I want my dog back

Sunday, January 27, 2008

my Noodle

If I keep posting pictures of him it's like he's still here somehow. I didn't think about what the house would be like without him in it. Why would I do that, it just didn't occur to me because as far as I was concerned he wasn't going anywhere. It's worse today, it was worse yesterday. How do I get used to a home with no Jake? He was this home. How long will it take? and actually, I don't want to get used to it ... I just want him back. I feel like I'm 6 years old, that somehow now, I don't understand how the world works. Even though you think you know that this is one day going to happen - you don't really know, you kid yourself all along. I know now ... that I did.

That small part of me that actually recognized what was happening was teeny & tiny and tucked away in a hard to find place. I've been living and walking around these last few weeks in a semi stunned kind of way. If I wasn't wringing my hands with worry and praying, I was watching, listening, analyzing everything about him - maybe I could figure it out, maybe I could fix it or at least hold it at bay and when he was up, oh, when he was up and feeling good (big smile) and being his normal goofy, crazy, Noodle self then I was skipping and tra-la-la-ing around the house, I pushed it out the door, get outta here and good riddance and don't come back this time.

Life here has been extreme - for the past month. I was either feeling really up and euphoric because he was OK or I was feeling down & dreading, when he wasn't, worrying about what may be lurking just ahead of us. And now ... now it just feels like nothingness.

do you need my help ? is that cheese ?

He was everywhere, every time I turned around there he was I thought I better follow you, 'cause you might need my help he seemed to say or hey, what are ya doin, do you need me to lick out that bowl, that's a specialty of mine you know. He was my dog, I was his person and we had a bond that was incredible, that was meant to be, that was meant to last forever.

Bare with me ... all I want to think about is him, all I want to talk about is him, and all I want to see is him

the video below buffers very slowly if you wait patiently you will eventually see a very short clip of the Noodle dog, following Em's happy roll in the seaweed and Winnies' gallop.


  1. Susan, you write so eloquently. Keep on talking about Jake as long as you like. We all wish we could do something, but of course all we can do is read and see your photos.

  2. I, too, love hearing your way with words.... about anything and everything. I am sure you should be writing a book... I would read the story of you and your wonderful companions .... and the ocean... and even the words about your design work. Another whole way of living unfolds for me and I live in an eastern Canadian sea side town vicariously... through you.
    You always have little stories to tell, thoughts to share... such novel and interesting ways of turning a phrase.... I love it. And I always love the pics of all of the animals. The animals most of all.

    I was wondering how poor little Miss Winnie is making out.....

    Your home will seem totally different for a while now I am sure. But, even if we just move some furniture...things do seem strange and out of place.... sometimes it can take quite a while for us to wrap our heads around "different"............
    I guess all any of us can do is just to try to keep moving forward.. one tiny step at a time... little, lost kids that most of us are inside when something like this happens.

  3. I hope I'm not out of line, but I wondered if you were familiar with the blog at strawberry-lane.blogspot.com.
    She writes about her beloved dog, Kayla, and it's a nice post. It seems you have something in common.


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