4 deer & a nemesis

Sunday, September 9, 2007

breath in 1, 2, 3, 4....

Something happened on the way home from the beach yesterday morning that caused me to feel upset for hours - way too long. Actually 2 things happened almost at the exact same time... so perfectly timed, these two events that I wasn't sure which I was most upset about. Or maybe I was only really upset about one of them.

The first event, as we were turning onto the main 80km road, which has a particularly tricky blind sharp turn - cars come whizzing around this turn and overgrown brush in the ditches makes it hard to see if a car is coming and I, leaving the secondary road, must enter traffic at this sharp turn. Our car had just begun moving on the main road back toward the village when a large doe came out of the ditch and crossed the road in front of me. Now anyone who lives in deer country knows that you never see just 1 deer...there are always more. I slowed down to a crawl and crept slowly by the spot that she had come up out of the ditch at. The deer crossed just after this bad turn and even though I felt sure I was past the spot I continued on at a crawl looking in my rear view window, both for more deer - because there are always more, and hoping & praying that a car would not come barreling around the sharp turn. Sure enough within seconds two, then three small babies, young deer cautiously, cautiously began creeping out of the brush and wildflowers that grow at the side of the road and slowly, slowly crossed the road. It seemed to take an eternity for the three of them to make it to the other side where the doe stood in the field waiting for them. As they crossed, my car was now practically at a dead stop and I was saying under my breath “quickly, quickly...”. I know too well the speed at which most cars come around that blind curve in the road. All three made it across and I carried on into the village but I kept thinking “ what if there were others still waiting to cross” Such a bad spot for a animal to try and cross the road. Why do we so often go to that “what if “ place and why is it always, with me at least, a negative "what if". Why couldn't I just carry on with my morning assuming I had witnessed a happy & safe crossing of a family of deer. Nuh Uh.

Now the second thing that happened, just prior to seeing the doe cross, my car met the car of my current arch nemesis (I've only really had 2 arch nemesis’ so this would No.2 and No.1 has recently, after many years, been down graded to possible-casual-acquaintance status...a big step in my personal growth) a woman who I consider to be arrogant & a bit delusional when it comes to her often aggressive dog. Earlier in the summer her dog met up with my dogs on the beach, an encounter we had been fearing as their reputation precedes them, where we walk and completely unprovoked and out of the blue had my sweet Winnie Dixon on her back & yelping. A fairly aggressive and sudden attack and Winnie being, only about the 30th or so, dog that this particular dog has attacked or been aggressive with. The woman refuses to believe that her dog has issues and therefore refuses to walk the dog on a leash and everyone who has a dog fears running into them. Well she messed with the wrong dog that day because I promptly wrote her a long to the point, non-confrontational note and put it in her mailbox, that day, just an hour after the incident occurred. Asking her please to leash or muzzle her dog when she knows that she may run into other dogs and how awful it would be if someone’s dog was seriously injured by her dog. This incident happened way at the beginning of the summer and even though she did not make any move to apologize to me, she did not walk her dog ever again at the time that I walk my dogs - which I took to mean that she respected & listened to what I had to say. But...I think we both have held (I'm making assumptions here-BAD) simmering anger toward each other, since then, over this issue. Me for obvious reasons just stated above (can you feel my anger simmering?) and her I’m assuming (oh oh I’m doing it again) because I told her bluntly what she did not want to hear - I was righteously speaking for the masses. Anyway this morning she snubbed me (the nerve). I waved and she sped past me and then not 15 mins. later I ran into her again at the market and she seemed (yikes...not only No.3 but a large dose of No.2 also) very icy toward me which upsets me and WHY I ask myself ??? Why do I care what she thinks about me, why when I’m not interested in a friendship with her, why when we don’t travel, really, in the same social circle - although we do share 1 mutual friend who has manged to remain neutral (this could be it). Why does this matter to me? WHY do certain things hang on and stick to you, especially when the stickiness feels like anger & resentment, or anxiety & worry. Is it because after all this time I feel a need to be right ... probably ... most likely. Why do we often insist on fearing the worst? Which incident really caused this angst. Was it my ongoing fear of animals being struck by cars by careless speeding drivers ? or was it a fear of not being right(eous) ? or some schoolyard competition over a mutual friend ???

Thankfully, becoming older & wiser, now being self-employed and no longer working in a managerial position at a disfunctional company, (where Dilbert obviously spent some time) where you were completely surrounded by idiots every day, and living in a safe & peaceful place - I very seldom feel stressed or upset. Now when I do, occasionally, it's become my mission to analyze the crap out of it in the hopes that I can remove it quickly and lessen the chance of it reoccurring - Saturday morning, all morning, was mostly spent attempting to get that icky feeling of upset off of me, out of me, so I could continue being my normal happy, content, self. Why do we (or I) often cling to negative feelings & emotions. How can we learn to let them go quickly & easily. I did almost instantly with both the deer & the nemesis situations try breathing “breathe in 1,2,3,4, hold 1,2,3,4, and breath out 1,2,3,4" It helped a little. Being a long time journal writer I knew that the best way for me to remove a clinging negative emotion is to write it down...and now I have a blog which has pretty much replaced my paper journal. So... I vent, I rant, I purge...another day of life classes - good bye icky, clinging upset feelings.

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