth .... and goodwill to all living things.

I wish everyone a happy holiday season filled with family and friends
and lots of good cheer.

Well its finally Christmas Eve and all through our house many creatures are stirring including at least one little mouse. Though Christmas is practically a non event here at 29 Black Street I feel very content and happy this Christmas Eve morn. December has been a busy month at Susan Black Design (creatively satisfying and lucrative - a perfect combination), my fire wood is all in and stacked beautifully, my family of animals are all healthy and happy, my little list of fall/winter things to fret about has all been crossed off and I sleep well, snug as a bug, in my nest of flannel and I feel very fortunate to be living my life.

Overnight we've had a wee mild spell, which suits me just fine. The temperature this morning is +10C (lovely) and raining (golashes required for this morning's hike) but it won't last long as it's going to cool off again, just to seasonal (-1C to -4C) which is totally tolerable. It's the arctic deep freeze, wind chill weather (the -10C but the wind makes it feel like -25C = wind chill) that I can't stand. I just checked the 14 day trend at the Weather Network web site and the next 2 weeks are predicted to be above seasonal, the entire stretch.
Big smile!

This illustration is a Christmas card I that I designed for our local animal shelter. Bleet & Winnie Dixon were my models and my inspiration.

snow dogs

Jake and Winnie Dixon


Em digging for field mice





our winter afternoon walking place - the golf course

It's hilly and sheltered, with lots of wonderful enticing-to-dogs smells and plenty of squirrels chattering and taunting from high up in the trees. The squirrels seem to delight in playing daredevil stunts, rushing down trees and squealing across the open snow to zip up another tree, Winnie Dixon & Maggie hot on their heels. We walk here after lunch in the winter, with my friend Debbie and her three year old Golden Retriever Maggy Sue, Winnie's best girlfriend. It's a lovely reprieve from the cold and bitter winds coming off the water (or off the ice as there is no more open water) on our mornings walks at the beach.

My dogs and I have been walking here, in the winter, for years and years and just last year we introduced Debbie & Maggy to our secret walking spot and it's been great to have the company. Jake, Debbie and I stick mostly to the path while the other two rush through the trees playing partners in crime, in their futile attempts to bag a squirrel. Driving home yesterday afternoon, a 10 minute trip, Winnie's little brown eyes were closing and she was falling asleep sitting up and Jake was stretched out in the back seat. Happy, spent snow dogs. Smile.


Winnie and her best girlfriend Maggy Sue

my studio project Part 1

disco holly

Hmmmmmmnnnn! My morning java and laptop routine. Many of my blogging cohorts have posted their holiday greetings, thanks for visiting and come back after the new year posts. I've considered a break myself ... but have decided that no official stop in posting is planned. This blog is like my journal and I wouldn't miss a day in my journal, although there might be a day or two when my writing is sparse and concise (for a change). So ... no plans to stop blogging at 29 Black Street over the holidays.

I'm gearing up for the dawn of a New Year so lots to be thinking about, lots of planning and stuff that needs to be said out loud to someone else, to you. I know I have a few of you out there, cheering me on, rooting for my success, commiserating with me when it's appropriate, and extending a cyber hand when I need it. And it means SO much to me and has helped me, along my journey, incredibly.

I have almost a week of design project free-ness (few things to finish up today) and I want, must, need to tackle some major thing in this old house. I'm thinking it must be my office and all work related organization (files, supplies etc...). How fantastic would it be to begin the New Year in a finished beautiful and organized office/studio space that is so crystal clear in my mind and really, very attainable, it's half finished now - the story of so much of my home/house life - begun but not yet finished.

I want (and have wanted) my studio to be a place that I can't wait to be in and am in no hurry to leave, I want a well stocked and organized supply cabinet, I want an extra big table that I can set my sewing machine up on or that I can work on big projects, I want all my reference books and catalogues an arm's length away, and I want great lighting so I can work easily and comfortably at night if need be. I want glossy black floors and creamy white trim. I have a fantastic new (to me) huge teak desk just waiting to be moved in. I have art to hang, rugs to unroll and dog and cat beds to position. BFF Harry will give me a hand with any lifting and schlepping of furniture that needs to be done, and he'll help with installing the shelves that are a must. It's all there, every last perfect detail well thought out in my little brain. I just need to do it.

It's a gift that I need to give myself, because 2008 - well look out - 'cause I think it's going to be a great year!

of dreams and goals ...

a birch tree in my back yard

Of dreams and goals and brand new years. December 21, the days are whooshing by, rushing toward the 25th and I'm I've done most of the Christmas stuff that I'm going to do - which I'm afraid is basically nothing. I have made a giant note to self that if doing things like baking, designing my own Christmas cards and making hand made gifts are really important for me to do, I must begin in October. December has been a really busy month at my little one person design shop. Project after project and a few even overlapping. It's been fantastic and this past week I've had night after night of sound, peaceful, worry free sleeps. None of that staring wide awake at the ceiling at 2am fretting about this and that and things in between, mostly having to do with money or the lack of it.

