wishing & dreaming

Friday, March 28, 2008

Miss D basking in a big patch of sunlight

Big deep sigh. It's been a week, my busy mind spending most of it camped out at the bemusement park partaking in any, and all, spinning, whirling, rocketing and plunging roller coaster rides. Up and down and sideways and back again and often in the space of a very few hours. Shut up ! I'd like to say but I don't seem to know how, or maybe I just get so caught up in the drama in my head that I forget to say shut up or at the very least Shhhhhh ! Please !

And of course, as is our human nature, I'm focusing and dwelling on the parts of this week that have been troubling and bothersome - sadness, worry, feelings of overwhelmed-ness and more sadness. I'm leaving out the moments of daily glory. The moments spent standing on the edge of a cliff looking out at blue, blue sky and a stretch of ocean jammed with slabs of ice as far as the eye can see. Of trudging through wide open frozen pastures, bundled in down & fleece, with my faithful and loving girl, Winnie Dixon, so close beside me we walk along as if we're one.

Phone conversations with a friend who's there too, in that same place. Who understands. Who I know isn't furrowing a brow and thinking to herself "Oh Susan, you are SO serious". Chats that are easy and make me feel safe and secure. Happy.

A week of tiny little accomplishments, baby steps toward giant goals. Steps forward.

Eating broccoli and fresh asparagus and pillows of pasta filled with ricotta.
Salads of baby arugula, sweet onion, creamy avocado, and tomatoes with a sharp Dijon vinagrette. Hot steaming coffee in a favourite mug. Bedding fresh from the clothesline. Bubbles & scent.

Smiling and laughing at those crazy kittens Gus & Oliver who several times a day insist on peeling up and down the stairs, pinging off the walls, with lots of mid air leaping and crashing, and thudding of kitten feet. Only to find them moments later curled up together in a tabby-striped and calico hump of exhaustion.

Many kisses from Bleet, accompanied by mad deep purrs that always protect me from badness.

And wishing and dreaming that our boy, my boy, Jake was still here.


  1. I think it's good that you are writing about it. Theraputic. I saw an article on MSN yesterday that I liked for myself. Here's the link:
    Your pasta and fresh asparagus sound heavenly!

  2. Miss D looks so sweet in that photo. I wish I could reach through the screen and give her a hug. I'm glad she and all the kitties are a comfort to you.

  3. Keep right on with your wonderful way with words...oh, man..look at that! What an alliteration...hahah... I was going to hit delete and begin again..but then I thought it was pretty funny, especially since I was talking about words... so I laughed ..left it.
    no, but seriously Susan...it is all cathartic...and all beautiful. And... make sure you are backing it all up and then... some day down the road...bind it as a book. Even if just for yourself...but...it could probably be a great source of comfort and inspiration for others in this same situation. I love how you describe things.... so easy to just feel like I am there experiencing it .... all of it.

  4. I've always been a compulsive journal writer so a blog made sense. Add my love of photography and an amazing community of women who both inspire and support me ... it makes having a blog the perfect, and most often, very therapeutic thing.

    Still zooming around on my roller coaster. This afternoon while designing Gothic and Greco Roman things, I sat at my desk crying and watching Golden Retriever tributes on Youtube (sigh) and googling Golden Retriever life expectancies. (sigh again). Interesting though, most sites that I found document 11 years for a neutered male. My Noodle dog Jake was just a month past 13 years... so I guess I actually had two fantastic and very healthy bonus years with him. So my tears dried up again ... for now anyway.

    Thank you all for your kindness and comments, they make my day !

    xo, S


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