I'm a girl who loves the New Year, anyone who's been with me and this blog for a time knows that I love to plan and love to make lists. In my head, and often even in reality, I am a big time overachiever, type A (and proud of it) gal, who's got big, huge, well considered and detailed, goals and dreams and with a brand new year, a new slate, an ever optimistic and hopeful attitude, combined with a pinch of courage and strength, well, I do believe I can accomplish anything that suits my fancy. And my fancy's gotta a big list for 2008. I do believe that this year coming will be that banner year (I know I say that every year, but that's where the ever optimistic and hopeful attitude has served me well), The Year, the year that I say goodbye to some old & very tired habits and traits that weigh me down and no longer serve me, the year my business really takes off. Oh I could go on and on.... but we're still 11 days away from the new year I must try and save some of these dreams and goals for later.

I have been SO inspired by many of the wonderful creative blogs that I visit on a daily basis. Who knew that there were so many women out there doing what I'm doing, women who have their own creative businesses from their homes, many selling their wares on Etsy (another 2008 goal of mine) and my life has been inspired and enriched by all of them. I feel, suddenly, like I have this wonderful, rich, creative community here at my desk, at my laptop in my office that looks over the frozen harbour, in my little seaside village here in Nova Scotia. Which is amazing and I am truly grateful. So ... thank you to all of you out there in blog land.

shopping - a bit of a rant

branches in sunlight in a chocolate room

Phew! Thank God that venture out into the "real" (?) world is over. As I trudged through the mall yesterday, dodging frazzled shoppers pushing carts laden with soon-to-be gifts under the tree, I was quite quickly reminded that - I don't really shop. I've lost both the desire to and the skill to. After years of living mostly on the cheap and narrow, those few extravagances that I need to splurge on (art and office supplies, boots and shoes ...) are ordered online, a once a year trip to a gigantic mall is a very sad reminder of what a consumer society we are. We're just all about the stuff - it's actually quite disgusting when you're not used to being in it. We buy, buy, buy. Buy to heal ourselves, we eat to heal ourselves, we consume to heal ourselves. To heal ourselves from our terribly empty & unconscious lives. Thank God that I escaped to rural Nova Scotia.

I'm so glad that I live in my little village where the lack of retail temptations has gradually cured me of that consumer obsession to shop (I too was a die hard shopper back when I lived in Toronto and worked at Chatelaine, when labels and brands seemed very important). That combined with my very limited funds, I've learned (often the hard way) how to get by with very little. My lifestyle is such that I don't need to get all dolled up to go to work, I work at home. The dress code here at 29 Black Street is casual casual and most days I'm going from drawing at my desk to tromping around in pastures or climbing down red mud cliffs. I hardly ever pay full retail for anything- I've become for the most part a second hand clothing shopper - a Frenchy's maven. A yard sale peruser, a library fanatic (for books and for movies), a second hand book store shopper, I even barter as much as I can in my design business. I'll design (a business card, signage, brochures...) trading for services (massages or aestheticians services even tree trimming and care).

When I do buy things, like yesterday, I do feel a little guilty and it makes me feel a little worried. I guess I'm just not used to it. Being self-employed, I've learned the hard way you need to prepare for the future, for the famine that inevitably comes with the feast or famine lifestyle that comes with being self employed. Although it's looking like 2008 may be mostly feast and feast. How nice would that be!

My favourite splurge gift-to-self yesterday was a beautiful small red Moleskin 2008 page a day planner because I believe that 2008 is going to be a year of amazing change, growth and success and I need a beautiful little book to keep track of it all.

vas tu au Mall ?

looking inland along our beach yesterday afternoon 4pm

I just scanned and emailed out another bunch of thumbnail drawings - this time home decor mirrors that continue the same motifs of a recent grouping of photo frames. Had an email yesterday from K. at new big fish company (re: jewellery project) telling me that I had sent her so many wonderful ideas that she, at first, felt overwhelmed by them - too difficult to choose. Big smile. Her task to use my ideas and present to those above her that make the big decisions, sale-able individual marketing programs (different price points, suggested merchandising, packaging and so on) for the different groupings of jewellery. I asked her if it was at all possible, I would love to have some further direction before the Christmas break so that I can have a project to work on between Christmas and New Year's - Mama's gotta bring home the bacon for those sweet dogs & cats and she likes to have a steady stream of bacon comin' in.

I'm off on a shopping day today. Off with a friend to Atlantic Canada's largest shopping mall - Champlain Place. A once a year tradition. I'll be happily trapped in a car with an excellent driver for an hour there and back and we'll gab and get caught up (this is a friend that I don't see often). We'll synchronize our watches upon arrival and off we'll go in different directions with a few hours of purposeful shopping ahead of us. I'm shopping pour moi - I've become a terribly frugal person, sometimes even a little too frugal and money's always tight but this Christmas with several big fat invoices out there and cheques soon to follow, I've decided to treat myself to a few things. Here's my list.

- a new Cavallini wall calender from Chapter's Book Store
- a frosty Frappucino from Starbucks while browsing at Chapter's.
- some bubble bath & hand cream from the Body Shop
- new socks (and many pairs) from Walmart, inexpensive bulk buying.
- maybe one really nice pair of socks from Roots - I'll have a look
- and a cheapo clock radio with a CD feature for listening to Books on CD in bed
- new NYC (cheap) make up from Shopper's Drugmart

I'm hoping that we'll be home again before dark. Pouring my bath and I must go make my list ...and then I'll be checking it twice.


looking out into the Northumberland Strait